november 29 - Trick or Treat!

Hello world.

I can correctly spell "to". I can also spell "too" and hey... if im feeling naughty i can also spell "two". Am I lazy and sloppy about my spelling? Yes, I am. Do i believe there should actually be a grammar check? Yes, I do. Will I try harder as a blogger and writer to improve my skills to make your reading enjoyment more? No. No will not. We have to accept each other for our flaws and embrace them as a good! I adore you for your (Enter appropriate but totally embarrassing fact about you) I think its charming!

When I was in grade 1, I had a wonderful teacher named Ms Place. Mrs? I dont know it doesnt matter. Either way, she was fun. We turned our classroom into a rain forest and did all sorts of fun things, but i never really learned how to spell small words. It took me years to get the right there/their/they're! And every once in a while I STILL fuck it up. I was a brat when I was younger. I always had fun and when I look back I see that I am not much different now. During our in-class reading time I would sit with my back against a shelf in the corner. When it was quiet I would knock on the shelf and my teacher would get up and go open her door. 2 times was funny, 3 she was mad. In grade one she taught us about composting. In grade one i learned that if I told Riley Hunter to go up to the teacher and ask what FUCK meant that he would get in trouble and I would LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH. To be honest, It STILL makes me laugh.

Also in this same class a group of us once broke into song. The Right Stuff by New Kids On The Block. I knew it well because my cousin Paul had their tape. When I would sleep over at pauls it was always frustrating because he couldnt sleep without listening to music... OR WITHOUT THE LIGHTS ON. So it was a tape of new kids on the block and bright bedroom lights that would rock us to sleep. Grade one was also the time that one day I forgot my own name. I was about to put it onto paper and gosh if I didnt totally forget it. I sat there trying to remember what my first name was. Every day we were assigned chores in class to do and so I went over to the board and looked up what chore I had done and there is was. Michael. Thank god I remembered what chore I did, otherwise you would be reading Janessa Delamonts blog instead!

My cousin Paul and I grew up together. We were the closest in age and hung out as much as we could. After my dad died I tended to stay closer to my mom and didnt spend as much time with the Delamonts as I did before. We opted for christmas on our own with Earl and my other grandpa and I do regret not being closer. I have never felt like an outsider by any means, but i think my mom might have. Its odd what you dont piece together as a child. The delamonts remain close and I wish I could make it over there more and get to know the newer members of the family a bit more. Hopefully some day. But back to paul. Now, paul and I are about as opposite as you could get. Paul is fit and plays sports, I... am not. His parents always tried to encourage me to join in, but GOSH i dont like it. I mean, now as an adult I enjoy exercise and wish that I had done more as a child but competitive, I am not. Being called a Poor Sport is something I vividly remember being called. I understand where they were coming from but I really resented it as a kid. BUT! Off the few bad memories, i have PLENTY of good ones. Pauls birthday when he slipped in the snow and split his tongue in the middle. being 6 and not knowing about stitches I remember all the kids wondering how they would get a band aid to stay on his tongue. He and I also went trick or treating for several years before I stopped doing that and went to a heritage town to do Halloween stuff with my mom. One year I went as Frankenstein (big shocker, I was tall back then also!) and paul went as a ninja. Even then I would sweat to death before I took off a costume. Couldnt ruin the illusion! I WAS IN CHARACTER! I wore a Frankenstein head and an old suit that was small on me(I think I was 8 or 9 at this time) By the half way point I was still in costume, and paul was now in black pants and a turtle neck. He had taken the mask off because he was hot. When we would go to houses, people would comment on my costume and so he started telling people that I didnt show up with one so he gave me his and went as a ninja instead of Frankenstein. Even now it makes me chuckle.

Halloween was also a frustrating time as a child because I lived in the rocky mountains. So a puffy winter coat was either put embarrassingly over or under the costume. I can remember going as Frankenstein, a dead soldier, a karate werewolf, a vampire (those shitty white teeth didnt even stay in my mouth until the first house). And my most common costume as a child? im sure to my dads enjoyment... a witch. Green face and pointy hat. We would go to the relatives. My grandfather and my uncle john always had full sized chocolate bars which was AMAZING. A bunch of us would end up at my grandfather house sometimes. My dad LOVED chocolate bars, so I think that was part of it. I was raised to believe that 2 things are the most amazing desert snacks ever. Ice Cream, and Turtles. I thank my father and grandfather for that. My grandfather would actually hide his box of turtles if he knew my dad was coming over, but my dad would find them on his own by some divine power.

I loved being at my grand parents place. It was so big! The house is on the edge of a golf course! They had a basement crawlspace that you had to lift a part of the floor to get to and climb down wooden stairs. SOOO cool! OH! AND! haha. They had a closet under the stairs and behind the coats was a door. In reality it just lead to a storage space under the stairs, but to somebody who had just finished the Narnia stories... a door in a closet = AWESOME.

This was a strange blog. But hopefully entertaining! I will write more tomorrow, apparently I have lots to say about my childhood!

Thanks for reading

M

November 20 - Jews and Christmas

Welcome back and happy saturday to you one and all.

I will start by saying that I normally try to get my blog out in the early evening Toronto Time, or mid afternoon for those avid readers in the west. A part of me thinks i should write it at night and then just post it early in the morning so people can read it whenever they like... like a newspaper. I opted to say newspaper because i feel that my reader numbers sadly resemble those of the newspaper industry. Well... mine is low for a newspaper... not really for a blog. I have now said (including this one) newspaper 5 times. I think we should move on. The point of all that was to say that I am writing today's later than i normally do.

On November 3rd I met a performer named Michael O'hara (perhaps O'Hare). He sang a song at a cabaret that i went to and was just wonderful. Had a full tenor voice with great control. I think for me, singers that i really enjoy are ones that I can trust. I know they wont crack, i know they wont screw up and I can sit there and enjoy. He was an amazing singer, one of the best I have seen live. Great Broadway sound with being "Broadway. (for those non theatre folks, I know you dont know what that last sentence meant... but trust me, its a good thing and, also, all of the theatre people know EXACTLY what I mean). Anyway, after meeting him he told me about a show he had coming up on the 20th, which i decided I would go to. It was in a "club" in Toronto which, despite the websites description, turned out to actually be a restaurant. So if you didnt go early with friends to have dinner and then stay, well there was basically no seating available. I happened to snag a stool at the bar, but that leaded to the discomfort of the fact that the bar ran perpendicular to the stage, so everybody sitting there had to try and look over or beside the head of the person in front of them. This would have been a manageable task had the person in front of me not moved around like a crack head trying to combine watching the show, sipping his drink, and chatting loudly with his friends. By the time intermission came around I was so fed up and my butt was so sore that I said time to go.

SIDE STORY: One of the songs tonight was sung by a woman introduced as a Yiddish diva. She sang a holiday song and a peter paul and mary song, both in Yiddish. She was quite good. The woman beside me was chatting with her friends and informed them that Yiddish is actually a form of German (correct) and that it was invented my Jewish factory workers (incorrect) so that their German bosses wouldn't know what they are saying (SO FUCKING INCORRECT IT HURTS MY BODY) When you were a kid, after your parents taught you Pig Latin, did you ever use it to say bad shit about them forgetting that they taught it to you? Same thing. I wont go into what is wrong with what she said. Maybe she was getting it mixed up with the popular tale of the history of capoera. Who knows. But wow. The fact that she hasn't died while brushing her teeth in the morning astounds me. Just saying.

MORE JEWS: Welcome to my extra jewish content portion of todays blog. Now... since the beginning of my time on this earth, I have always liked jewish people. No reason not to! Im not jewish but my foreskin is so thats a close bond as well. Also, If you didnt laugh at that you shouldnt be reading this blog. Tonight I walked by a jewish soft-serve frozen yogurt shop. 10 flavors that change every week. Marshmallow, cookies n cream, candy cane, chocolate, etc etc etc. ALL LOW or NON FAT! once you have filled your cup to it's desired amount, you throw on any toppings you like and then they weigh it. And its affordable! Kosher Soft serve at its very finest. I adore this place and i... and my waist line... are thankful to live a good long distance away from it. But if i am ever near it, you can bet your sweet ass Im going in!

When you were a kid do you remember the Santa Claus parade being in November? Didnt it all just blur together so it seemed like a week before christmas? I grew up in Cranbrook BC and when I was young, my dad was an owner of a Nissan dealership and so i got to ride in the Nissan "float" one Christmas throwing candy canes from a snowmobile (how much more small town Canada can you get!) and apparently we werent throwing it far enough (ie to the sidewalks) and the producer told us that we couldnt throw candy anymore as she worried we wouldnt throw it far enough and kids would get caught under the wheels of the trucks. First off.. I was 6. secondly i felt we threw them far enough, and if we werent, i feel we deserved another shot, and thirdly, if you get run over by a firetruck going 5 miles an hour... I say thats your ass.

So there we go.


Chat with you all tomorrow!

Mike


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