So here we are. I would like to inform you all of a little secret. For those of you who have read my blog more than once I will simply say that... what I am about it say may not come as a shock. I am not a great speller. I KNOW! Its hard to believe! What you dont know is that the poor spelling I miss is actually spelling that has made it through an immense amount of spell check. But I will tell you today... friends... followers... people who accidentally came upon this... I dont know where the spell check is on the updated version of blogspot. I KNOW I should have ignored the up date. If its not baroque dont fix it! And if you dont realize that that is not a spelling mistake but simply a wonderful reference to an academy award winning film then you shouldnt be reading this blog!
So, since I dont pre plan what I am going to write I will simply pre apologize for my spelling as it may take a turn for the worst until I figure out where the button is. I will be honest... even now at only paragraph 2... my page is covered in small red lines. Thats not a good sign people... not good at all!
I would like to talk about stress. Right now I have a great deal of stress in my life to the point that it is starting to flow over into everything. I try and de stress by listening to music, watching movies, and just basically trying to not let it fill my mind. As of right now, I dont have a place to live. I look on every website, I email and call people all the time. So far I have had no luck. None at all. As the stress levels increase I need to remind myself that I have to calm down and focus otherwise I will make needless mistakes. I also have 2 auditions coming up. 1 is one that I can take or leave. The other one is very important to me. The other day I said that I wouldnt tell you what the auditions were until after, and that is still the case, but I wanted to you to know how nervous I am.
Today I got an email from a man who I contacted about renting his apartment. It is downtown and fairly affordable. I asked why it was. He told me basically that he was a counselor and had to move for work, and because of the location he wanted to keep the place. He kept it low because he wasnt wanting to make money off it, just have good tenants who will care for the place. And then it happened. A word that sends up the biggest red flag I can think of. Where had he moved to that he couldnt meet with me to show me the place? Why NIGERIA of course! He said I was welcome to go and look at the place from the outside, and then if I was interested I could fill out the form and he would courier the keys to me. HOW SWEET OF HIM. I think its the same guy who 2 years ago was actually a price. He sent me an email saying that if I let him keep money in my accounts he would pay me an even million dollars. What? He emailed you too? WHAT!?!?! So... are you telling me I might NOT get to live in the $800 per month furnished apartment in downtown Toronto that belongs to a Nigerian prince? DAMNIT! I had such high hopes.
Tomorrow I perform with a really funny show. Friends of mine have taken the time out of their day to invite people to the show, which is nice. Im looking forward to seeing how my characters do in a new city. Will they be funny? will people hate it? From what I have seen in my time watching improv, sketch, and comedy in Toronto is that I am no where near as bad as the worst guy... and right now... thats what I am looking for. I dont need to be the best yet... but I do need to be better than the worst.
The diet is going well people. Turns out high stress in conducive to weight loss. Who would have guessed!? From what I can tell from the small scale in my room and the pain in my stomach from crunches is that I am nearing my goal weight closer and closer every day. When I looked today it appeared that I am down about 23lbs, which for me is great. I knew once I stopped eating like a fatty that the weight would drop a lot and fast, and now I am prepared for the slow loss now. I am prepared and will not mourn its loss. I may have a funeral for it.. and to be honest... FUCK I hope its catered by Hagen Daaz. Is that wrong? it feels like that should be wrong.
So tomorrow morning to go and see yet another apartment. Hopefully this one isnt a tiny shit heap at a high price. Thats all I ask! Not an expensive shit heap in the middle of nowhere! Gosh Im needy. He mike what kind of car do you want? Ummmm one that doesnt break down? WOAH! needy much?
Anyways, since I must to the world of apartments in the A.M. I shall be off. I apologize that this blog came late yet again. What was I doing? Something busy or important? Nope.. watching season 2 of Big Bang Theory. Thats all. Sorry for the delay.
Tomorrow I shall tell you all about tomorrows performance. Wish me luck!
Thanks for reading!
Mike
Showing posts with label atomic vaudeville. Show all posts
Showing posts with label atomic vaudeville. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
December 6 - Urinal Mistakes
So tonight I went out to see a comedy show and it was just terrible. The host was a lazy unfunny "comedian" who dragged everybody down with him and lost the audience from his first five minutes. From my time in comedy I have learned a few thing. I certainly dont know it all, far from it actually, but I do know that if the audience isnt laughing... yea... maybe the are having a bad night, but 9 times out of 10... its because your bits arent funny. Even when this guy flipped into his self proclaimed "golden material" it was stuff I had heard before from him a few weeks ago and people didnt laugh then either. Next week will be the 3rd times this guy has performed at this club in 5 weeks. Thats fucking bullshit! BULLSHIT.
The first big character that I ever created was a lounge lizard named Jimmy Peekaboo. A poorly dressed offensive comedian with a contageous laugh. I based him mainly on 2 people. One is a man who hosted an improv show. He inspired the outfit and the laugh. He wore a pair of black jeans, a plaid shirt and then seemed to think that a tux jacket and a clip on tie would make it a suit. I loved it. Secondly was this woman who hosted a fundraiser I attended in vancouver in november of 06 I believe. This woman had no material to fill between the acts. she would tell a few jokes but you really need to be aware of whats going on and read an audience. When she thought she was loosing them she would tell the story about how her and her girlfriend met and got engaged, which wasnt funny. When people got bored and started talking to each other instead of listening to her she would yell at them to SHUT UP!... I couldnt believe it. It was AMAZING that somebody would do that! And so my first popular character was born. Some people love him, some people hate him. No matter what... he was funnier than the guy tonight HANDS DOWN.
On the note of poor hosts I would like to publicly support a friend of mine who I believe is a wonderful host. Dave Morris is a kind, inviting, and supportive host and, with ease it seems, tries to get the audience as far onto your side as he can. When I host I try to keep the show going and throw in a bit of funny here and there. Sometimes it works. Dave Morris For Mayor. Make it happen world.
Today I went and viewed an apartment and I had such high hopes and when I walked in I was just dissapointed. In most cities in canada I think this apartment MIGHT go for 900? its a 1 bedroom close to downtown. But it was 1350. It was just so small. Kind of like a kitchen with 2 bedrooms, no actuall flow or feel of an invitation. just boxed in and closed off. I realize that with only a few weeks left to find a place I cant afford to be picky. But I feel that for almost 1400 a month, i should be happy about a place. I suppose we shall see.
I am performing this Wednesday at a local comedy show in Toronto. Im a big fan of the guys involved and it will be nice to share the stage with them. I have worked really hard to try and fill and or invite some very influential people in town and I really hope that it works out. It would be wonderful for it to be a stepping stone. I have 2 auditions this week. 1 is HUGE for me and 1 seems like it will be fun. I will tell you more about them after they happen, I dont like to talk about auditions before hand. Basically if you know i didnt get something it looks bad. If you had no idea there was something even on the table... then YAY!
It snowed for the first real time this morning. It has snowed here before, but it didnt stick. Today the snow stuck. I dont really mind snow. Your feet get a little wet, but you can manage. Wind on the other hand is the rath of the damned. It hurts! I hate it. apparently in february with the wind chill Toronto can feel like -30! WONDERFUL! Cant fucking wait!
Tonight, at the club, I went to the bathroom. When I entered the washroom i saw that beside the stall were 2 urinals. There was a man in the stall and a man at the first urinal, which meant that if I wanted to get to the second urinal, i was going to have to try and get by the first man. I had a choice of going bum to bum, or crotch to bum as i squeezed by him trying not to accidentally touch a stranger while he peed. I opted for crotch to bum as I felt id have more visual control on the distance between my body and his. I was wrong people. Looking back I can imagine that it looked and felt as though, to him, I stood behind him, rubbed my crotch gently against his ass and then moved on. I will admit that I had to fight the urge to rub his shoulders and awkwardly smell his hair, but avoided it. It was no time for Delamont comedy. He and I didnt make eye contact for the rest of the night.
I work 11 hours tomorrow. I shall wish you good night!
Good night!
Mike
The first big character that I ever created was a lounge lizard named Jimmy Peekaboo. A poorly dressed offensive comedian with a contageous laugh. I based him mainly on 2 people. One is a man who hosted an improv show. He inspired the outfit and the laugh. He wore a pair of black jeans, a plaid shirt and then seemed to think that a tux jacket and a clip on tie would make it a suit. I loved it. Secondly was this woman who hosted a fundraiser I attended in vancouver in november of 06 I believe. This woman had no material to fill between the acts. she would tell a few jokes but you really need to be aware of whats going on and read an audience. When she thought she was loosing them she would tell the story about how her and her girlfriend met and got engaged, which wasnt funny. When people got bored and started talking to each other instead of listening to her she would yell at them to SHUT UP!... I couldnt believe it. It was AMAZING that somebody would do that! And so my first popular character was born. Some people love him, some people hate him. No matter what... he was funnier than the guy tonight HANDS DOWN.
On the note of poor hosts I would like to publicly support a friend of mine who I believe is a wonderful host. Dave Morris is a kind, inviting, and supportive host and, with ease it seems, tries to get the audience as far onto your side as he can. When I host I try to keep the show going and throw in a bit of funny here and there. Sometimes it works. Dave Morris For Mayor. Make it happen world.
Today I went and viewed an apartment and I had such high hopes and when I walked in I was just dissapointed. In most cities in canada I think this apartment MIGHT go for 900? its a 1 bedroom close to downtown. But it was 1350. It was just so small. Kind of like a kitchen with 2 bedrooms, no actuall flow or feel of an invitation. just boxed in and closed off. I realize that with only a few weeks left to find a place I cant afford to be picky. But I feel that for almost 1400 a month, i should be happy about a place. I suppose we shall see.
I am performing this Wednesday at a local comedy show in Toronto. Im a big fan of the guys involved and it will be nice to share the stage with them. I have worked really hard to try and fill and or invite some very influential people in town and I really hope that it works out. It would be wonderful for it to be a stepping stone. I have 2 auditions this week. 1 is HUGE for me and 1 seems like it will be fun. I will tell you more about them after they happen, I dont like to talk about auditions before hand. Basically if you know i didnt get something it looks bad. If you had no idea there was something even on the table... then YAY!
It snowed for the first real time this morning. It has snowed here before, but it didnt stick. Today the snow stuck. I dont really mind snow. Your feet get a little wet, but you can manage. Wind on the other hand is the rath of the damned. It hurts! I hate it. apparently in february with the wind chill Toronto can feel like -30! WONDERFUL! Cant fucking wait!
Tonight, at the club, I went to the bathroom. When I entered the washroom i saw that beside the stall were 2 urinals. There was a man in the stall and a man at the first urinal, which meant that if I wanted to get to the second urinal, i was going to have to try and get by the first man. I had a choice of going bum to bum, or crotch to bum as i squeezed by him trying not to accidentally touch a stranger while he peed. I opted for crotch to bum as I felt id have more visual control on the distance between my body and his. I was wrong people. Looking back I can imagine that it looked and felt as though, to him, I stood behind him, rubbed my crotch gently against his ass and then moved on. I will admit that I had to fight the urge to rub his shoulders and awkwardly smell his hair, but avoided it. It was no time for Delamont comedy. He and I didnt make eye contact for the rest of the night.
I work 11 hours tomorrow. I shall wish you good night!
Good night!
Mike
Sunday, December 5, 2010
December 5 - Star Wars Hobo
We live in a world torn apart by governments and beliefs. There are people who hate other people because thay have just always hated each other. Sometimes its over a patch of land. Sometimes a god. Sometimes its politics. Sometimes its the belief that Han Solo shot second. But I think that if we start small we can mend theses fences. If we share small beliefs with our enemies who knows how much more we can have in common, and maybe someday it will all be over. I would like to start the ball rolling. I have a belief that I would like to share with you. Something that I think we can call agree on. And that is that no matter what the bottle says it smells like. Whether it be Rain, linens, or even summer flowers. Febreeze always just smells like Febreeze. Agreed? AGREED! Let the healing and world peace begin!
Saw the new Woody Allan movie tonight. A man sat behind me and ate so loud that I wanted to turn around and watch how he was eating that he could make such a noise. And tonight it wasnt my own neurotic tendencies that pushed me to the edge. Most people were bothered by it. See, he snuck in potato chips. so not only did we get the sound of the bag, but also the sound of the man eating... though admittedly from the sound he might just have had a rottweiler with him trying to get in the bag. Thats the only explanation for the sloppy crunchy sound.
The movie tonight was okay. Certainly not my favorite film of his. But I have no right to complain. Even the worst Woody Allen film is better than the ZERO pictures I have been a part of.
Watched a video tonight of people being trampled at the black Thursday shopping event down in the united states. Apparently that sort of thing happens in Toronto as well sometimes. I just have to say, there is nothing that I want so bad that i would line up the DAY BEFORE to get to. Nothing! Unless its the apocalypse and its food or medicine or something. So until the world ends there is nothing I would show up the day prior to line up for. In my life the biggest movie release that I have been old enough to attend and or appreciate has been Star Wars Episode One. People lined up for DAYS! They camped! They camped on the street! If you tent on the streets your no longer an avid fan you're a hobo! Friends of mine got paid to play Jedi knights at the theatres. I saw a kid buying water, mr noodles and a light saber at the London drugs beside the theatre. That kid will not survive the real end of the world is thats his idea of survival camping needs. I saw Star Wars on its opening night. 12:01. How long did I wait in line? 20 minutes. How many people in the theatre? 10! thank god for small theatres JUST outside of town. how much did I pay at the non chain theatre? $6 my friends. God bless the independent theatres in the middle of nowhere.
I grew up in a small down and for most of my time there we had a 1 screen theatre, in the last few years it was upgraded to a 2 screen. 2 screens is nice but it still means that when you saw an ad on TV saying COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU... you knew it wasnt. To their credit they tried to show contrasting films! At one point I remember the Armand Theatre had both the Beavis and Butthead Movie AND The Piano playing.
SIDE NOTE: Mike Judge who created Beavis and Butthead also created the show King of the Hill. I think King of the Hill is fantastic. I like cartoons that have a social and economic structure. Characters dont live beyond their means. They have regular jobs. I enjoy it a lot. I dont know why I felt the need to share that.
BACK! The first movie I ever saw in a multiplex is still one of my favorite movies. The movie is My Blue Heaven which stars Steve Martin and Rick Moranis. Its about an FBI agent and a criminal in the witness protection program. If you havent seen it you should. Last movie I saw on a drive in was The Rocketeer. Though there was a full moon out and it cast a heavy glare on the screen. Oh well. Still worth it.
Tomorrow morning I go and view an apartment that is right downtown, the right size, close to my work, and a good price. I would like it VERY much. I have only 26 days now to find a place and to say that Im nervous would be an understatement of epic proportions.
Thanks for reading!
Mike
Saw the new Woody Allan movie tonight. A man sat behind me and ate so loud that I wanted to turn around and watch how he was eating that he could make such a noise. And tonight it wasnt my own neurotic tendencies that pushed me to the edge. Most people were bothered by it. See, he snuck in potato chips. so not only did we get the sound of the bag, but also the sound of the man eating... though admittedly from the sound he might just have had a rottweiler with him trying to get in the bag. Thats the only explanation for the sloppy crunchy sound.
The movie tonight was okay. Certainly not my favorite film of his. But I have no right to complain. Even the worst Woody Allen film is better than the ZERO pictures I have been a part of.
Watched a video tonight of people being trampled at the black Thursday shopping event down in the united states. Apparently that sort of thing happens in Toronto as well sometimes. I just have to say, there is nothing that I want so bad that i would line up the DAY BEFORE to get to. Nothing! Unless its the apocalypse and its food or medicine or something. So until the world ends there is nothing I would show up the day prior to line up for. In my life the biggest movie release that I have been old enough to attend and or appreciate has been Star Wars Episode One. People lined up for DAYS! They camped! They camped on the street! If you tent on the streets your no longer an avid fan you're a hobo! Friends of mine got paid to play Jedi knights at the theatres. I saw a kid buying water, mr noodles and a light saber at the London drugs beside the theatre. That kid will not survive the real end of the world is thats his idea of survival camping needs. I saw Star Wars on its opening night. 12:01. How long did I wait in line? 20 minutes. How many people in the theatre? 10! thank god for small theatres JUST outside of town. how much did I pay at the non chain theatre? $6 my friends. God bless the independent theatres in the middle of nowhere.
I grew up in a small down and for most of my time there we had a 1 screen theatre, in the last few years it was upgraded to a 2 screen. 2 screens is nice but it still means that when you saw an ad on TV saying COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU... you knew it wasnt. To their credit they tried to show contrasting films! At one point I remember the Armand Theatre had both the Beavis and Butthead Movie AND The Piano playing.
SIDE NOTE: Mike Judge who created Beavis and Butthead also created the show King of the Hill. I think King of the Hill is fantastic. I like cartoons that have a social and economic structure. Characters dont live beyond their means. They have regular jobs. I enjoy it a lot. I dont know why I felt the need to share that.
BACK! The first movie I ever saw in a multiplex is still one of my favorite movies. The movie is My Blue Heaven which stars Steve Martin and Rick Moranis. Its about an FBI agent and a criminal in the witness protection program. If you havent seen it you should. Last movie I saw on a drive in was The Rocketeer. Though there was a full moon out and it cast a heavy glare on the screen. Oh well. Still worth it.
Tomorrow morning I go and view an apartment that is right downtown, the right size, close to my work, and a good price. I would like it VERY much. I have only 26 days now to find a place and to say that Im nervous would be an understatement of epic proportions.
Thanks for reading!
Mike
Friday, December 3, 2010
December 2 - GET OFF THE ROAD!
Welcome to the blog.
Today, amongst other things, we will talk about technology! Specifically internet connections. You see, as an adult I pay what is called "money" for an "internet provider". This is a simple contract between me and a business that states that I will pay them a fee and they will provide me with a service. If I shouldnt be able to pay the fee I will get in trouble! If they shouldnt be able to provide the service, well thats just how the world works.
Tomorrow night I am going to see Andre-Phillipe Gagnon, a popular impersonator who sings. I have seen him on tv several times and have never enjoyed him, so we shall see how it goes live. Why am I going to see this man if I dont like him? The tickets were free people. The tickets were free. And if you can't go see an internationally acclaimed act for free then who the hell are you! HUH!? WHAT? YOURE TO GOOD FOR FREE TICKETS? HMMM!?!?! YOU HAVE "PLANS" WITH YOUR "FRIENDS" ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!?! WELL GOOD FOR YOU!
I was going to say "Gosh I have used a lot of air quotes today!", but then i rememebered... this is a blog. Even if thats how they sound in my head, once its written it is no longer and air quote. I guess its more of a paper quote. hmmmm... computer quote? I think its unfair that a quality air quote gets demoted when written. It tries so hard to be so sarcastic and flippant and yet... on paper, worthless.
Lets talk about sex for a moment. I think its unfair that youth can be given such skill and ability to sneak sex into their lives. Try to hide it from parents and get away with it. They have so much ability to try and get away with it, but in no way does that skill lend itself to realizing that along with sex comes a smell. Not a bad smell by any means, but a very specific smell none the less, and yet we STILL deny that thats what that is. Im just saying... i dont need to see the tray and the ingredients to know that you just baked cookies. I smell chocolate and the air is warm!
SIDE NOTE: Do you know what is terrible? When you go into a small bathroom right after somebody and it reeks, and you can plug your nose or not breath all you like but then once you are in the bathroom you realize that its really warm as well? You know where that warm air came from! Aww... we as a people are disgusting.
People in Toronto are a bizzare combination of agressive and totally passive. Now they arent passive agressive which is the odd part. One on one the people of toronto seem distant, though it might just be quiet and or shy. They never smile, or say hello. Rarely do they hold open a door for somebody. But put these meek quiet people behind the wheel of a car and you will see a transformation that would make Robert Louis Stevensons mind explode. These people honk and yell and scream and become void of any patience. Its a bizzare transformation. I secretly wish that we could interact like that in person. Just walking behind somebody in the mall who is walking slower than you cause they are waiting for a cart to pass so they can turn left into the womens section. FUCKING TURN OKAY!? FUCK!?! JUST GO! I CANT SEEM TO REALIZE THAT IT WOULD BE UNSAFE AND ILL ADVISED FOR YOU TO GO BECAUASE I LEFT LATE TODAY AND AM FREAKING OUT AT MYSELF! NOT ENOUGH TO CHANGE WHAT I DO AND LEAVE EARLIER NEXT TIME, BUT ENOUGH TO PROJECT MY HATE ON TO YOU FOR BEING THE SLOWEST PERSON SINCE THE CREATION OF TIME! IF HENRY FORD WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOUD BE BORN ONE DAY, INSTEAD OF INVENTING THE ASSEMBLY LINE HE WOULD HAVE JUST SLIT HIS THROAT WITH A DULL SPOON!
SIDE NOTE: For those of you who dont follow the litterary world, Robert Louis Stevenson, in 1886 wrote a novella called Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. This story has been told and re told in many different ways. Movies, plays, musicals etc. My vote for the worst is Mary Reilly, the 1996 adaptation of the book featuring John Malcovitch and Julia Roberts. My vote for best is the broadway musical. Not only do I really enjoy the music of Frank Wildhorn, but if you can find a copy of David Hasselhoff playing the lead... treat yourself. I have it on VHS!
I once had a friend who would rewrite lyrics to his favorite songs. He did this for a lot of songs. Then he would write them out (not on a computer) and give it to you if he thought you would like it. Often he would take a song you like and re work it specifically for you. This "skill" brought about the hard held belief that he could be a lyricist. I would often say to him, you do realize that its easy to "write" a song because the songs you are "writing" have already been written? And that from scratch to make a hit song it is fairly difficult? He disagreed. He doesnt have any grammys to his name YET, but if you want a catchy re working of American Woman, I know a guy.
Do you know somebody who never grew up after the graduated? That that last year, those friendships and events, are obiously the best thing that has happened to them? I have a friend who still has her grad photo up beside her bed! She talks about the events that happened as if they were last week but they were more than 10 years ago! "Oh my god! Do you remember when Jenny broke up with you? That was so rough!" NO I DONT! I WAS 15! That was more than a decade ago! I dont remember what I did YESTERDAY!
So I had worked hard to keep something a secret. I was planning on going back home on Dec 15th for christmas, but was informed by my employer that it would be better for me, workwise, if I didnt take that time off. It would mean that I would get better shifts in January, which is important to me. So I cancelled the flight and will now be working instead of surprising people. I love to surprise people. I also like non occasion gifts. Im a big fan of the "I saw this in a store and thought of you! so... happy... tuesday!". Im not a big fan of holidays, so I dont mind working. I love christmas baking, so the fact that I now work christmas eve will help protect the waistline from that!
I am off to sleep and try and rest before another day of work begins!
Thanks for reading and please tell your friends! Or your enemies!
Mike
Today, amongst other things, we will talk about technology! Specifically internet connections. You see, as an adult I pay what is called "money" for an "internet provider". This is a simple contract between me and a business that states that I will pay them a fee and they will provide me with a service. If I shouldnt be able to pay the fee I will get in trouble! If they shouldnt be able to provide the service, well thats just how the world works.
Tomorrow night I am going to see Andre-Phillipe Gagnon, a popular impersonator who sings. I have seen him on tv several times and have never enjoyed him, so we shall see how it goes live. Why am I going to see this man if I dont like him? The tickets were free people. The tickets were free. And if you can't go see an internationally acclaimed act for free then who the hell are you! HUH!? WHAT? YOURE TO GOOD FOR FREE TICKETS? HMMM!?!?! YOU HAVE "PLANS" WITH YOUR "FRIENDS" ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!?! WELL GOOD FOR YOU!
I was going to say "Gosh I have used a lot of air quotes today!", but then i rememebered... this is a blog. Even if thats how they sound in my head, once its written it is no longer and air quote. I guess its more of a paper quote. hmmmm... computer quote? I think its unfair that a quality air quote gets demoted when written. It tries so hard to be so sarcastic and flippant and yet... on paper, worthless.
Lets talk about sex for a moment. I think its unfair that youth can be given such skill and ability to sneak sex into their lives. Try to hide it from parents and get away with it. They have so much ability to try and get away with it, but in no way does that skill lend itself to realizing that along with sex comes a smell. Not a bad smell by any means, but a very specific smell none the less, and yet we STILL deny that thats what that is. Im just saying... i dont need to see the tray and the ingredients to know that you just baked cookies. I smell chocolate and the air is warm!
SIDE NOTE: Do you know what is terrible? When you go into a small bathroom right after somebody and it reeks, and you can plug your nose or not breath all you like but then once you are in the bathroom you realize that its really warm as well? You know where that warm air came from! Aww... we as a people are disgusting.
People in Toronto are a bizzare combination of agressive and totally passive. Now they arent passive agressive which is the odd part. One on one the people of toronto seem distant, though it might just be quiet and or shy. They never smile, or say hello. Rarely do they hold open a door for somebody. But put these meek quiet people behind the wheel of a car and you will see a transformation that would make Robert Louis Stevensons mind explode. These people honk and yell and scream and become void of any patience. Its a bizzare transformation. I secretly wish that we could interact like that in person. Just walking behind somebody in the mall who is walking slower than you cause they are waiting for a cart to pass so they can turn left into the womens section. FUCKING TURN OKAY!? FUCK!?! JUST GO! I CANT SEEM TO REALIZE THAT IT WOULD BE UNSAFE AND ILL ADVISED FOR YOU TO GO BECAUASE I LEFT LATE TODAY AND AM FREAKING OUT AT MYSELF! NOT ENOUGH TO CHANGE WHAT I DO AND LEAVE EARLIER NEXT TIME, BUT ENOUGH TO PROJECT MY HATE ON TO YOU FOR BEING THE SLOWEST PERSON SINCE THE CREATION OF TIME! IF HENRY FORD WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOUD BE BORN ONE DAY, INSTEAD OF INVENTING THE ASSEMBLY LINE HE WOULD HAVE JUST SLIT HIS THROAT WITH A DULL SPOON!
SIDE NOTE: For those of you who dont follow the litterary world, Robert Louis Stevenson, in 1886 wrote a novella called Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. This story has been told and re told in many different ways. Movies, plays, musicals etc. My vote for the worst is Mary Reilly, the 1996 adaptation of the book featuring John Malcovitch and Julia Roberts. My vote for best is the broadway musical. Not only do I really enjoy the music of Frank Wildhorn, but if you can find a copy of David Hasselhoff playing the lead... treat yourself. I have it on VHS!
I once had a friend who would rewrite lyrics to his favorite songs. He did this for a lot of songs. Then he would write them out (not on a computer) and give it to you if he thought you would like it. Often he would take a song you like and re work it specifically for you. This "skill" brought about the hard held belief that he could be a lyricist. I would often say to him, you do realize that its easy to "write" a song because the songs you are "writing" have already been written? And that from scratch to make a hit song it is fairly difficult? He disagreed. He doesnt have any grammys to his name YET, but if you want a catchy re working of American Woman, I know a guy.
Do you know somebody who never grew up after the graduated? That that last year, those friendships and events, are obiously the best thing that has happened to them? I have a friend who still has her grad photo up beside her bed! She talks about the events that happened as if they were last week but they were more than 10 years ago! "Oh my god! Do you remember when Jenny broke up with you? That was so rough!" NO I DONT! I WAS 15! That was more than a decade ago! I dont remember what I did YESTERDAY!
So I had worked hard to keep something a secret. I was planning on going back home on Dec 15th for christmas, but was informed by my employer that it would be better for me, workwise, if I didnt take that time off. It would mean that I would get better shifts in January, which is important to me. So I cancelled the flight and will now be working instead of surprising people. I love to surprise people. I also like non occasion gifts. Im a big fan of the "I saw this in a store and thought of you! so... happy... tuesday!". Im not a big fan of holidays, so I dont mind working. I love christmas baking, so the fact that I now work christmas eve will help protect the waistline from that!
I am off to sleep and try and rest before another day of work begins!
Thanks for reading and please tell your friends! Or your enemies!
Mike
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
November 30 - CRAZY HAZEL
Welcome back boys and girls!
Today we start by talking about comedy. I would like you to open your books to page 1. A chapter entitled? Thats right! "Improv and sketch are two different things". Tonight I went and watched a sketch comedy show which featured stand up, improv and sketch. Now I understand that the lines can be blurred sometimes. Its all done in the name of comedy. Hopefully. But when you advertise a sketch comedy night... let it be mostly sketches. Lets meet half way and agree that if it is in fact a "Sketch Comedy Night"... at least 50 percent be sketch. On this occasion sadly only 1/3 of the sketches were funny, but thus is the gamble in the world of $5 comedy nights.
When I moved here a lot of the hard ass'd people in the town I came from warned me that my comedy might not fly here in the BIG CITY! They have higher standards and will let me know what they think. From what I have seen the bar is pretty low. From what I have seen there have only been 3 or 4 performers that i went... WOW! OKAY. thats something to compete against. The others just arent funny. Im not saying i AM funnier than them, but i do FEEL funnier than them. Bah. Who knows.
My eyes have been driving me crazy. I think it may be time to make the leap to the world of glasses. I will talk to a doctor... we shall see!
So yesterday I ranted about my childhood and Halloween and other things. My mom told me this morning that I should watch what I say on here. I think she should be happy that I have yet to tell any stories about her. There are many and they are all amazing. But instead I think i shall talk about another woman. I worry that I have spoken about her before... and if I have then you should skip the next paragraph.
I am currently renting a room from another actor. I live on the top floor of a 4 level house. On the 3rd floor are my other roommates as well as kitchen and washroom, and on the main floor is a character in and of herself. She is the gargoyle of our building. she checks in on us and snoops. she watches when we come and go and will often go through our mail. On my first day she informed me that she was the superintendent of the building and that if I slammed the door it would be a $500 fine. This is a part of who Hazel is. Crazy Hazel lives downstairs and somewhat resembles the witch from sword and the stone. She is not the superintendent of this building, shes a tenant, and... as you may have guessed... crazy. Hazel has informed us that she is actually not aging, she is getting younger. She will often stop us a the door by blocking our way. She reeks of an unwashed body and dirty clothes and has missing teeth. She has never been terrible to me, but she has been vicious to the others. As of late the actual landlord has had to come and tell her that she cant keep bugging us, and so we havent seen her as of late. We only know shes still alive because her lights are on at night and off during the day. Other than that... she seems to have disappeared. In my brownstone rooming house I am currently living out an Edward Albee play.
I have made oatmeal for the first time. I am an adult and i realize that its silly, but I have purchased a package of instant oatmeal and I eat it every day. Its so simple, I dont know why i never did before. I also got two packs of MR NOODLES, which I have never had. I figured I should grab some just in case I was busy and needed quick food. But one mr noodles has 62% of your suggested daily intake of sodium. Just doesnt seem like a good gamble as a gigantic man.
I hate to tease, but i may have a line on yet ANOTHER apartment. we shall see. I will keep you in the loop of if I am homeless or not. As my dear friend morgan brought up, I do still have my hobo costume here, so I should be good. We came to the realization that if you are homeless, any clothes you were are a hobo costume. Interesting that!
As I said early in the blog, my eyes are sore and tired, so I think its best that I just close my computer and try and get some sleep. Mike fact: I have never smoked pot, not once. So if you ever see me with bloodshot eyes, it means that I am very sleepy.
My eyes are currently very bloodshot.
Talk to you tomorrow
Mike
Today we start by talking about comedy. I would like you to open your books to page 1. A chapter entitled? Thats right! "Improv and sketch are two different things". Tonight I went and watched a sketch comedy show which featured stand up, improv and sketch. Now I understand that the lines can be blurred sometimes. Its all done in the name of comedy. Hopefully. But when you advertise a sketch comedy night... let it be mostly sketches. Lets meet half way and agree that if it is in fact a "Sketch Comedy Night"... at least 50 percent be sketch. On this occasion sadly only 1/3 of the sketches were funny, but thus is the gamble in the world of $5 comedy nights.
When I moved here a lot of the hard ass'd people in the town I came from warned me that my comedy might not fly here in the BIG CITY! They have higher standards and will let me know what they think. From what I have seen the bar is pretty low. From what I have seen there have only been 3 or 4 performers that i went... WOW! OKAY. thats something to compete against. The others just arent funny. Im not saying i AM funnier than them, but i do FEEL funnier than them. Bah. Who knows.
My eyes have been driving me crazy. I think it may be time to make the leap to the world of glasses. I will talk to a doctor... we shall see!
So yesterday I ranted about my childhood and Halloween and other things. My mom told me this morning that I should watch what I say on here. I think she should be happy that I have yet to tell any stories about her. There are many and they are all amazing. But instead I think i shall talk about another woman. I worry that I have spoken about her before... and if I have then you should skip the next paragraph.
I am currently renting a room from another actor. I live on the top floor of a 4 level house. On the 3rd floor are my other roommates as well as kitchen and washroom, and on the main floor is a character in and of herself. She is the gargoyle of our building. she checks in on us and snoops. she watches when we come and go and will often go through our mail. On my first day she informed me that she was the superintendent of the building and that if I slammed the door it would be a $500 fine. This is a part of who Hazel is. Crazy Hazel lives downstairs and somewhat resembles the witch from sword and the stone. She is not the superintendent of this building, shes a tenant, and... as you may have guessed... crazy. Hazel has informed us that she is actually not aging, she is getting younger. She will often stop us a the door by blocking our way. She reeks of an unwashed body and dirty clothes and has missing teeth. She has never been terrible to me, but she has been vicious to the others. As of late the actual landlord has had to come and tell her that she cant keep bugging us, and so we havent seen her as of late. We only know shes still alive because her lights are on at night and off during the day. Other than that... she seems to have disappeared. In my brownstone rooming house I am currently living out an Edward Albee play.
I have made oatmeal for the first time. I am an adult and i realize that its silly, but I have purchased a package of instant oatmeal and I eat it every day. Its so simple, I dont know why i never did before. I also got two packs of MR NOODLES, which I have never had. I figured I should grab some just in case I was busy and needed quick food. But one mr noodles has 62% of your suggested daily intake of sodium. Just doesnt seem like a good gamble as a gigantic man.
I hate to tease, but i may have a line on yet ANOTHER apartment. we shall see. I will keep you in the loop of if I am homeless or not. As my dear friend morgan brought up, I do still have my hobo costume here, so I should be good. We came to the realization that if you are homeless, any clothes you were are a hobo costume. Interesting that!
As I said early in the blog, my eyes are sore and tired, so I think its best that I just close my computer and try and get some sleep. Mike fact: I have never smoked pot, not once. So if you ever see me with bloodshot eyes, it means that I am very sleepy.
My eyes are currently very bloodshot.
Talk to you tomorrow
Mike
Sunday, November 28, 2010
november 28 - Foreign films and fame
So it happened today. Today I went to a small local theatre and watched a foreign film from england. It was delightful and seemed to have an okay budget and an exciting script. I saw Harry Potter. I really enjoyed it. I thought the 2.5 hours went by really fast. My roommate and I saw it at a theatre that has a VIP option. If you choose this theatre, its about 4 or 5 dollars more, but there are amazing seats, maybe 30 seats total, a nice small screen that is perfect for the room, plus they have a waitress that will bring you your pop and popcorn and they also serve booze. Nothin like a lazy boy recliner, a beer, and a movie. Will I do it again? hell yes I will.
Today was my first day off in 9 days. I slept and and relaxed and it couldnt have been nicer. Made a quick trip to the store to get gloves and shoes for the snow. I got the gloves, but the place didnt have my size for boots. I suppose its a good thing that there isnt snow on the ground. YET! I read that this year will be one of the worst years for snow in Toronto... I suppose we shall see. WHO KNOWS.
For those of you following my hunt for a place to live as of January 1st, I will update you that another place has fallen through. Found out at noon today that an AMAZING place right on the water wouldn't accept my application. Oh well. So much for all the perks of being poor! Shame.
So here we are. What should we talk about today? First off to anybody in Victoria BC who is reading this, i would like to push a show for you to see. Justin Carter will be doing a show at the Intrepid Theatre Club called Son of Africville on December 4th. Its an autobiographical show about meeting his birthmother after 20 years of seperation. He is a wonderful actor and singer and I highly recommend supporting him. Show is $10 from intrepid Theatre. Go see it!
I will be honest with you folks, I really dont know what to write tonight. Its a case of an overflow of ideas. 37 ideas when I want to have just one. Can I just say though that I think customer service is underrated? I have had bad service day after day after day! Its just not important in toronto. When I went to start up my new bank account, the woman behind the desk asked how she could help me and then didnt even listen to my response! I said I wanted to set up an account and she looked back up at me and replied... gosh its cold out today isnt it? I responded by just leaving. I went to another branch and got treated like a terrorist instead. So good for me! I have a fairly big audition in December that I would like to go well. In fact when I think about it I cant help but get a little twinkly in my eye and the tiniest amount of puke in my mouth. Its tough here. I feel like performing gives me the oxygen to live. Right now i am swimming in this pool of mundane work and meet and greets after shows and when i get on stage and get laughs its like INHALE!!!! and back in. I was worried when i came out here that nobody would want to see me perform, and if they did they wouldn't like my stuff. In the 2 stand up shows I have done, i got asked back right after... so people find me funny... now its just trying to make a lot of them find me funny. I thought about performing in a shirt that has my name on it... but that seems stupid. Its still on the table of options though.
I have a show on Dec 8th in toronto. If you know anybody who should see the show, please shoot me an email and I will happily invite them! or give you the info and you can invite them! I just want to work! hahaha.
A fuse has just blown in my place and in order to turn it back on I will have to go down to Crazy hazels in the morning. Worth it? No its not! Time to turn off the computer. More about crazy hazel tomorrow! I am going to try and sleep if I can. If there is a subject you think i should talk about, send me an email, or even make a comment. I always like suggestions. And hey, I might not know anything about it, so an uneducated rant might be fun! or get me elected to government. YES! YES that joke just happened. Hello canadian TV! Here I come!
Mike
Today was my first day off in 9 days. I slept and and relaxed and it couldnt have been nicer. Made a quick trip to the store to get gloves and shoes for the snow. I got the gloves, but the place didnt have my size for boots. I suppose its a good thing that there isnt snow on the ground. YET! I read that this year will be one of the worst years for snow in Toronto... I suppose we shall see. WHO KNOWS.
For those of you following my hunt for a place to live as of January 1st, I will update you that another place has fallen through. Found out at noon today that an AMAZING place right on the water wouldn't accept my application. Oh well. So much for all the perks of being poor! Shame.
So here we are. What should we talk about today? First off to anybody in Victoria BC who is reading this, i would like to push a show for you to see. Justin Carter will be doing a show at the Intrepid Theatre Club called Son of Africville on December 4th. Its an autobiographical show about meeting his birthmother after 20 years of seperation. He is a wonderful actor and singer and I highly recommend supporting him. Show is $10 from intrepid Theatre. Go see it!
I will be honest with you folks, I really dont know what to write tonight. Its a case of an overflow of ideas. 37 ideas when I want to have just one. Can I just say though that I think customer service is underrated? I have had bad service day after day after day! Its just not important in toronto. When I went to start up my new bank account, the woman behind the desk asked how she could help me and then didnt even listen to my response! I said I wanted to set up an account and she looked back up at me and replied... gosh its cold out today isnt it? I responded by just leaving. I went to another branch and got treated like a terrorist instead. So good for me! I have a fairly big audition in December that I would like to go well. In fact when I think about it I cant help but get a little twinkly in my eye and the tiniest amount of puke in my mouth. Its tough here. I feel like performing gives me the oxygen to live. Right now i am swimming in this pool of mundane work and meet and greets after shows and when i get on stage and get laughs its like INHALE!!!! and back in. I was worried when i came out here that nobody would want to see me perform, and if they did they wouldn't like my stuff. In the 2 stand up shows I have done, i got asked back right after... so people find me funny... now its just trying to make a lot of them find me funny. I thought about performing in a shirt that has my name on it... but that seems stupid. Its still on the table of options though.
I have a show on Dec 8th in toronto. If you know anybody who should see the show, please shoot me an email and I will happily invite them! or give you the info and you can invite them! I just want to work! hahaha.
A fuse has just blown in my place and in order to turn it back on I will have to go down to Crazy hazels in the morning. Worth it? No its not! Time to turn off the computer. More about crazy hazel tomorrow! I am going to try and sleep if I can. If there is a subject you think i should talk about, send me an email, or even make a comment. I always like suggestions. And hey, I might not know anything about it, so an uneducated rant might be fun! or get me elected to government. YES! YES that joke just happened. Hello canadian TV! Here I come!
Mike
Friday, November 26, 2010
November 26 - Cowboys, Chick Flicks, and a Bitch
A short while ago I mentioned my steal of a deal western dvd purchase. I watched the first one last night and really enjoyed it. Its tough though as some of them, I think, will be terrible. Its tough when movies are made in the late 60's and early 70s to not have that 70's feel in the making of the film. I think thats why the good the bad and the ugly is so timeless. Side note, Eli Wallach who plays Tuco in that film (or UGLY) is also in the movie "the holiday". I hadnt really seen him in anything else and to see him in that movie as a sweet old man was wonderful. Big Lee Van Cleef fan as well. Being a younger guy, born past the golden age of westerns, its amazing to me that a man could get steady starring work for almost 40 years in mostly just westerns. I adore western movies and I would happily do one any time. I actually have a piece in my stand up about that! I would tell it to you now but its more of a visual thing. Its good though.
To those that know me, they know that I am a big fan of what is commonly called the chick flick. I have seen most of them and on several occasions it was me dragging the women to see them. I think they are cute and adorable and good fun. Are they great films? no. Are they well written? usually no. One of my top ten favorite films is Love Actually. I think its an amazing movie. Its heavy and light, well written and well directed. Its a good movie any time, but a great holiday film.
Before work today I was crossing the street. A large truck went by and it had a word on the side. "HiLite" There were two young construction workers beside me and one said the word out loud. he said "HILL TEE" to which his friend said "its HIGH LIGHT... fuckin faggot". Now I dont know how that word came into play. But it made me wonder... is this guy under the impression that gay people cant spell? because that is wrong sir! THAT IS WRONG. The gays in general have both wonderful spelling AND penmanship! I wanted to walk up to that illiterate construction worker and say... it gets better son. It gets better.
So I have been a proud client of Coast Capital Savings for a good long time now, but Toronto doesnt have a prominent Credit Union. I have been forced to open an account at a bank. The largest one in town is Scotiabank. I have friends and old girlfriends who have had accounts with them and just hated them, but here we are. I miss the days when you walked into a business and they seemed happy to have you there. In setting up an account I had an issue with the woman as she treated me like she didnt even want me there. I thought half way through of saying... I can keep my money some place else if you'd like me too. Her name plate said "Director of First Impressions" Considering she wasnt there when I walked in and then treated me like a hobo, I feel like she should change her title. Maybe something more fitting. Princess of the High Horse Brigade? Exececutive VP in charge of being a twat? I dunno... I will think of something. This woman asked me who I worked for and I told her that I work for Mirvish. And she didnt know who that was. Now I understand if you have never been to Toronto or if you have no interest or knowledge in canadian theatre, but this woman was obviously from toronto. For those of you who dont know who Ed and David Mirvish are, they are, amongst other things, major theatre producers. The first canadian producers of Miss Saigon, Les Mis and Phantom amongst others. But ALSO, along king street where 2 of their 4 theatres are (as well as this scotia bank) the name MIRVISH is on every lamp post down nearly a 10 block strip. This woman passes them EVERY DAY to get into work. It just didnt make sense.
Anyways. I am working just over 50 hours a week and need to be up bright and early for tomorrow! Good night! Talk to you tomorrow.
Mike
To those that know me, they know that I am a big fan of what is commonly called the chick flick. I have seen most of them and on several occasions it was me dragging the women to see them. I think they are cute and adorable and good fun. Are they great films? no. Are they well written? usually no. One of my top ten favorite films is Love Actually. I think its an amazing movie. Its heavy and light, well written and well directed. Its a good movie any time, but a great holiday film.
Before work today I was crossing the street. A large truck went by and it had a word on the side. "HiLite" There were two young construction workers beside me and one said the word out loud. he said "HILL TEE" to which his friend said "its HIGH LIGHT... fuckin faggot". Now I dont know how that word came into play. But it made me wonder... is this guy under the impression that gay people cant spell? because that is wrong sir! THAT IS WRONG. The gays in general have both wonderful spelling AND penmanship! I wanted to walk up to that illiterate construction worker and say... it gets better son. It gets better.
So I have been a proud client of Coast Capital Savings for a good long time now, but Toronto doesnt have a prominent Credit Union. I have been forced to open an account at a bank. The largest one in town is Scotiabank. I have friends and old girlfriends who have had accounts with them and just hated them, but here we are. I miss the days when you walked into a business and they seemed happy to have you there. In setting up an account I had an issue with the woman as she treated me like she didnt even want me there. I thought half way through of saying... I can keep my money some place else if you'd like me too. Her name plate said "Director of First Impressions" Considering she wasnt there when I walked in and then treated me like a hobo, I feel like she should change her title. Maybe something more fitting. Princess of the High Horse Brigade? Exececutive VP in charge of being a twat? I dunno... I will think of something. This woman asked me who I worked for and I told her that I work for Mirvish. And she didnt know who that was. Now I understand if you have never been to Toronto or if you have no interest or knowledge in canadian theatre, but this woman was obviously from toronto. For those of you who dont know who Ed and David Mirvish are, they are, amongst other things, major theatre producers. The first canadian producers of Miss Saigon, Les Mis and Phantom amongst others. But ALSO, along king street where 2 of their 4 theatres are (as well as this scotia bank) the name MIRVISH is on every lamp post down nearly a 10 block strip. This woman passes them EVERY DAY to get into work. It just didnt make sense.
Anyways. I am working just over 50 hours a week and need to be up bright and early for tomorrow! Good night! Talk to you tomorrow.
Mike
Thursday, November 25, 2010
November 25 - Slutty Winter Coat
I have learned a valuable lesson this week. I have worked the last 8 days in a row working about 60 hours in said days. When I work at 9 it means that, if I want to walk, I need to be out the door at 8:35ISH. which means I drag my ass out of bed at say... 7:45. On average I go to bed at around 3am. If you are a fan of math, you will see that that equals about 4.5 hours of sleep. Now, Jay Leno works on 5 hours of sleep at night. He says he cant sleep any more. he wakes up early every day. I, in many ways, am not Jay Leno. I am fuckin tired people. just exhausted. So do I stop? do I stop seeing shows and waddle my ass home at a reasonable hour? NOPE! No I do not. but I should have. And now I am. Lesson learned.
It was talked about in an article once, but I really dont like to talk to people. I will happily say hello and chat with a fan when they take the time out of their day to say hi, and my friend Rod and I will stand on a street corner and talk for hours in the middle of the night sometimes, and I will happily shoot the shit over a beer with the guys, but I cant handle the schmooze. I dont do it well. I get nervous meeting new people, and I hate hate hate being the actor that just talks about all of their upcoming shows. Its so gross! I just cant do it. I performed the other night and all I wanted to do was to leave after. I know that i should schmooze. I should push myself on these people instead of just shaking hands and introducing myself. I never know what to say! oh well. Maybe one day I will change.
I went to see Burlesque last night. The movie people! Cher! It was one of the few times that I wished I was a flaming homosexual. How a movie that is so predictable and poorly written gets Stanley Tucci I will never know. Like his friend Oliver Platt, the addition of Stanley Tucci, no matter what size the role, will greatly improve a film. What a terrible film. Terrible! And I honestly couldnt have had more fun. The audience cheered after each song. Broke out in hard laughter when Christina sang for the first time. and gave a standing ovation at the end. If you didnt get the camp of the film walking in, then this crowd would happily help you with that. It was a really great time. My only actual complaint is the total waste of talent in casting Alan Cummings as the door man. He did nothing and he is so fantastic. He has less than 10 lines in the film, and for such a good actor, its just not right. Oh well. Who knows what went on!
I have been on the hunt to find a place in Toronto for January. I had a place lined up but it fell through which was disappointing. Oh well! Trying to find a nice place in this town is crazy! I think i might have done it though. I have put in an application for a beautiful place right downtown on the lake. 46 story with a view of the CN tower. So amazing. I hope I get it. and im not gonna lie, I will blow my fucking stack if I dont. There is nothing that kills your motivation more than constant rejection! (Says the actor trying to make it in toronto. interesting)
Talked to my mom on the phone today. She read the blog last night. Notice any comments on here? Nope. Were there comments? Yes... yes there were.
I want to share something with you reader. I dont know how to say this... but...
I was raped today. I know what you think. You are a guy and a giant. how the fuck does that happen. I didnt see it coming. I was on my break at work and had to go downtown for a meeting. I took a wrong turn and went down the wrong street and bam. I didnt want it. I didnt so it was okay, and i hated every moment. The wind raped me like a whore. I turned around the corner and got the wind in my face from off the lake at -3 today. It pushed my against a wall and ruined me. My hands trembled and I tried to get away from it but couldnt. Admittedly, I was walking with my coat wide open before I turned the corner around the building so... i guess cause of the way i was dressed i might have been asking for it... but I dont think thats right. I HATE THE WIND. I HATE IT!
Thanks for the read!
Mike
It was talked about in an article once, but I really dont like to talk to people. I will happily say hello and chat with a fan when they take the time out of their day to say hi, and my friend Rod and I will stand on a street corner and talk for hours in the middle of the night sometimes, and I will happily shoot the shit over a beer with the guys, but I cant handle the schmooze. I dont do it well. I get nervous meeting new people, and I hate hate hate being the actor that just talks about all of their upcoming shows. Its so gross! I just cant do it. I performed the other night and all I wanted to do was to leave after. I know that i should schmooze. I should push myself on these people instead of just shaking hands and introducing myself. I never know what to say! oh well. Maybe one day I will change.
I went to see Burlesque last night. The movie people! Cher! It was one of the few times that I wished I was a flaming homosexual. How a movie that is so predictable and poorly written gets Stanley Tucci I will never know. Like his friend Oliver Platt, the addition of Stanley Tucci, no matter what size the role, will greatly improve a film. What a terrible film. Terrible! And I honestly couldnt have had more fun. The audience cheered after each song. Broke out in hard laughter when Christina sang for the first time. and gave a standing ovation at the end. If you didnt get the camp of the film walking in, then this crowd would happily help you with that. It was a really great time. My only actual complaint is the total waste of talent in casting Alan Cummings as the door man. He did nothing and he is so fantastic. He has less than 10 lines in the film, and for such a good actor, its just not right. Oh well. Who knows what went on!
I have been on the hunt to find a place in Toronto for January. I had a place lined up but it fell through which was disappointing. Oh well! Trying to find a nice place in this town is crazy! I think i might have done it though. I have put in an application for a beautiful place right downtown on the lake. 46 story with a view of the CN tower. So amazing. I hope I get it. and im not gonna lie, I will blow my fucking stack if I dont. There is nothing that kills your motivation more than constant rejection! (Says the actor trying to make it in toronto. interesting)
Talked to my mom on the phone today. She read the blog last night. Notice any comments on here? Nope. Were there comments? Yes... yes there were.
I want to share something with you reader. I dont know how to say this... but...
I was raped today. I know what you think. You are a guy and a giant. how the fuck does that happen. I didnt see it coming. I was on my break at work and had to go downtown for a meeting. I took a wrong turn and went down the wrong street and bam. I didnt want it. I didnt so it was okay, and i hated every moment. The wind raped me like a whore. I turned around the corner and got the wind in my face from off the lake at -3 today. It pushed my against a wall and ruined me. My hands trembled and I tried to get away from it but couldnt. Admittedly, I was walking with my coat wide open before I turned the corner around the building so... i guess cause of the way i was dressed i might have been asking for it... but I dont think thats right. I HATE THE WIND. I HATE IT!
Thanks for the read!
Mike
Monday, November 22, 2010
November 22 - Popped Collar Douche
Tonight as I was walking home I was checked out by 3 guys. And when I say "checked out" I dont mean oooo who is that handsome husky dark haired fellow? I mean that i got checked out as in "what the fuck are you looking at peasant?". Now, I get it! Some people think highly of themselves, and honestly, some should. But I will NOT take being looked down upon by three guys who travel together in the same car and wear sunglasses at 11:30pm! Its almost midnight boys! Loose the shades, tone down the cologne that smells like musky balls, and un pop your collar, you are a fucking adult. You wanna fuck a 20 year old college girl? Build a time machine and go back 18 years to when you were appealing to them.
I would like to extend a warm hello and thank you to my new over seas readers! This blog now has readers in Canada, United States, Britain, Singapore, Slovenia, Denmark, Ecuador, Germany, and Australia.
Speaking of Germany, I would like to promote two very dear friends of mine. Several years ago I was fortunate enough to become friends with a brother and sister in Berlin. Astrid and Otto Rot have a band and tour the world. Now if you dont know who they are, you should. Right now I am wearing one of their t shirts that I got this summer. Their music is wonderful and inventive, as musicians they are talented and inspiring, and as people they are sweet and kind. Do yourself a favor and visit itunes and listen to their stuff. look up Die Roten Punkte, or go to their website www.dierotenpunkte.com . People with that much talent need to be a household names and I want you to trust me when I say that their CD's (their newest is my favorite) are worth every penny.
Tonight I went out to see stand up comedy here in Toronto. As somebody who is trying to be funny for a living, its tough to watch comedy from the audience. For some of the performers I sit there and laugh and say GOD they are funny! and then I watch others and I say HOW THE HELL ARE THEY UP THERE AND IM NOT!?!?! Oh well. Give it time I guess.
As some of you know I am on a weight loss kick. An old friend of mine sent me an email yesterday with options to spice up my enjoyment of water. Also made recommendations on how to fix the hunger of dieting. I just want to say to all who read and take an interest in my weight loss journey that I am doing it properly. I complain a lot cause it would be much more fun and soooo easy to just eat a burger than a bowl of rice and vegetables. I have currently lost 20lbs since the start of my attempt by just dropping the crap out of my diet. Saying good bye to a lot of sweets, pop and just bad foods. Its good. Top that off with a little working out and I am on track to being happier about my health. Dropping the fat doesnt hurt my in-the-mirror pride either. Its nice when you can notice. The day you say... HEY! I have a jaw line! I thought i was born without one.
I got my lady friend something small to celebrate the birth of jesus christ and I am currently on the phone right now to change the delivery method and my estimated wait time is 30minutes! 30 MINUTES! Thats obscene. Right now I work for Mirvish selling tickets (which I really enjoy) and people on the phone seem shocked when I am nice to them. Of the things I noticed when I moved, the lack of amazing customer service was a bit one. Nobody seems to appreciate that you patronize their business. Its such an odd town. So when I am really nice to people who are buying hundreds of dollars worth of tickets, they seem surprised. Its one of those... you dont by a ticket... I dont have a job situations.
Okay. I am going to go and yell at the nice folks on the phone. Im not even mad. I just feel like I should be for the wait.
Thanks all for reading!
Mike
Side note: at the 29 minute mark the phone rang and then they disconnected me. NICE... real nice.
I would like to extend a warm hello and thank you to my new over seas readers! This blog now has readers in Canada, United States, Britain, Singapore, Slovenia, Denmark, Ecuador, Germany, and Australia.
Speaking of Germany, I would like to promote two very dear friends of mine. Several years ago I was fortunate enough to become friends with a brother and sister in Berlin. Astrid and Otto Rot have a band and tour the world. Now if you dont know who they are, you should. Right now I am wearing one of their t shirts that I got this summer. Their music is wonderful and inventive, as musicians they are talented and inspiring, and as people they are sweet and kind. Do yourself a favor and visit itunes and listen to their stuff. look up Die Roten Punkte, or go to their website www.dierotenpunkte.com . People with that much talent need to be a household names and I want you to trust me when I say that their CD's (their newest is my favorite) are worth every penny.
Tonight I went out to see stand up comedy here in Toronto. As somebody who is trying to be funny for a living, its tough to watch comedy from the audience. For some of the performers I sit there and laugh and say GOD they are funny! and then I watch others and I say HOW THE HELL ARE THEY UP THERE AND IM NOT!?!?! Oh well. Give it time I guess.
As some of you know I am on a weight loss kick. An old friend of mine sent me an email yesterday with options to spice up my enjoyment of water. Also made recommendations on how to fix the hunger of dieting. I just want to say to all who read and take an interest in my weight loss journey that I am doing it properly. I complain a lot cause it would be much more fun and soooo easy to just eat a burger than a bowl of rice and vegetables. I have currently lost 20lbs since the start of my attempt by just dropping the crap out of my diet. Saying good bye to a lot of sweets, pop and just bad foods. Its good. Top that off with a little working out and I am on track to being happier about my health. Dropping the fat doesnt hurt my in-the-mirror pride either. Its nice when you can notice. The day you say... HEY! I have a jaw line! I thought i was born without one.
I got my lady friend something small to celebrate the birth of jesus christ and I am currently on the phone right now to change the delivery method and my estimated wait time is 30minutes! 30 MINUTES! Thats obscene. Right now I work for Mirvish selling tickets (which I really enjoy) and people on the phone seem shocked when I am nice to them. Of the things I noticed when I moved, the lack of amazing customer service was a bit one. Nobody seems to appreciate that you patronize their business. Its such an odd town. So when I am really nice to people who are buying hundreds of dollars worth of tickets, they seem surprised. Its one of those... you dont by a ticket... I dont have a job situations.
Okay. I am going to go and yell at the nice folks on the phone. Im not even mad. I just feel like I should be for the wait.
Thanks all for reading!
Mike
Side note: at the 29 minute mark the phone rang and then they disconnected me. NICE... real nice.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November 21 - Food, movies, and dinosaurs
Here we are again.
Yet another late entry into the world of blogs.
What shall we chat about today? Lets chat about the health front. I think it may be time for Mr Delamont to head down and perhaps purchase some glasses. I have astigmatism and normally its okay, but it has gotten worse. My eyes get tired and I get head aches. Of course today I spent 7 hours working in front of a computer, then saw a movie and am now blogging and after that I plan to read the new GQ. The doctor says that i should do less of all of that... I suppose i could try.
Do you know what is refreshing? A tall drink of water! Do you know what is not entertaining, delicious or enjoyable? A tall drink of water! What do you call a handsome man standing at the bar? Steve, but there is no time for that. FOCUS! all I drink is water. No juice, no coffee, no pop, no nothing! (minus the odd pint) I have stopped drinking the sugar stuff to help drop the weight. Its helping but man is it dull. Good god. Now i wont knock that stuff forever, but i need to go cold turkey right now or I just wont stop. This is killing me. My body just wants to be fat so I have to train it. My mind and my heart are happy but my body thinks this is bullshit. Hey body... you want a chicken wrap with no salt, cheese, or dressing? NO I DONT! OKAY! I WANT TO GO HOME AND MAKE A HUGE SERVING OF PENNE COVERED IN A BEAUTIFUL TOMATO AND GARLIC SAUCE AND TOPPED WITH JUST THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF MOZZARELLA AND ASIAGO! THATS WHAT I WANT OKAY?!?! okay... but all we have is a chicken wrap... it has pickles! You like pickles... Fine I'll eat the fuckin chicken. Of course after that my body gets the kick start of protein and green colored healthy vegetables and forgets about being hungry or wanting shit food and we continue with our day... but none the less! REVOLUTION!
After work today I went 2 blocks over and watched the new Danny Boyle film "127 Hours" about a hiker for falls in the desert and gets his arm caught underneath a boulder. James Franco is in it and, as always, he is wonderful. It was a tough movie to watch due to how graphic it gets. The big plot point raised over and over again is will he survive. Of course in the opening credits it says the film is based on his book. So obviously he survives. Sorry to ruin that for you. But there is still alot of suspense. For me I had an Idea of what was going to happen. If you want to see this movie I say read nothing more about it and just go and see it. Dont read a synopsis or review. just go. The blinder the better. As a person who is afraid of falling AND claustrophobic, It was a very hard movie for me to watch. This is the number one reason why I havent (yet) watched "buried" with Ryan Reynolds. a 90 minute film shot in a coffin. I used to be afraid of being buried alive, and i realize that my fears are now simply the helplessness of a situation and the claustrophobia. So basically I will try my best not to get stuck anywhere lol
Toronto is a great city and for somebody who loves theatre, there isnt really a better place to be in canada. It hasnt started to feel like home yet though. I think it will once I have my own place, but right now as I am subletting a room it hasnt quite settled yet. The job helps. My bosses asked me yesterday... so when can you work? and I said... I dunno... All the time? What would I say? No sorry I cant work that day, i have to much nothing to do! Tickets for a certain musical about a lion come on sale tomorrow so it will be nice to work at a job thats finally super busy. Busy helps make the time fly by.
SO. The plan this week? work 40 hours. See 4 live comedy shows. and 1 European film about a young student named Harold. I shall write about all of it in the best detail I can.
I just learned that my current weight is the same weight that Tyrannosaurus Rex babies loose their feathers and hair. Thats a fun fact! Ironically when I first got to this weight, I became hairless as well. Interesting. I also have small arms and a huge head. I dont want to ruin it for anybody... but i MIGHT be a dinosaur.
Thanks for reading! Tell your friends!
Mike
Yet another late entry into the world of blogs.
What shall we chat about today? Lets chat about the health front. I think it may be time for Mr Delamont to head down and perhaps purchase some glasses. I have astigmatism and normally its okay, but it has gotten worse. My eyes get tired and I get head aches. Of course today I spent 7 hours working in front of a computer, then saw a movie and am now blogging and after that I plan to read the new GQ. The doctor says that i should do less of all of that... I suppose i could try.
Do you know what is refreshing? A tall drink of water! Do you know what is not entertaining, delicious or enjoyable? A tall drink of water! What do you call a handsome man standing at the bar? Steve, but there is no time for that. FOCUS! all I drink is water. No juice, no coffee, no pop, no nothing! (minus the odd pint) I have stopped drinking the sugar stuff to help drop the weight. Its helping but man is it dull. Good god. Now i wont knock that stuff forever, but i need to go cold turkey right now or I just wont stop. This is killing me. My body just wants to be fat so I have to train it. My mind and my heart are happy but my body thinks this is bullshit. Hey body... you want a chicken wrap with no salt, cheese, or dressing? NO I DONT! OKAY! I WANT TO GO HOME AND MAKE A HUGE SERVING OF PENNE COVERED IN A BEAUTIFUL TOMATO AND GARLIC SAUCE AND TOPPED WITH JUST THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF MOZZARELLA AND ASIAGO! THATS WHAT I WANT OKAY?!?! okay... but all we have is a chicken wrap... it has pickles! You like pickles... Fine I'll eat the fuckin chicken. Of course after that my body gets the kick start of protein and green colored healthy vegetables and forgets about being hungry or wanting shit food and we continue with our day... but none the less! REVOLUTION!
After work today I went 2 blocks over and watched the new Danny Boyle film "127 Hours" about a hiker for falls in the desert and gets his arm caught underneath a boulder. James Franco is in it and, as always, he is wonderful. It was a tough movie to watch due to how graphic it gets. The big plot point raised over and over again is will he survive. Of course in the opening credits it says the film is based on his book. So obviously he survives. Sorry to ruin that for you. But there is still alot of suspense. For me I had an Idea of what was going to happen. If you want to see this movie I say read nothing more about it and just go and see it. Dont read a synopsis or review. just go. The blinder the better. As a person who is afraid of falling AND claustrophobic, It was a very hard movie for me to watch. This is the number one reason why I havent (yet) watched "buried" with Ryan Reynolds. a 90 minute film shot in a coffin. I used to be afraid of being buried alive, and i realize that my fears are now simply the helplessness of a situation and the claustrophobia. So basically I will try my best not to get stuck anywhere lol
Toronto is a great city and for somebody who loves theatre, there isnt really a better place to be in canada. It hasnt started to feel like home yet though. I think it will once I have my own place, but right now as I am subletting a room it hasnt quite settled yet. The job helps. My bosses asked me yesterday... so when can you work? and I said... I dunno... All the time? What would I say? No sorry I cant work that day, i have to much nothing to do! Tickets for a certain musical about a lion come on sale tomorrow so it will be nice to work at a job thats finally super busy. Busy helps make the time fly by.
SO. The plan this week? work 40 hours. See 4 live comedy shows. and 1 European film about a young student named Harold. I shall write about all of it in the best detail I can.
I just learned that my current weight is the same weight that Tyrannosaurus Rex babies loose their feathers and hair. Thats a fun fact! Ironically when I first got to this weight, I became hairless as well. Interesting. I also have small arms and a huge head. I dont want to ruin it for anybody... but i MIGHT be a dinosaur.
Thanks for reading! Tell your friends!
Mike
Saturday, November 20, 2010
November 20 - Jews and Christmas
Welcome back and happy saturday to you one and all.
I will start by saying that I normally try to get my blog out in the early evening Toronto Time, or mid afternoon for those avid readers in the west. A part of me thinks i should write it at night and then just post it early in the morning so people can read it whenever they like... like a newspaper. I opted to say newspaper because i feel that my reader numbers sadly resemble those of the newspaper industry. Well... mine is low for a newspaper... not really for a blog. I have now said (including this one) newspaper 5 times. I think we should move on. The point of all that was to say that I am writing today's later than i normally do.
On November 3rd I met a performer named Michael O'hara (perhaps O'Hare). He sang a song at a cabaret that i went to and was just wonderful. Had a full tenor voice with great control. I think for me, singers that i really enjoy are ones that I can trust. I know they wont crack, i know they wont screw up and I can sit there and enjoy. He was an amazing singer, one of the best I have seen live. Great Broadway sound with being "Broadway. (for those non theatre folks, I know you dont know what that last sentence meant... but trust me, its a good thing and, also, all of the theatre people know EXACTLY what I mean). Anyway, after meeting him he told me about a show he had coming up on the 20th, which i decided I would go to. It was in a "club" in Toronto which, despite the websites description, turned out to actually be a restaurant. So if you didnt go early with friends to have dinner and then stay, well there was basically no seating available. I happened to snag a stool at the bar, but that leaded to the discomfort of the fact that the bar ran perpendicular to the stage, so everybody sitting there had to try and look over or beside the head of the person in front of them. This would have been a manageable task had the person in front of me not moved around like a crack head trying to combine watching the show, sipping his drink, and chatting loudly with his friends. By the time intermission came around I was so fed up and my butt was so sore that I said time to go.
SIDE STORY: One of the songs tonight was sung by a woman introduced as a Yiddish diva. She sang a holiday song and a peter paul and mary song, both in Yiddish. She was quite good. The woman beside me was chatting with her friends and informed them that Yiddish is actually a form of German (correct) and that it was invented my Jewish factory workers (incorrect) so that their German bosses wouldn't know what they are saying (SO FUCKING INCORRECT IT HURTS MY BODY) When you were a kid, after your parents taught you Pig Latin, did you ever use it to say bad shit about them forgetting that they taught it to you? Same thing. I wont go into what is wrong with what she said. Maybe she was getting it mixed up with the popular tale of the history of capoera. Who knows. But wow. The fact that she hasn't died while brushing her teeth in the morning astounds me. Just saying.
MORE JEWS: Welcome to my extra jewish content portion of todays blog. Now... since the beginning of my time on this earth, I have always liked jewish people. No reason not to! Im not jewish but my foreskin is so thats a close bond as well. Also, If you didnt laugh at that you shouldnt be reading this blog. Tonight I walked by a jewish soft-serve frozen yogurt shop. 10 flavors that change every week. Marshmallow, cookies n cream, candy cane, chocolate, etc etc etc. ALL LOW or NON FAT! once you have filled your cup to it's desired amount, you throw on any toppings you like and then they weigh it. And its affordable! Kosher Soft serve at its very finest. I adore this place and i... and my waist line... are thankful to live a good long distance away from it. But if i am ever near it, you can bet your sweet ass Im going in!
When you were a kid do you remember the Santa Claus parade being in November? Didnt it all just blur together so it seemed like a week before christmas? I grew up in Cranbrook BC and when I was young, my dad was an owner of a Nissan dealership and so i got to ride in the Nissan "float" one Christmas throwing candy canes from a snowmobile (how much more small town Canada can you get!) and apparently we werent throwing it far enough (ie to the sidewalks) and the producer told us that we couldnt throw candy anymore as she worried we wouldnt throw it far enough and kids would get caught under the wheels of the trucks. First off.. I was 6. secondly i felt we threw them far enough, and if we werent, i feel we deserved another shot, and thirdly, if you get run over by a firetruck going 5 miles an hour... I say thats your ass.
So there we go.
Chat with you all tomorrow!
Mike
Please tell your friends and if you have questions or comments please don't hesitate to send them!
I will start by saying that I normally try to get my blog out in the early evening Toronto Time, or mid afternoon for those avid readers in the west. A part of me thinks i should write it at night and then just post it early in the morning so people can read it whenever they like... like a newspaper. I opted to say newspaper because i feel that my reader numbers sadly resemble those of the newspaper industry. Well... mine is low for a newspaper... not really for a blog. I have now said (including this one) newspaper 5 times. I think we should move on. The point of all that was to say that I am writing today's later than i normally do.
On November 3rd I met a performer named Michael O'hara (perhaps O'Hare). He sang a song at a cabaret that i went to and was just wonderful. Had a full tenor voice with great control. I think for me, singers that i really enjoy are ones that I can trust. I know they wont crack, i know they wont screw up and I can sit there and enjoy. He was an amazing singer, one of the best I have seen live. Great Broadway sound with being "Broadway. (for those non theatre folks, I know you dont know what that last sentence meant... but trust me, its a good thing and, also, all of the theatre people know EXACTLY what I mean). Anyway, after meeting him he told me about a show he had coming up on the 20th, which i decided I would go to. It was in a "club" in Toronto which, despite the websites description, turned out to actually be a restaurant. So if you didnt go early with friends to have dinner and then stay, well there was basically no seating available. I happened to snag a stool at the bar, but that leaded to the discomfort of the fact that the bar ran perpendicular to the stage, so everybody sitting there had to try and look over or beside the head of the person in front of them. This would have been a manageable task had the person in front of me not moved around like a crack head trying to combine watching the show, sipping his drink, and chatting loudly with his friends. By the time intermission came around I was so fed up and my butt was so sore that I said time to go.
SIDE STORY: One of the songs tonight was sung by a woman introduced as a Yiddish diva. She sang a holiday song and a peter paul and mary song, both in Yiddish. She was quite good. The woman beside me was chatting with her friends and informed them that Yiddish is actually a form of German (correct) and that it was invented my Jewish factory workers (incorrect) so that their German bosses wouldn't know what they are saying (SO FUCKING INCORRECT IT HURTS MY BODY) When you were a kid, after your parents taught you Pig Latin, did you ever use it to say bad shit about them forgetting that they taught it to you? Same thing. I wont go into what is wrong with what she said. Maybe she was getting it mixed up with the popular tale of the history of capoera. Who knows. But wow. The fact that she hasn't died while brushing her teeth in the morning astounds me. Just saying.
MORE JEWS: Welcome to my extra jewish content portion of todays blog. Now... since the beginning of my time on this earth, I have always liked jewish people. No reason not to! Im not jewish but my foreskin is so thats a close bond as well. Also, If you didnt laugh at that you shouldnt be reading this blog. Tonight I walked by a jewish soft-serve frozen yogurt shop. 10 flavors that change every week. Marshmallow, cookies n cream, candy cane, chocolate, etc etc etc. ALL LOW or NON FAT! once you have filled your cup to it's desired amount, you throw on any toppings you like and then they weigh it. And its affordable! Kosher Soft serve at its very finest. I adore this place and i... and my waist line... are thankful to live a good long distance away from it. But if i am ever near it, you can bet your sweet ass Im going in!
When you were a kid do you remember the Santa Claus parade being in November? Didnt it all just blur together so it seemed like a week before christmas? I grew up in Cranbrook BC and when I was young, my dad was an owner of a Nissan dealership and so i got to ride in the Nissan "float" one Christmas throwing candy canes from a snowmobile (how much more small town Canada can you get!) and apparently we werent throwing it far enough (ie to the sidewalks) and the producer told us that we couldnt throw candy anymore as she worried we wouldnt throw it far enough and kids would get caught under the wheels of the trucks. First off.. I was 6. secondly i felt we threw them far enough, and if we werent, i feel we deserved another shot, and thirdly, if you get run over by a firetruck going 5 miles an hour... I say thats your ass.
So there we go.
Chat with you all tomorrow!
Mike
Please tell your friends and if you have questions or comments please don't hesitate to send them!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
November 18 - Everybody Poops.... and wants to see Harry Potter
Hello,
Harry Potter is playing at only 1 movie theatre in Toronto. THAT'S IT! There are a million movie theatres, but one of the biggest movies in the world is only at one. Admittedly tomorrow it plays 19 times in one day, but STILL!
welcome to this blog. The blog that most adults don't want to talk about... that's right... poopin! So if you don't wanna know... walk away now.
I will admit something to you that i certainly don't want to. But I will. Because this blog is, for all intents and purposes, kind of a journal... and if you cant be honest in a journal... where can you be honest?
Last week while walking with some dear friends down a busy road I got the gurgle. Now as humans we all know what the horizontal gurgle means. Its your body saying, "We need to find a washroom, and you need to clear your schedule". This gurgle often happens after you've eaten something spicy or ethnic, or even just to much buttery popcorn. As adults, most of us are to ashamed to admit whats going on inside when another person hears your stomach make that announcement. I for one like to play it off as if Im quite hungry... but we all know.
Most people I know will go to extreme lengths to not let on that they have to, or in fact that they EVER do, poop. A dear friend of mine, who will remain nameless for now, and I shared a common bond about how we both have a special bathroom at work. One that is rarely used, sometimes on a different floor, where you can do what you have to at work in total anonymity.
On my first day of work at a large theatre in Victoria BC I was cleaning the bathrooms on my first shift only to find that a woman had in fact shit on the wall. Now I can only assume and hope that it wasn't intentional. But it looked as though somebody had hit the wall with a paint gun. A shot that hit with so much force that the outline of the handle could be clearly made out on the wall. My question is... was she okay? she MUST have stayed in the stall for the whole intermission. How could you leave? And if you did leave, your sense of pride and or shame would compel you to say SOMETHING to the next person... what would that even be? OOO, You might not want to go in there, I think the person before me must have shat on the wall!
When I was walking down the street with my friends last week and I felt the gurgle, my brain kicked into full gear. Like a T-1000 I started to calculate how close I was to home, how long it would take me to get there, what way i would take, and, more importantly, an educated guess on how long I had. My mind deduced that it would take me 10 minutes to walk home. It also calculated that the gurgle alarm would go off in 2 minutes. And also that there would be no chance of a snooze button. This lead to the sad realization that it would be the TINY public bathroom in the shopping mall across the street that would be the stage for my embarrassing opus.
To make a long story short, which it hasnt been, and to cut out all of the horrifically gory details, i will simply say that I am no longer welcome in that particular Korean shopping center.
Its at this time that i would like to extend a point of thanks to the makers of no-name brand pink stomach medication. When you purchase Imodium you tell the world and everybody in line at the drug store, THATS RIGHT! I have Diarrhea! But with Pepto-Bismal, you can keep the secret. PEPTO, KEEPING YOUR DIARRHEA... AND YOUR DIGNITY... IN GOOD HEALTH.
Thanks!
Mike
This is the last one I will do on this subject.
SIDE NOTE: Spell Check recommended Pesto-Dismal as a correction for Pepto-Bismal.
Harry Potter is playing at only 1 movie theatre in Toronto. THAT'S IT! There are a million movie theatres, but one of the biggest movies in the world is only at one. Admittedly tomorrow it plays 19 times in one day, but STILL!
welcome to this blog. The blog that most adults don't want to talk about... that's right... poopin! So if you don't wanna know... walk away now.
I will admit something to you that i certainly don't want to. But I will. Because this blog is, for all intents and purposes, kind of a journal... and if you cant be honest in a journal... where can you be honest?
Last week while walking with some dear friends down a busy road I got the gurgle. Now as humans we all know what the horizontal gurgle means. Its your body saying, "We need to find a washroom, and you need to clear your schedule". This gurgle often happens after you've eaten something spicy or ethnic, or even just to much buttery popcorn. As adults, most of us are to ashamed to admit whats going on inside when another person hears your stomach make that announcement. I for one like to play it off as if Im quite hungry... but we all know.
Most people I know will go to extreme lengths to not let on that they have to, or in fact that they EVER do, poop. A dear friend of mine, who will remain nameless for now, and I shared a common bond about how we both have a special bathroom at work. One that is rarely used, sometimes on a different floor, where you can do what you have to at work in total anonymity.
On my first day of work at a large theatre in Victoria BC I was cleaning the bathrooms on my first shift only to find that a woman had in fact shit on the wall. Now I can only assume and hope that it wasn't intentional. But it looked as though somebody had hit the wall with a paint gun. A shot that hit with so much force that the outline of the handle could be clearly made out on the wall. My question is... was she okay? she MUST have stayed in the stall for the whole intermission. How could you leave? And if you did leave, your sense of pride and or shame would compel you to say SOMETHING to the next person... what would that even be? OOO, You might not want to go in there, I think the person before me must have shat on the wall!
When I was walking down the street with my friends last week and I felt the gurgle, my brain kicked into full gear. Like a T-1000 I started to calculate how close I was to home, how long it would take me to get there, what way i would take, and, more importantly, an educated guess on how long I had. My mind deduced that it would take me 10 minutes to walk home. It also calculated that the gurgle alarm would go off in 2 minutes. And also that there would be no chance of a snooze button. This lead to the sad realization that it would be the TINY public bathroom in the shopping mall across the street that would be the stage for my embarrassing opus.
To make a long story short, which it hasnt been, and to cut out all of the horrifically gory details, i will simply say that I am no longer welcome in that particular Korean shopping center.
Its at this time that i would like to extend a point of thanks to the makers of no-name brand pink stomach medication. When you purchase Imodium you tell the world and everybody in line at the drug store, THATS RIGHT! I have Diarrhea! But with Pepto-Bismal, you can keep the secret. PEPTO, KEEPING YOUR DIARRHEA... AND YOUR DIGNITY... IN GOOD HEALTH.
Thanks!
Mike
This is the last one I will do on this subject.
SIDE NOTE: Spell Check recommended Pesto-Dismal as a correction for Pepto-Bismal.
Monday, November 15, 2010
November 15 - Something Sexy, God, and Weed
Hello fair few,
So it would appear that other than my "Mile High Club" not to many folks care about this particular blog. In fact since that wonderful day, blog views have been 1/10 of what they were. So today, November 15th, I am sad to tell the world that this blog, WILL CONTINUE FOREVER!
Welcome back! Even if nobody reads my blog it will still happen every day! But to those small few who do read it.. thank you! I appreciate it!
So here we are! I would just like to say that I feel my current roommates smoke alot of weed. Now I have never smoked weed (I KNOW! Its hard to believe, but it's true!), but most of my BC friends do, but I still feel like these guys smoke ALOT. Which isnt a bad thing at all. Just saying. So as I write today's blog I would like you to know that I may or may not have a contact high. Im really hungry... but I think that is the diet talking!
There is a castle here in this lovely town. A palatial estate called Casa Loma. Casa Loma took 300 mean nearly 3 years to complete. And in 1911 when the castle was finally built it came in at a cost of $3.5 million, which is a lot for the day. Now for those of you who don't have an inflation calculator I will let you know that that cost today would be roughly $60 million dollars. Which for a castle in downtown Toronto I gotta say... that's not bad!
Its at this time that I would like to drop an unpaid for product placement into this blog. For anybody travelling to Victoria BC at this time of year, or at any time of year, one of the best things to do is to go to Garricks Head Pub, sit by the fire, have a bite to eat and wash it down with an amazing Phillips Chocolate Porter. These people have paid me nothing to say this. I say it only because i have yet to find a truly amazing pub in Toronto, and GOSH I miss it. Im sure there are many! So if you know of one please dont hesitate to tell me about it.
This week I visit for the first time the Rivoli and Eton house to try and meet and greet some folks to get some stage time. I am very excited to say that a very important person has been invited to my show on December 8th here in town! Now I dont know if they will see it, or send some lackey, but none-the-less, the fact that this very influential person in the world of Canada wide comedy knows my name? Thats a good start for me. If they show up, I will tell you all about it.
And just before we finish class and I assign homework, i would like to talk about a people who just drive me mental. Born Again Christians. Now if you are a born again, this would be the time to log off now. One of my biggest characters that I do is a Scottish drag version of GOD. This character, created by myself and the wonderful Jacob Richmond, talks about religion, history, and life in a really logical and funny way. Because of this character I am often asked what my own view of god might be. Very simply I am not much of a believer. If these is something there I haven't seen much proof of it. Now I once talked to a pastor about this who said he wished he had so much faith to believe that this world was created by accident, but that he didn't. And I understand that. But peoples beliefs are their own. I love gospel music, and some of my closest friends are quite religious. Which is great! I have no preference for what you believe. Its all personal. But I have been so fortunate as to befriend a few people in my life who are born again Christians. These few people that i have known have steered so far off the path that its both shocking and embarrassing and then stubled hung over and used back into the forgiving bosom of the lord only to get up on a high horse and hurl their beliefs at others like lightening bolts.
Here is my thing. At the end of the day, if there is a god thats great. I have been honest about be beliefs and I try on an average day to treat people as best I can. I have respect and manors and, minus a small handful of people, dislike nobody. So at the end of the day, if there is a god, and he looks in his book of sins, do you think he will notice my occasional indiscretion or your lengthy bender of sex, drugs and booze that has now erased what you would lovingly call your 20's.
I love life and thats what gets me out of bed in the morning. If for you, its the love god or something else you believe in... then thats wonderful. Just don't judge anybody else for their beliefs.
That was ALOT longer than I had planned.
I will be less preachy from now on. And maybe soon I will tell you what caused that blurb.
Stay classy world.
M
Thanks for reading. Tell your friends!
So it would appear that other than my "Mile High Club" not to many folks care about this particular blog. In fact since that wonderful day, blog views have been 1/10 of what they were. So today, November 15th, I am sad to tell the world that this blog, WILL CONTINUE FOREVER!
Welcome back! Even if nobody reads my blog it will still happen every day! But to those small few who do read it.. thank you! I appreciate it!
So here we are! I would just like to say that I feel my current roommates smoke alot of weed. Now I have never smoked weed (I KNOW! Its hard to believe, but it's true!), but most of my BC friends do, but I still feel like these guys smoke ALOT. Which isnt a bad thing at all. Just saying. So as I write today's blog I would like you to know that I may or may not have a contact high. Im really hungry... but I think that is the diet talking!
There is a castle here in this lovely town. A palatial estate called Casa Loma. Casa Loma took 300 mean nearly 3 years to complete. And in 1911 when the castle was finally built it came in at a cost of $3.5 million, which is a lot for the day. Now for those of you who don't have an inflation calculator I will let you know that that cost today would be roughly $60 million dollars. Which for a castle in downtown Toronto I gotta say... that's not bad!
Its at this time that I would like to drop an unpaid for product placement into this blog. For anybody travelling to Victoria BC at this time of year, or at any time of year, one of the best things to do is to go to Garricks Head Pub, sit by the fire, have a bite to eat and wash it down with an amazing Phillips Chocolate Porter. These people have paid me nothing to say this. I say it only because i have yet to find a truly amazing pub in Toronto, and GOSH I miss it. Im sure there are many! So if you know of one please dont hesitate to tell me about it.
This week I visit for the first time the Rivoli and Eton house to try and meet and greet some folks to get some stage time. I am very excited to say that a very important person has been invited to my show on December 8th here in town! Now I dont know if they will see it, or send some lackey, but none-the-less, the fact that this very influential person in the world of Canada wide comedy knows my name? Thats a good start for me. If they show up, I will tell you all about it.
And just before we finish class and I assign homework, i would like to talk about a people who just drive me mental. Born Again Christians. Now if you are a born again, this would be the time to log off now. One of my biggest characters that I do is a Scottish drag version of GOD. This character, created by myself and the wonderful Jacob Richmond, talks about religion, history, and life in a really logical and funny way. Because of this character I am often asked what my own view of god might be. Very simply I am not much of a believer. If these is something there I haven't seen much proof of it. Now I once talked to a pastor about this who said he wished he had so much faith to believe that this world was created by accident, but that he didn't. And I understand that. But peoples beliefs are their own. I love gospel music, and some of my closest friends are quite religious. Which is great! I have no preference for what you believe. Its all personal. But I have been so fortunate as to befriend a few people in my life who are born again Christians. These few people that i have known have steered so far off the path that its both shocking and embarrassing and then stubled hung over and used back into the forgiving bosom of the lord only to get up on a high horse and hurl their beliefs at others like lightening bolts.
Here is my thing. At the end of the day, if there is a god thats great. I have been honest about be beliefs and I try on an average day to treat people as best I can. I have respect and manors and, minus a small handful of people, dislike nobody. So at the end of the day, if there is a god, and he looks in his book of sins, do you think he will notice my occasional indiscretion or your lengthy bender of sex, drugs and booze that has now erased what you would lovingly call your 20's.
I love life and thats what gets me out of bed in the morning. If for you, its the love god or something else you believe in... then thats wonderful. Just don't judge anybody else for their beliefs.
That was ALOT longer than I had planned.
I will be less preachy from now on. And maybe soon I will tell you what caused that blurb.
Stay classy world.
M
Thanks for reading. Tell your friends!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
November 11 - Lest We forget to Blog
So here we are. Day 2 of my toronto blog. Welcome back! Or welcome for the first time.
Something that is a huge difference between small town and big town is celebrities. Now in a small town its usually a local news anchor that you see in a coffee shop and whisper to your friends about, but here its actual famous people... just... hanging out. Last night I went and saw a show and before the show went in I got to meet and chat with Scott Thompson of Kids In The Hall fame. He was very nice. After the show I met Ron Sexsmith in the lobby and got to say hello. It was a strange night but still a lot of fun.
So since I have been here I have tried to meet with folks and say hi and in the most subtle was try and say PEOPLE THINK IM FUNNY!!! PLEASE LET ME INTO YOUR SHOWS!!! PLEASE!!! but in a to cool for school non begging kinda way. I went and saw the new Second City show and had a really good time. The show was a lot of fun and I enjoyed the actors. Second City is something I would love to be a part of, and who knows! Maybe someday I will. And by someday I mean I will audition for them as soon as I can and then hope.
Since i moved I thought it would be a great idea to maybe try and loose some weight. The body mass index says that i am "Morbidly Obese" which I think its a little un called for. I get that obese is unhealthy... you don't need to include morbidly. Also when I tell people that Im obese according to BMI they often say the same thing... oh! Did you include your height? DAMNIT! Thats what it was! I put that I was a 3 foot tall woman! No wonder! So before we go any further... YES. i do include my height. And for those ultra fans... my height is 6'7. Secret fact? On my acting resume it says im 6'4. Reason behind that? people can relate to 6'4. Ive noticed that people think i am as tall as the tallest person they know. OH! I have a nephew thats your height! What are you 5'11ish? No. Sorry. But when I tell people 6'7 they cant even imagine it. Thats taller than Michael Jordan. How would you look on screen? where would we find clothes to fit you? we would need a team just to get it all done!! AH I CANT HANDLE IT!!!! BOOM!
Back on topic.
Last night I went to go and get a salad from a pizza place. I asked the girl behind the counter if they came pre made or if they were made there. It became very clear very fast that he english was minimal and she had no idea what I was asking. After an ungodly amount of loud explanations and Pictionary, she said that they were made to order. I said GREAT! Then I shall have the greek salad with no red onion please. (Side note one: Red onion is disgusting. It ruins a salad and anything else it touches! Side note 2: a little behind the scenes action: when I was writing this blog, instead of no red onion please I put No vegetables by accident. If you order a salad with no vegetables thats just cheese and dressing my friend. get help) So she said no red onion would be no problem. I paid for my salad and she left to go make it. I watch her go to the walk in fridge, come out with a salad, put it on a table way in the back of the kitchen and start to pick out all of the red onion. IT CAME WITH ONIONS! I could have picked them out myself! I was just asking if I had the option to go without. Long story short... i make non english speaking women pick stuff out of my food for me. Its how I roll.
Just before I forget, I think porn teaches us some valuable life lessons. Most noticeable life lesson? Asian women should never go outside. Dont know what im talking about? Just look it up. Asian girl on a bus. Asian girl walking down street... it wont end well.
So this being my second blog, I think I should tell you folks that I have landed my first official Toronto gig. I will be performing with the National Theatre of the World in their improv show The Carnegie Hall Show on Dec 8. It should be good fun and one of my characters will make his Toronto debut.. which one? well you will have to read this blog on Dec 9!... or read my facebook or website any other time... damnit i should have thought that through
Tonight I am off to see a stand up comedy show. I am going to see if I can get on stage and do a set. I suppose you'll find out what happened.... NEXT TIME
Mike D!
Also please tell your friends about this blog. The more people who read or follow this the better. And again if you wanna say hi or have a comment or a question just send it on down. Speaking of which HELLO to the person who was first in line to my SOLD OUT show back in may. I said hello to some folks that were there really early. I went out to get food during sound check and people were sitting there. If you were them, then I remember you! And thanks for reading!
Something that is a huge difference between small town and big town is celebrities. Now in a small town its usually a local news anchor that you see in a coffee shop and whisper to your friends about, but here its actual famous people... just... hanging out. Last night I went and saw a show and before the show went in I got to meet and chat with Scott Thompson of Kids In The Hall fame. He was very nice. After the show I met Ron Sexsmith in the lobby and got to say hello. It was a strange night but still a lot of fun.
So since I have been here I have tried to meet with folks and say hi and in the most subtle was try and say PEOPLE THINK IM FUNNY!!! PLEASE LET ME INTO YOUR SHOWS!!! PLEASE!!! but in a to cool for school non begging kinda way. I went and saw the new Second City show and had a really good time. The show was a lot of fun and I enjoyed the actors. Second City is something I would love to be a part of, and who knows! Maybe someday I will. And by someday I mean I will audition for them as soon as I can and then hope.
Since i moved I thought it would be a great idea to maybe try and loose some weight. The body mass index says that i am "Morbidly Obese" which I think its a little un called for. I get that obese is unhealthy... you don't need to include morbidly. Also when I tell people that Im obese according to BMI they often say the same thing... oh! Did you include your height? DAMNIT! Thats what it was! I put that I was a 3 foot tall woman! No wonder! So before we go any further... YES. i do include my height. And for those ultra fans... my height is 6'7. Secret fact? On my acting resume it says im 6'4. Reason behind that? people can relate to 6'4. Ive noticed that people think i am as tall as the tallest person they know. OH! I have a nephew thats your height! What are you 5'11ish? No. Sorry. But when I tell people 6'7 they cant even imagine it. Thats taller than Michael Jordan. How would you look on screen? where would we find clothes to fit you? we would need a team just to get it all done!! AH I CANT HANDLE IT!!!! BOOM!
Back on topic.
Last night I went to go and get a salad from a pizza place. I asked the girl behind the counter if they came pre made or if they were made there. It became very clear very fast that he english was minimal and she had no idea what I was asking. After an ungodly amount of loud explanations and Pictionary, she said that they were made to order. I said GREAT! Then I shall have the greek salad with no red onion please. (Side note one: Red onion is disgusting. It ruins a salad and anything else it touches! Side note 2: a little behind the scenes action: when I was writing this blog, instead of no red onion please I put No vegetables by accident. If you order a salad with no vegetables thats just cheese and dressing my friend. get help) So she said no red onion would be no problem. I paid for my salad and she left to go make it. I watch her go to the walk in fridge, come out with a salad, put it on a table way in the back of the kitchen and start to pick out all of the red onion. IT CAME WITH ONIONS! I could have picked them out myself! I was just asking if I had the option to go without. Long story short... i make non english speaking women pick stuff out of my food for me. Its how I roll.
Just before I forget, I think porn teaches us some valuable life lessons. Most noticeable life lesson? Asian women should never go outside. Dont know what im talking about? Just look it up. Asian girl on a bus. Asian girl walking down street... it wont end well.
So this being my second blog, I think I should tell you folks that I have landed my first official Toronto gig. I will be performing with the National Theatre of the World in their improv show The Carnegie Hall Show on Dec 8. It should be good fun and one of my characters will make his Toronto debut.. which one? well you will have to read this blog on Dec 9!... or read my facebook or website any other time... damnit i should have thought that through
Tonight I am off to see a stand up comedy show. I am going to see if I can get on stage and do a set. I suppose you'll find out what happened.... NEXT TIME
Mike D!
Also please tell your friends about this blog. The more people who read or follow this the better. And again if you wanna say hi or have a comment or a question just send it on down. Speaking of which HELLO to the person who was first in line to my SOLD OUT show back in may. I said hello to some folks that were there really early. I went out to get food during sound check and people were sitting there. If you were them, then I remember you! And thanks for reading!
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