Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dance like you have to

I haven't posted on here in a very long time. From the look of things its been 8 months. Thats a long time not to chat to my non existent online readers. Its been an odd 8 months. I wrote a show that I have now taken to the Montreal Fringe. I have only ever been to Montreal once before so it has been an eye opening experience. The staff here has made this city so welcoming and has been such a great help in getting the word about my show out to a city of people that I don't know. So far I have yet to have good Poutine. 2 strikes so far montreal! I think a lot of comedic performers share the same experience with me in that your on-stage persona is far more confident than your off stage reality and so when you meet people they are often surprised, and I often fear disappointed, that you aren't that balls to the wall 24/7 funny person. The idea of handing out my flyers to people and trying to pitch my show to strangers honestly scares the crap out of me haha. People of Montreal seem to be enjoying the show. I have had record crowds and wonderful reviews. This is not the festival the I was prepped for. Everybody said the audiences would be low but that I would have fun. I have seen many shows, Tinfoil Dinosaur being one of them that I think are better than mine so I don't understand why more people are seeing my show than his. I loved his show. I appreciate sincere sweet honesty and Sam Mullins has it in spades. Plus he's handsome, charming, and funny. Cant beat that. AND the guy can make a dinosaur out of tinfoil. Skills people! SKILLS Anybody who knows me will already know that my mom, June, passed away unexpectedly in November of last year and that it has been a bit of a hard time. I am a self admitted mama's boy and so it hit me fairly hard. Since the day that it happened I haven't cried over it. Ive wanted to several times but my body just doesn't. People always ask how I'm doing and honestly I'm okay and the moments that are bad I don't see coming. It took me a bit to get over landing in a new city and not calling her to tell her i got in okay. It took me a bit to get over not seeing her at the back of the theatre. What hits the most is what she will miss. Im sad when I think that she won't see me have children or become a dad. And that my children won't have her in their lives. My mother was no queen, but she was a good mother. I think most importantly she was my friend. I understood that she was a real person from pretty early on. A person with flaws and strengths just like anybody. She had a wonderful combo of fragility as a woman and a person mixed with the unending strength of a mother. When I left the hospital in the late hours of November 18th I knew that I would never see her again. I let her know that it would be okay and that we would be okay with out her and she didn't need to worry. I talked to my mother and held her hand. I didn't cry and I wasn't over whelmed with emotion. I thanked her for everything. I don't think that I have become much of a man but any good qualities I have, I have because of her. She raised me on her own and I couldn't be more grateful. When we left the hospital and I got in the car I cried. Not because I would lose my mother and my friend but because I wish that she had done everything she had wanted to. I wished that she had written her play she always wanted to. I wish that she had travelled to the places that she wanted to and I wish that she hadn't been so afraid. I have always been afraid of things. Afraid to ride a roller coaster, afraid to dance, afraid to put myself in front of a new crowd in a new city because hey... they might not like me that much. Well this city does. And I have recently discovered that roller coasters are amazing! If I can take anything away from how I felt that night 8 months ago its that when you are done, there is no time to go back and fix things before you go. So its time to not be afraid anymore, its time to take the risk, its time to see the world, and even though it makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little... I think its about time to start dancing.