Thursday, October 20, 2011

October 20 - Whistle Down The WInd

Hello blog,

Today I am writing out of boredom. I stopped writing on this blog a while ago because I was writing a show, and turns out I cant think of separate funny things at one time. So here we are. I am weeks away from my one year anniversary of moving to Toronto. Its been nice. I have really enjoyed living here. As I have said before, I dont love it in Toronto, but its where I live right now.

I went down to buy tickets to Rigoletto for tonight and the guy in line in front of me was reading the bible. I dont know if its because of my atheistic beliefs that it seemed strange, but isnt it kinda odd? I mean... is that something you read in public now? I always kind of assumed it was like Playboy. You have a copy your dad gave you, you keep it by your bed, and every once in a while you pull it out for a read to feel something on the inside. no? Im not saying bibles need to be sold in a paper bags from poorly lit stores that are open 24 hours. Technically Im not saying anything i suppose... just expressing a feeling. To me reading the bible in public is like paying to take a mechanics course on how to fix a cloud car powered by rainbows... it costs you a bit of money, takes up a bit of time, and at the end... nobody cares what you have learned.

I am planning to tour next year. It should be fun. Right now its waiting to find out if i got into the festivals. I will know most of them by the end of the year, but its so frustrating to apply and then wait. I cant plan my next year, i have to live in a limbo zone of maybe and hope. Its no fun, but if it goes well, then i suppose limbo was a good place to be. I wrote a one man show called "God Is A Scottish Drag Queen". I premiered it just this summer and it got some great reviews and some good reactions. Something that I always get a giggle out of is how impressed people are by the 'improv' nature of the show. The show is written. Rarely do i go off script but the idea is to make it appear that I am. I always feel like when you go see a comedy show you want to feel that you are the first person to hear those jokes and that its not Material and planned out. I do leave a portion of the show open to improv, but its great when folks think the whole thing is. A few summers ago I did a show called War Of 1812 which is 95% written, but with 4 comics you always have that small margin for extra. It use to make one of the writers so mad when reviews would say OH WOW ITS SO GREAT THAT THEY IMPROV THIS. I always thought it was cute. Wow. I am rambling away.

I dont think I have much more to say. I just thought it would be fun. OH! a girl that is in the same room as me is whistling. Whistling is very abrasive. Its like coming into a room and saying STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I HAVE A DITTY! You cant do anything while somebody whistles. You cant focus, you cant watch tv, listen to music, read a book. Just listen to them. And its never a good song! YES I LIKE PINA COLADAS! NO I DONT LIKE THEM WHISTLED OFF KEY! Ever talk to somebody and their nose is whistling and they dont know it? I find when that happens all I do is just stare aimlessly at their nose. As if my glare will somehow force free the poorly angled booger that is making this person a life size penny whistle.

I am clearly just talking about nothing now

Good day.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

July 6 - Hello Old Friend

So Its been a while my dear internet friends.

I have not blogged in almost 5 months.

When I stopped several months ago, I was in the middle of writing a solo comedy show. I found it hard to put together, and i discovered that when I wasnt trying to be funny on here, I had more jokes and energy to put into the show.

I did the show in May of this year, and it went okay. I am often never really that happy with my shows or my performances. I dont know if its being a perfectionist or if its just the life of a comic who listens to the crowd and says, OH! That joke can be better... oh that punchline needs to come earlier etc etc etc. Always growing always changing and in order to do that I guess I am more critical that I sometimes should be. I had fun though. I got to go back to Victoria BC for the show and perform in front of my favorite audience.

While I felt I needed to move away, I know that I will take any opportunity to return home. I love victoria. Im happy that I will get to go back with my all new and improved show. The goal is to take it on the road next year so I have tightened the show. Added some New moments, added some old, and subtracted the dull and the ramble. I think its better for it.

Since we last chatted I have Been to victoria, Quit a job, gotten a new job, and visited the wonderful city of New York for the very first time. Have you ever been some place before that the moment you arrive it is everything you had thought that it would be? All of Italy was like that for me. Especially Rome. And now NYC is as well. Exactly as I thought it would be. I will be honest and say that if the opportunity arose to ever live there I dont know if I could pack my bags fast enough.

So right now I am sitting in bed, my air conditioner blasting away, and starting my blog again. I have no idea if I will keep on with it. I can guarantee that I wont do it every day, but I do like to do it. Its a place where I can be very honest. Even if its just to strangers.

Thanks for reading and I promise I will blog again!... at somepoint.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Mellow Yellow... QUITE RIGHT

Can I just ask why people still follow the "if its yellow, let it mellow"? philosophy? I have never understood it. I mean... i GET it. Save water etc etc etc. But in a world of low flow toilets, why do people still do it? The thing i enjoy is, you are never surprised when a household does it. I have never been to a mansion or nice condo and seen that happen. Thats not the type... but I think we all know that if you are in a house that composts or saves coffee grounds... RED FLAG! There is a chance you may see an Oh Henry in Lemonade.

A good friend of mine plays a hippy and "earthy" character and his best line is "If its yellow, let it mellow. If its brown, scoop it up with your hands and put it in the compost". It always makes me laugh extremely hard.

I always forget about things to write about when I actually sit down to write. Every day I think and see things that I think.... OOO I should put that in my blog. I should get myself a little pad of paper or something. I would likely forget it at home. Thats how I work. Even with that, I dont understand the odd phrases like "If your head wasnt attached you'd loose it"... really? I doubt it! "If you were going any slower you would be going backwards" THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE! You would stop.

I have been writing my new one man show and its going well. Cutting out bits, fixing some. etc etc. Its nice to work on it. Nothing like a 60 minute rant about whatever i like. Its as if its a dream come true. And I have news about that show but I wont be sharing it until this weekend. Why? You will see! CALM DOWN! RELAX!

I have a couch! thats exciting! Its black! Its actually a futon. but it means I dont need to sit on the floor like a hobo! Now I get to sit... i dunno... 8inches? Though lets be honest.... if a man estimates it at 8 inches it's likely closer to 4. lets be honest... Im sitting on the floor

I will end with this. Christina Aguilera sang the american national anthem at the super bowl. And got the words wrong... in front of 150 million americans... what was the worst thing that happened to you yesterday?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

February 2 - Im Baaaaaack.

Hello folks! Have you missed me? I hope so! Welcome back and Im sorry to have been an absentee landlord. If i am gone, who will take up the torch to talk about mundane things in a slightly amusing manor? Probably any college age person who things what they say is gold... but dont tell them I said that. Not that it matters, they are likely to high to write anything worth reading.

So Im back. Why did I leave? Well I had a bit of a crisis of faith I suppose. As I have not been seeking much performing work and not missing it, I wondered if I should even bother. If I dont have the thirst for it... why should I? And If I dont want to act, then why do I have a blog about an actor trying to make it in Toronto. And Then I said two things. 1) Shut up and audition for something, and 2) When was the last time I said anything in this blog about acting? Anybody? Yea... I dont remember either!

Also in the past few days it has been non-stop since producing Amy's now hit song "Nerdy Girls Need Love Too". Today alone it went up 28,000 views on youtube and I couldn't be happier. Many people have asked if I am upset that amy's video has gotten so many more views than mine, and I am really not! I mean, YES I cry... but thats because I have dust in my eye... every time I watch youtube...


But in reality I couldnt be happier! I produced, directed, and edited the video and the fact that I was able to offer a vehicle to amy's voice, guitar playing, and oh so pretty looks, is A-OKAY by me.

Tonight, Amy and I took ourselves to see the new Toronto production of "BILLY ELLIOT". Its a wonderful musical and a solid and entertaining production. The young boy who played Billy tonight was a real talent and got a deserving standing ovation. It didnt make me want to dance, and I didnt leave humming any of the songs from Elton Johns score, but I still had some laughs, some tears, and at the end of the day... I was standing with everybody else. AND... because Toronto is in the middle of a storm warning, lots of folks didnt show up so we went from okay seats to AMAZING seats. Bonus! Like it was meant to be.

Ever had a bad cupcake? Isnt that disappointing? And I mean just REALLY sad!? Not... small puppy with hiccups, but just bad day sad. There was a short lived place across from my last place of work that tasted terrible. How do you do that? Why would start a business if the only thing you sell is garbage!? Its why you dont see a lot of post-tornado motor homes for sale. Thats not a fixer-upper... thats a chuck it outer.

I am currently eating what I feel to be the best ice cream in the world. WE ARE WAFFLING by the good folks at Ben & Jerry. Its my favorite ice cream and I really like that in french it translates to "we are undecided". Good times

Thanks for reading.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

January 29 - Col Mustard Gas, on the subway, with a bomb!

We have now done so much, for so long, with so little, that we can now do anything with nothing.

That motto is above the door at a small and perfect breakfast restaurant in Victoria, BC. I love it. I like places that serve a good breakfast! Not crap, not expensive. Just good food at a good price. Cabin 12 gets my vote. Partially because of that quote, in part because of the food, and in part because the owner is from my hometown.

Right now I am laying in bed and listening to Taylor Mac. For those who dont know, Taylor Mac is an entertainer and a drag queen from New York. A few years ago I had the pleasure of meeting him and watching him perform. I loved his show and his voice. Wonderful music and a terrific and unique talents. He sings a song called "Fear Itself" which I think is a wonderful anthem for the world right now, and he has an epic song called "The Palace Of The End". Its a fictitious love story between Lynne Cheyney and Sadam Hussein, amongst other things. If you have any interest in it YouTube Taylor Mac sings The Palace of the end. Its not for everybody, but to those who get it, well enjoy!

I have been listening to a lot of music lately. Another singer I have been listening to is Curtis Eller. Curtis Eller is a modern banjo player straight out of the turn of the last century. I know that doesnt make much sense, but once you listen to his music it will be a very fitting description.

Other than those two fairly unknown performers I have also been listening a lot of "Mumford and Sons". I have been fans of theirs for a while now, and I dont know if its because I am writing a show about god, but their whole album is religious. I had no idea. Are they a christian band at all? Most of their lyrics arent even very subtle about it. The music and the lyrics are wonderful, so I have no plans to stop listening, I just found it interesting once I started to notice.

Okay. enough of this music chat. Time to get disgusting. If you have a high opinion about me, please cut your losses and thanks for reading. I was on the subway today, and without going into a lot of detail... my tummy was not feeling well. As our silver rocket rounded the corner aching its way to the St George station, I took the opportunity to let out the smallest bit of gas. What I didnt know, and could never predict, is what putrid cloud would emanate from my poor decision. At 5pm, on a packed subway train full of people coming home from work, my ass began a chemical war from which there would be no survivors. Fortunately for me, the direction and source of the attack could not be discovered. And then it happened. A moment of sheer comedy and opportunity. The woman across the train from me picked up her little baby from its stroller and smelled her bum. Thats right, a mother worried that her child had caused this horrific moment in the day of the good people of toronto. And the shame of opportunity knocked. My scape goat would be in the form of a small helpless child in booties with no help of defending itself. When the mother placed the child back in the stroller, I glared at it with distain! After a few moments I lifted my newspaper to my face but not before releasing an audible "tsk tsk tsk". When I lowered my paper moments later to turn the page, I saw that my fellow transit patrons were all glaring in the direction of the child. As I sat their my body readied itself for another attack. Silent and swift it came, causing destruction to the simple townsfolk around. In a moment of sheer genius, i glared at the baby, stood up, and walked away. I have committed an act of terrorism. And I let a baby go to prison for it.

I do feel much better now though!

Thanks for reading!

Friday, January 28, 2011

January 28 - Stimulate Your Senses

Im sitting in my living room (on the floor) and watching a bit of TV. Have you seen the ad for "5" gum? a futuristic setting where a person is brought, via elevator, to a platform and then in the huge dome ink is sprayed into the air like mercury. It forms shapes and designs and then at the end it said "5 Gum, stimulate your senses! Experiences may Vary". REALLY? REALLY? I don't think that is the case friend! Has anybody had a different experience with gum? You pop it in your mouth and think "Mmm minty"... or... pina colada or whatever the flavor. it should say "5 Gum, Stimulate your senses! Experiences will be nothing like this because its a STICK OF FUCKING GUM! ITS NOT ECSTASY! You haven't dropped Acid! You got this cause your breathe smells like Coffee and last nights tequila.

I like the term Dropping Acid. I think its amazing that you would name it after something terrible. No scientist has ever dropped acid and said THAT WAS AMAZING! I wish I could have that much pain and panic in tab form!

Right now I can hear the couple in the apartment below me fooling around. I dont even find it sexy! Whenever I hear that in an apartment I just think... what are they doing to make that noise? They must be on a couch or something... hmmm. Then I get bored or see something shiny so my voyeuristic side is minimal in that regard i suppose.

I was living with a girl in 2005 and we actually got a sex COMPLAINT! My building manager who was a great guy named Greg, didn't really have the heart to tell me directly. We complained all the time about the girls who lived below us because they would sing Karaoke at 3am on a tuesday, they would blast music all the time... usually it was Disney or Broadway so i didn't actually mind unless it woke me up. One day they were walking to their car and yelled at my window that I had picked a fight with the wrong girls! So I called the manager and said they had uttered a threat. They got kicked out! YEA! THATS HOW I PLAY THIS GAME! Anyway, they thought they would fight back and return the complaint that they could hear us having sex. My retort was "Im sorry that once a week I make you feel uncomfortable for 4 minutes." My girlfriend didn't find that funny, but I found it hilarious! Experiences may vary I guess. Im just kidding about the 4 minute thing too by the way. What am I a stallion? 4 minutes? Yea right! Like I could ever do it 3 times in a row.

My mom doesn't like it when I talk down about myself. She doesn't care for my self depreciating humor. When I say I'm fat she says Dont say you're fat! When I say Im a liar she says dont say you're a liar. When I say Im a giant she says dont say you're a giant! I cant wait for the awkward conversation about that last paragraph. OH MICHAEL! DONT SAY THOSE THINGS! WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE A LENGTHY AND GIVING LOVER!

Is this not the strangest blog entry ever?

I think im gonna end it there! Why not? Lets keep it awkward for everybody! Thanks for reading!

January 27 - I am Oprahs half brother.

Amy and I decided that we should get cable. Why not right? who doesnt like a little TV? The only problem is that we basically only watch 2 channels! Comedy Network and the Food Network are basically the only things on in our place. I think because of that it works out to about $35 a channel for a month of TV! Either we should watch more or less! GOD i love Food Network though! So good! I cant make anything that they make but I am oh so happy to watch!

So at a late hour last night our YouTube video "Nerdy Girls Need Love Too" hit 1,000 hits, which is exciting. It had been up for only 4 days, so thats fun. Tonight at a late hour it hit 2,000! Good times had by all. Its nice to see something you are proud of is being enjoyed be total strangers. People are even buying the MP3! I suppose it just goes to show if you use a pretty girl to sell a product to a bunch of nerdy folks with lots of disposable income... things can shine... and I GUESS she might be really good at what she does.

There is a guy on YouTube right now and he has a video of him basically just talking. Its funny and entertaining, but the reason I mention it is this. For those who dont know, Oprah just announced that she has a half sister. Something that made me laugh is that at no point did this woman say HOLY SHIT MY SISTER IS THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD! Thats like somebody telling you that OH! By the by... your uncle is Bill Gates. ANYWAY. So this guy on youtube called his video "Oprahs Sister" and even has her face in the thumbnail. When You watch it, you realize 2 seconds in that its not Oprah or her sister. This guy, when last I checked had more than a quarter of a million hits. Cheating move... but still kinda clever.

So I have decided to look for a fantastic Cannoli. I havent had a good Cannoli since italy. I had a TERRIBLE one yesterday. Im not even a snob for them. My first one was in a cafe in the town of Assisi. I ate it and said... OH.. I see! And have looked for one as good ever since. The rest are soft and lame. What is the deal, why is italy so much better at fatty foods? Wanna know the best Gelato I've ever had? At a TRUCK STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF CENTRAL ITALY! How is that possible? How can the best Gelato place in this country be bested by a road side truck stop? I thought the only thing you were supposed to get from those places is Herpes and regret... not world class ice cream.

I love seeing friends of mine in commercials! Right now my friend Ryan is in the A&W ads and when the Helium one comes on I just drop what Im doing. Other than that my friends Naomi and Matt are in the new Kraft four cheese commercial where the husband romantically starts speaking italian to his wife. Its a great commercial. Sure, I would like to be in a commercial at some point, but gosh I love watching funny friends in them! So entertaining.

Anyway, I work early in the morning to it is time for me to say good night to you all! Thanks so much for reading and I will talk to you again soon!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

January 26 - The N Word

On my way to work today I had that certain craving. I dont get it very often anymore. When I was a teenager i got the craving everyday! If i didnt do it once a day, it was rare. I am of course talking about fast food. On my way to work today, craving a burger and fries I stopped into burger king and quenched my meaty thirst. Even though this will have been edited by the time you have read it... i kept in "meaty thirst" even though I am both disgusted and filled with regret for saying it. I had my burger and fries and couldnt have been happier. That is... until my body did inventory and saw what the last shipment was. I spent the rest of the day in detention. This detention being horrifically painful gas. And painful because it stayed inside like a hermit! No escaping! So i got to spend a day at work, crampy and unhappy. I felt as though my period finally come. I may have been uncomfortable... but at least now I am truly a woman.

Speaking of lady time, I was recently talking to somebody (a woman) about their first period. Its not something that guys experience and I always like to hear the story of the first time. 90% of the time they are either terrifying or wonderfully funny. Unlike most guys, it doesnt make me squeamish in the slightest. One girl told me that when she first got hers, she didnt know what it was, and calmly walked into the kitchen and asked her mom to take her to the hospital. When she was asked why, she solemnly looked her parents in the eyes and said "Im dying". Another girl told her mom and that night they had a cake. I got a cake when I grew my first pube. Well, I didnt grow it. Its not a vegetable. So I suppose the proper thing to say is, I celebrated with a cake when a pube first appeared. It was a special day. I'll never forget that day! January 21, 2011.

Does anybody else worry that when they fart in really cold weather, people will see the steam like when you exhale?

Todays blog is brought to you by "The random shit in mike's head". Its a worthless foundation, that only serves to confuse and annoy the masses, but they are the only ones that would put money into this show.

I heard a phrase shouted yesterday that, had I not been paying attention, would have not noticed. "YOU HOMOPHOBIC FAGGOT!" was yelled from the mouth of a gay man to the ears of a straight man. I dont even understand how that works. How can you be a homophobic faggot? Or is that the new phrase for Low Self-esteem? It made no sense! Whats next? YOU RACIST NIGGER! I think if we are going to yell bigoted and ignorant things, they should also serve to confuse and bewilder.

So tomorrow i partially start a cleanse. I say partially because lets be honest people... if you know a 300 pound 6 foot 7 man and then take away his food, make him drink lemon, cayenne, and maple syrup, AND give him diarrhea? Oh yea... thats an excellent idea! Thats good. Cause of all the emotions you want to come out of an extremely large person, rage is at the top of that list yea? Im still gonna do it. This should be a good 10 days.

So Its 6am. I have spent the night... doing nothing really. Working on amy's videos and such. Its been a good night. Again, if you havent yet, please do check out her video on youtube. "Nerdy Girls Need Love Too", Im proud of it, and its a lot of fun.

Thanks for reading todays rant, and I will talk to you soon!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

January 25 - Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

How do people who make dull entertainment keep getting work? I dont understand! Hollywood seems so strange, in that they seem to give people money who dont really deserve it! Why give a poor actor or director the helm of a multi million dollar investment, when all he or she has done has bombed? I dont understand it. If you were an investment banker and all you did was loose people money, the chances they would keep giving you money seems less likely. Are these studio's upset when the film looses money? Do they care? At a price tag of $40 Million, "Season of the Witch" brought in only $4.3 million in its opening weekend. Thats about half of Nicolas Cage's rumored pay cheque. Do they care? Seems like they should or would. I havent seen that movie, and it would appear, like most people, I have no plans to. With the flop, will Cage still get film roles? Yep. He currently has 4 films in the can, is filming the second Ghost Rider film, and has another movie lined up after that. Flip the coin and take a look at Sacha Baron Cohen star of 2006 BORAT. Borat cost $18 million, and pulled in almost a quarter billion worldwide. What has he done since? Not a whole lot! Bruno, Sweeney Todd... and thats about it! He has a role in the new Scorsese film, and then a movie after that, but not more. Bruno made double what it cost which is still fantastic! Ignoring his talent, and bruno, a borat profit of more than $230 Million seems like it should be enough to cast you for a while.

Everybody wants what I like to call the Blair Witch Effect. Blair witch, with everything included, came in at a budget under $750,000, and earned just shy of a quarter of a billion dollars. Who doesnt want that? Thats like investing $0.75 and then getting $25 back. Thats called stupid money.

I guess what got me on to this whole, long winded and dull topic was that tonight Amy and I saw "The Way Back". The way back tells the story of a group of men in a Siberian labour camp escaping and trying to find their way south to Mongolia. The film is inspired by true events of three men who actually did manage to escape and walk more than 4,000km of forest, desert and the himalayan mountains to reach their freedom. A story of three men, would have been wonderful to watch. This film, which was directed by Peter Weir, tried to express the struggle and seemingly unending exhaustion of this group of people. Its hard to do exhaustion on screen and not let the energy lag for an audience. (We all remember The Two Towers now dont we) For those who don't know Peter Weirs work, he is the director behind Dead Poets Society and Truman Show. Both wonderful films. He is also the director of Master and Commander, the lengthy, slow, and epic sea tale starring Russel Crowe. I am sad to say that The Way Back is more like the latter film. Long, slow, and never ending. The main problem for me is that I felt the film kept changing its story. All of a sudden something is said and you are in for yet another 20 un wanted minutes.

Admittedly I have never directed or acted in a film, and this director has done a lifetime of work more than me, but I really didnt enjoy this film. I was un engaged from the start.

Amy's youtube video "Nerdy Girls Need Love Too" which I am happy to be the producer of is steadily climbing in viewers! Its a wonderful song and a cute video and if you havent watched I suggest you pop over to youtube for 3 minutes and enjoy some nerd time.

Why are people assholes? I mean that both specifically and in general. Why are we, AND YOU, as a people, assholes? We all are. Think you arent? Ever gotten in a fight with somebody and said something just to hurt the other person? ASSHOLE! All day long today at work, people were so mean! Why? Im trying to sell you tickets! Im sorry that the best seats are more expensive! Im sorry that you chose to call 3 months after tickets had gone on sale AND a month after CHRISTMAS, and seem to be angry and surprised there are no good seats left for you and your 6 friends to see a musical. PSA time! Dont be an asshole to somebody that is trying to help you! Dont snap your fingers at a waitress, dont talk down to the people making your latte, and dont yell at the guy trying to get you nice seats at a fair price! If you do i promise there will be fart on your food, spit in your coffee, and you will enjoy Les Mis from the corner seat in the top balcony. If you arent nice to the slaves who row the boat we will paddle this bitch into the rocks.

Thanks for reading!

Monday, January 24, 2011

January 24 - LICK IT!

Why hello! thank you so much for joining me for my blog! Chances are you stumbled upon it because of some tag word that popped up in a google search. Thanks for stumbling upon me! I wont be offended if you leave. If you choose to stay... read my first blog so you have some idea of what's going on. If you don't want to read it I will simply say that I am a slim, wealthy and successful actor living in Toronto.

Moving on.

If you want to see a fun and entertaining video please YouTube "Nerdy Girls Need Love Too". Its a video and a single that I produced featuring a charming and talented young lady named Amy Lee Radigan. (dont tell her grandma but she lives with me in sin) It's a cute video about Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr Who and all things nerdy. Worth a watch. Please enjoy!

So here we are. A temperature dropping as low as minus 20! Do you know what I really love to do when it's -20? NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING! At -20 NOT including wind chill even your Jeans hurt! YES I am aware that there are places in the world that are colder and more difficult, but I dont care. Am I there? no! Are you there? Maybe! And if you are, and its that cold, you are obviously inside on your computer! So SHUSH! I hate cold! It burns! How fair is that? Its not! How is it possible that it BURNS! Walking from the subway the other morning it felt like somebody called my name and when I turned to look they spanked me in the face with a baking sheet! Just solid pain! You get inside a door and all of a sudden you realize you havent blinked in 20 minutes.

Today I was having a conversation about sticking your tongue to metal in the cold. I have vivid memories of being in play school and kids, every winter, sticking their tongues to the fences and getting them stuck. Teachers would come out with a jug of warm water and pour it oh so gently and the panicked young child would fall free from their frozen prison. If the child was brave enough, and by brave I mean STUPID enough, they would pull themselves off the fence, ripping anything attached. Knowing all of this, did we as children stay away from the fence? Nope! Most of us tried to get the other kids to do it. I can remember plenty of times that I tried to trick a boy into getting stuck to a fence. NO! OF COURSE YOU DONT GET STUCK! THATS AN OLD WIVES TALE! OF COURSE I HAVE DONE IT! I DIDNT GET STUCK! WHY WONT I DO IT? CAUSE I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE! IF YOU ARE TOO AFRAID YOU DONT NEED TO! NO ITS OKAY! WE CAN JUST TELL PEOPLE YOU WERE AFRAID. ITS ALL GOOD!.... Aaaaaaand STUCK. Gold! Solid gold!

Regrets? Not a one.

Tonight after I got off work, Amy and I celebrated her getting a new job! Employment! Finally! We went to a little hole in the wall pub that had an amazing selection of beer. Really great and enjoyable place. I hadnt been to a pub in town yet and it was wonderful. I have lots of friends who love to go to bars and dance. Some like to do house parties. A small select few like to enjoy erotic entertainment. I like to sit in a pub and drink beer. If i can get affordable beer and a wood burning fire, well you have a happy man. But i will take a good beer at the very least.

Its getting to that point that I should probably pack it in. I have rambled long enough. As you have probably notice by now, some of my blogs are good, some are dull, and some are total crap. Sorry about this one.

Thanks for reading!!

January 23 - One AMAZING blog for Three, Low, Easy, Monthly Payments

I don't have a couch. I would like a couch. Im tired of sitting on the floor! No furniture. A TV and a bed. That's all! This would be fantastic if I lived in a dorm but sitting on the floor as an employed adult has lost its charm! If I don't find a second job soon and get some more money so I can afford things to sit on then I will either have to purchase a tee-pee or tatami mats. I would rather people think I was embracing Native and Japanese culture than just lazy and poor.

Toronto is full of flakes. I realize that everybody has their moments, I know I certainly do, but it seems this city has a great concentration of flakes. People go out of their way to commit to little things all the time and just NEVER pull through! Its lame! Why the odd lies? Why odd little lies? Did we NOT read the blog about lying?

About a 6 weeks ago I asked my boss if I should be looking to get a second job. We are hitting a slow time and everybody had been telling me how little the hours would be. When I asked him if I should grab another job so I would be able to pay for all of those silly things in my life like clothes, food, and heat, he said no. My hours have been cut. I went from 40 hours down to 30. That's no much I suppose, only 10 hours. But when you consider that its 25% of my pay cheque it makes it rough. This time a month ago I was working at least 55 hours a week. Now... when I say im poor I mean that I have a TV and a bed. I still make rent, I still eat to much, and I am still okay... It just means there isnt room for a lot else. Sadly my movie addiction is having to go cold turkey until February 11. Once that pay cheque clears it will be THE ALL MOVIE EXTRAVAGANZA!

While I am a nobody, there are still 2000 people a month who read this blog, so I figure I will give a should out and a suggestion. I would like you all to either myspace or youtube Colleen Eccleston. I have spoken about her before. Collen, her brother Kelt, our friend Danette and I all worked together at the BC museum together almost 3 years ago, performing a christmas show. Colleen has just released a solo CD and it is worth a listen. She is a quiet, unassuming and stunningly talented person who deserves so much more success than she has had. The fact that she is not a household name in the world of folk and celtic music is amazing. She has a unique and stunning voice and is worth a listen. I think everybody should buy her CD, but I wont ask that. Go to Myspace or Youtube, or even her main band The Ecclestons website. Know about her and I think you will feel the same way I do about her. Oprah always joked that if she ever had Anthony Hopkins on her show she would just sit and listen to him read names out of the phone book because he has such an amazing voice. And she did. I would listen to Colleen sing the phone book. Savy? MOVING ON!

Today's blog is coming a little bit later than normal. I ate dinner late tonight and then laid down in bed at around 8pm only to blink and wake up 2am! Now its 3:30am and I am wide awake. I dont mind, the only thing that bothers me is that there is nothing but GARBAGE on TV! Who shaved their legs like that? You dont need a new 17 blade razor, you need to learn how to shave. You dont need a new knife set, you need to learn how to cut! I have had some tough meat and some big turkeys, but normal people look at their knifes and say this knife wouldn't cut a pipe, a brick, OR a shoe. OF COURSE NOT! ITS NOT A BANDSAW! ITS A STEAK KNIFE. I proudly own a bullet blender. Have i used it to make ANYTHING on the commercial? NOPE! Chances are if you have the time to make a homemade pesto sauce to go over your pasta, or a chocolate mousse from scratch then likely you are doing just fine without the Magic Bullet. Ironically i do need a better razor. I bought a 10 pack for 5 bucks. I bought it for the price, not the quality. I made a mistake. I sliced and diced myself. I guess I got used to 4 blades and not 1. Good thing I grow facial hair like a 13 year old girl. So those 10 razors should do me for the next 3 - 5 years.

Side note, famed Juice Man and Juicer front man Jack Lalanne died today at age 96. He said that he used his juicer every day and that, mixed with a healthy diet and exercise, was enough to keep him healthy into his old age. 2 things. ONE, Most things you mix with a healthy diet and exercise will keep you alive long enough. SURE I do a lot of blow and heroine, but I always make sure I eat 2000 calories a day and hit the gym 5 days a week! Secondly, If drinking out of the juicer and eating healthy will make me look like Jack Lalanne, then Im okay. I'd rather take a dirt nap at 50 instead of spend 96 years looking like a tanned scrotum in a track suit.

I have gone on long enough! This blog goes from 20 readers a day up into the hundreds and I have no idea why! I dont know who you people are, but I thank you for reading!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

January 22 - A Grande Blog!

So at this exact moment I am sitting in a coffee shop in Toronto. I have never been on my laptop in a coffee shop before and I will tell you right now, I have no urge to ever do it again. I feel like an idiot. Very little of what I say is important, and the fact that I am writing in public seems pointless and douchey. I don’t know why people do it! Couch at home just not comfortable enough for you? Its bizarre. To make things worse, First, the only place left to sit right now is at the front with my back to the door. Second, the internet connection will only let me go on facebook and not my blog or email, so I am writing this in my word processor. Typing out paragraph after paragraph with the screen in full view of the public is the lamest thing I could be doing. Im writing the great american novel and all walking into this shitty coffee shop must see that I am doing it! Otherwise how will the world know I am its greatest author!? Third, I am sitting in a tall chair but there is no spot to rest your feet, so if I don’t want my legs to dangle awkwardly above the ground, I can use the metal bar on the side of the chair in side saddle fashion, or i can put one foot on each leaving my crotch in a “HEY LADIES! HOW ARE YA TODAY?” kind of way.

A woman just came up to me to ask me about wireless and laptops. She needs to get one she says. But ooo the macbook is expensive. This is said in a condescending “Well aren’t YOU doing well kind of way”. I just got attitude from a woman who ordered the most complicated coffee and then, when they said they didn't have carrot muffins, she got huffy. The barista said that they have Carrot Loaf, but the woman was un interested. Can we all agree that “Loaf” is a disagreeable word? I don’t think I ever want a loaf of anything. Banana Bread? Sign me up. Meat Loaf? No thanks. Though admittedly I think the problem with the name Meat Loaf is the Meat. I wouldn't eat “baked meat”, “meat square”, OR “meat cake” so I suppose Loaf is its last resort. I do love the singer though, Meatloaf, so I suppose Im full of shit. Oh! I forgot about Meat Pie! Meat Pie isn't unappealing. But lets be honest, its stew folks! What obese Canadian finished a large serving of Stew and said MAN! I wish I could eat the bowl! I know! Next time I eat meat drenched in gravy I'll put it in a pie. Canadian hero, Stew Stewson, died at age 23 of heart complications.

So mike, if you don’t want to be on a laptop in a coffee shop, why are you on it? Well I am waiting for amy to finish a job interview at a record shop down the street. She said she wouldn’t be long, but I don’t mind. I get it. Secondly I was pissed off after getting my coffee and so instead of opening my “stand up” folder on my phone and writing bits, I thought I would just bitch on here! I didn’t even want this coffee shop. I WANTED Starbucks, but it was busy and there was no place to sit so here I am. I ordered a latte and got half a cup of espresso and steamed milk topped with half a cup of foam. Why so much foam on top? This isn’t a lemon meringue pie, its a coffee. I don’t like it. Its not important what chain it is, but lets just say I wont be coming back for a Second Cup.

Its Second Cup. That’s what its called. Just making sure we are on the same page. Dont go unless you need a bad coffee and a place to check FACEBOOK ONLY!

Forever and a day ago, a friend of mine was in a coffee shop and there was a man sitting at his laptop and it turned out the guy was on a gay porn site called Silver Daddies. That’s nice. I suppose we can enjoy the fact that I am not watching porn at a coffee shop. Though Im sure my blog would be a little different wouldn’t it? You'd like it a little different would you? Yea! Yea you would! Dirty Girl!

Sorry mom.

Something I cant quite figure out is why some of the malls and food courts close on the weekends here? There is an underground mall across from my work and they are closed Saturday and Sunday. This is 2011 and downtown Toronto, not Smalltown USA in 1985! People are open on weekends. You're a mall! You have the business sense to open a Starbucks across the street from another Starbucks but not keep a mall open on a Saturday afternoon? Sometimes I wonder how people put their pants on in the morning! How they manage to survive a day without forgetting to breath because they saw something sparkly.

Anyway, Im done my shitty cold coffee and the lady isn’t finished yet so I suppose I shall pack up my cocky author materials, stop getting glares from people looking for an empty seat and noticing my empty cup, and go wander through Chapters with no plans to buy anything. That should be fun.

Friday, January 21, 2011

January 21 - Cheese at 1200 Feet

2 things. 1, I have been told by a woman near and dear to myself that I am no longer to call myself fat or a liar. I have apparently said it, and now its done. So.. noted. Thanks mum. 2, I didnt write a blog yesterday. Why? I got busy. I was editing my girlfriends first music video and by the time I looked up from the screen, it was past 2am, and nobody needs to hear what I have to say at that point of exhaustion.

It has been described to me that when I first wake up and get out of bed I am somewhat like a baby giraffe. Not quite sure if I can walk, but some sort of natural urge to see if I can. I stumble, I fall, I am all round pathetic, but I make it! So thats good

Today I was in a public bathroom and went to wash my hand and the paper towel was already wet. How did THAT happen? I have no idea!

Normally I would quickly write a new blog and post it as yesterdays blog, but NOPE! I forgot, and I'll tell ya right now its tough to take a break. I didnt want to skip it and then all day long I was thinking about the fact that I missed it without a very good reason. Oh well. What can you do right? I wont say that I will never skip another one because we all know thats just not true.

Do you know a bitch? I do. Now When I say bitch, what i mean is a total bitch. I know a woman who, no matter what time of day, month or year she is totally unpleasant! Whats the deal?? Who is unhappy ALL the time? Seriously! It just doesnt make sense. I have known this woman for 3 months and only once was she nice to me and smiled. And what happened when she smiled and was kind for 5 minutes? I thought something was wrong with her. Hey! Why are you smiling??? Are you having a stroke? Is something wrong??? DID THE POPE DIE??? If you smile and somebody thinks its a symptom... Its time to end it.

Today I went to the CN Tower. I stood on the edge of the glass floor. I will admit that I got onto it about 2 feet. 1200feet in the air I stood on a glass floor. I enjoyed it! I thought I was going to Vomit. But I didnt. I do have pictures. Fortunately you cant see the tears... or smell the poop.

So. I am eating pizza and I couldnt be carb happier. People say you shouldnt fall off the wagon. But I have. I have fallen from the heavens of weight loss and into the mud. And like a pig in shit i couldnt be happier. In the morning I will regret it, and I will have to work harder, but sometimes GOSH its nice to break the rules. Is it sad that eating pizza is now the most risque thing in my life? I think so. Oh well.

WOO Cheese.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Why is it that the people who are addicted to sending "forwards" always seems to get them the last?? Hey! Enjoy this joke thats 10 years old! Orange you glad I sent it? If you dont find that funny... Its you.

Time to dish. A friend of mine may or may not be having an affair with a multi millionaire married executive from one of the 15 largest companies in the world. Wanna know who? let the bidding begin! Lets just say that if you ever read a blog of mine that says "UGH! I got held up at customs because they wouldnt let my lunch of white rhino eyeball soup and panda liver be served on my jet" you will know that somebody won the bidding war!

When I was young my mom said that if I wanted to add a fun kids channel to our cable package then I had to agree to watch something adult as well like history or biography. Who would have guessed that almost 20 years later I would be addicted to history and biographies. I buy biographies even if I am currently reading a book. Currently: Stephen Fry. Next? Michael Cane and then Betty White. As I write this blog I am watching a biography on the Gucci family.

On the streetcar today a girl who was forced, due to crowding, right smack dab into my personal bubble. To complete the circle she was also talking on her phone. She was talking to, I'll assume, a boy and telling him all about a class project she had to do on a designer. All of the girls in the class wanted to do Chanel. Chanel has been over done. Its in movies and everything now, and when you say I love COCO, it now means you support Conan O'brien. Which I do. SO, this professor of hers has said NO COCO CHANEL. So she seemed to hit a stumbling point. Really? Nobody as sexy or as rich or what? What about Valentino? Valentino Garavani spends most of his time on his 152-ft yacht that contains original Picasso and Warhols. That man has seen more genitals than a public bathroom. Not interesting enough? TALKING POINT: Hugo Boss designed the Nazi Uniform. DISCUSS.

I met a person, face to face, today that had the same voice as the voice in the interrogation rooms. That distorted, low, voice. I thought it was a joke and then a realized...oh shoot. This is how this man actually talks. And then I thought... how does HE disguise HIS voice? does it become your average voice? It must! There is no possible way to go lower, so he must go higher and clearer which would be your average mans voice. I wonder. BUT i didnt ask, and I think we should all appreciate that.

Had a friend of mine ask me how "the whole... acting thing" is going for me. I said its going. Admittedly I havent been doing much, but i have been more concerned with the now than the eventual. Crazy things like... oh i dont know... rent. food. staying alive? He said OH! You should get yourself an agent! Only somebody who isnt in the business says that. Its not like picking up milk on the way home. You dont say, OH RIGHT! I should do that!... no, its a little harder. Its like saying, oh I need to get milk before I get home and then grabbing a three legged stool, a bucket, and warming up your hands. It takes a while. And like all the folks who say OH I KNOW THIS BIG SO AND SO... SHOULD I INTRODUCE YOU? YES GOD DAMNIT YES! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!?! I APPRECIATE THE HELP!!! I NEED THE HELP!!! Dont watch me drown and then ask if I want a floaty! THROW THE FUCKING LIFE RAFT!

Well it would appear that I have run out of kind things to chat about! I look forward to chatting with you again!

January 18 - So It Is Written, So It Shall Be Done! Eventually.

How are we? Have we all re grouped from the last few blogs? Some silly stuff I know, but If i dont write what is pouring out of my head, then there is no point in writing this blog. For those of you who ask me where all of the rants come from, well I will say that it takes very little to set me off. I see a commercial with a monkey, then I start thinking... damn religion! Why is there still an issue over creationism or evolution... thats all. Just a monkey with a phone and Im off.

Recently the pope decreed that the big bang actually happened. Thats quite the news. So it is now the belief of the church that god created the big bang. But that means... if god created the big bang, then it actually happened, and if it happened, then the world is actually millions of years old... so dinosaurs and people DIDN't live together? The pope cant be wrong! The pope is infalable! So if you are saying he is wrong, that means that it could all be wrong. WHO KNOWS!

This what I think about religion. You are welcome to join in or disagree. Like Bill Maher, I often like to preach the gospel of "I Dont Know". However, I do strongly believe the following. I believe that for a long time people, without the knowledge of science, had to make sense of the world. If you dont know why, you need to make something up. You need to use what knowledge you have to come up with the best possible answer. I doubt the phrase was big man in the sky, but the idea that things were put here for a reason seems like a good one. I think it is more a belief of hope, not of logic. Do I hope there is a heaven? Yes. Do I think there is? It pains me to say, no I dont.

When my loved ones pass on, do I want to think that that is it? No of course not. Who wants the game to end. In the board game "Game of Life" you end up in a retirement home or a mansion... I think it would be less popular if you took your little pink and blue husband and wife and put them into a box and put it under the board. Do I hope that there is a heaven? OH yea! Be great to see people again! Be wonderful to know that this isnt it, and that maybe, there is a chance to do it again. Beats a box and a stone that says "Mike Delmonte"

Holy hell my blogs have been bleak as of late huh? What the heck!? So strange. Im not unhappy! I suppose that this is the outlet for me? Who knows. Dont give a bored comedian a computer I suppose.

I bitch and complain a lot about religion, as I believe its caused a lot of hurt in the world and Im not much of a believer, but I will say that for a single moment in my life I felt that it was all true. I walked out of a polish mass at a church in Assisi, Italy. A mountain side town built on the grounds of an old fortress. Seeing the stunning church, architecture, and music and then to walk outside to see the sun setting on what seemed like an endless stretch of italian country side I remember thinking, this cant all be by accident.

So to sum up my religious rant, I think the world is beautiful. Do I think that some guy talked to a snake or some naked chick ate an apple? probably not. Though as I have recently discovered if you go to downtown toronto late at night there is a good chance you could see either of those!

With all this talk of stars and the big bang theory I would like to end today by saying Im happy the astrology signs have changed. Scientists recently discovered that, due to a change in the earths axis, the average persons astrological sign has now changed. It turns out that I am now a gemini. Who would have guessed that an actor would be a gemini. TWO PEOPLE IN ONE? WHAAA??? I could care less to be honest. Though I did hear one girl scream in tears I'M NOT A TAURUS! I'M JUST NOT!!! Though to be fair she might have just found out her Mother is a lovely jewish woman and her father, is in fact, a car.

Thanks for reading

Monday, January 17, 2011

January 17 - And The Lies... Shall Set You Free.

Welcome to the blog.

Today we take a different run at things. I want to start today with a question. Can we exist without lies? That is the topic for today. Can we as a people, society, individuals, businesses, and world as a whole get by without the gift of lying? Will I be able to answer this question? I dont think so. Will I try? I dont know.

Lets begin. I will throw the first stone and say that I am not a completely honest person. Now when I say that I dont mean to imply that Im not trust worthy, or that I live a constant lie, but I would say that I lie each and every day. They are, more often than not, tiny white lies. "Im doing well today", "The seats you just paid $90 a ticket for are great!", "That starbucks coffee was worth it!" etc. I often lie about my age, weight, height and things of the like. But why? I suppose it puts a sugar glaze over everything to make it easier.

I think that is the major reason this world runs on lies. Its easier. Why get in an argument with somebody when you can say "im fine"? Why have your girlfriend get mad because you said "No, those jeans dont make you look fat, but your ass does"? Why have your boyfriend feel bad because you didnt say "Oh that was the best I have ever had". Lets join in and scream it from the mountain tops people! A new mantra for a lie-less world! YOUR ASS IS FAT, YOU'RE SHIT IN BED, AND IM NOT OKAY!

So lets say this. We live a life with no lies. Life is a tiny big tougher. One of my favorite quotes is "If the mountain was smooth, you couldn't climb it". So, inch by inch, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand we re built our lives and ourselves. And yes that is a directly stolen line from "Audacity of Hope" by Barack Obama. See! The truth. And it works! If we all quit today. If we slapped on that Patch of truth and detoxed from bullshit, we can do it! Can we do it? Yes we can! When will be start? Maybe tomorrow when I get back from using that gym membership I bought.

I have cheated on women. I have cheated on tests. I have lied to family. Small lies. Big Lies. I have done them all. I cheated on women because I didn't want to be as involved as I was. I sought affection from other women because I wanted a love that I could control. When I say that I dont mean that I wanted to control women, but that I wanted to be able to say... this is what this relationship is... casual, or sexual, or friends, or what have you. I have cheated on tests, because who the fuck cares about math. Want me to calculate a tip? Sure. Want me to budget and produce a show that cost thousands of dollars? done. Did i use any of the math I learned in grades 8, 9 and 10? NOPE! The basics from elementary, and then a couple of business schools. Do i regret cheating on women? Some, yes. Do I regret copying the answers out of the back of my grade 8 text book and using those to do my homework? No! Dont put the answers in the back of the book. And for the record Mr Low, I purposely got some of my homework wrong so I would average a B and you would never know. Who have I hurt? Nobody. Did college check my grade 8 math scores? Not yet!

And family lies? Well lets be honest. You dont want your parents to know when you have sex, and you dont want the rest to know you dont really like them. I mean that about close family. I have lots of family that lives in the Rocky Mountains, I haven't lied to them. Dont really know them that well. I always felt like they pushed my mom away when my dad died. My mom never said anything of the sort, or talked bad about them. In fact, she always had nice things to say and encouraged me to go to all the family events, but I think its the impression I got as a kid. Who knows. If they did it, im sure it wasn't on purpose. I would like to grow closer to them again. I hope that happens.

So. I can live an honest life on my own. But what about other things? I have friends who have cheated on their wives and husbands. Friends who have skimmed off the top at work. Friends who DO in fact have quite a bit of grey hair under those beautiful natural brown locks. What about them. Do i go out of my way to tell the truth. If they arent willing to tell the truth, should I? I dont think so. But is not telling the truth a lie? OOO excellent question. Yes a lie of omission is a lie, but is not going out of your way to tell somebody the truth a lie?

I watched a commercial the other day that was an ad supporting a cleanse/detox. This commercial went on to say that the average person... hold on now, it gets a little nasty, but stick with me and its worth it... the average person has 5 - 10 pounds of "Fecal Plaque" sitting in their intestines. How nasty is that? If its true it means that if we dont do the right thing, and make the right choices we have extra weight to carry around for no reason at all. Nobody wants to detox, so doesnt it make sense that we should do the right thing before it gets to that point? I think so. Will we? Sure, right after I use that ab cruncher thats sitting in the garage. The things that bump their way quickly to the "Shut up and tell the truth" category are the ones that I know, if I dont do it now, its a secret I have to keep for the rest of my life. I was at the movies once, and was standing behind a man who didnt know I was there. He farted. When he noticed I was there he said "Oops! Better to let it out and endure the shame than hold it in an endure the pain". 2 gross stories in a row, but I think they are fitting.

So where are we now. I believe the life we had, leads us to the life we have. So if I start telling nothing but the truth, no matter what the outcome might be, where will it lead me. If I let go of the control and let this boat steer itself, where will I end up? Yes, I will go through stormy seas, but at the end will I find a bright and warm paradise? Or will i simply sail off the ends of the earth.

So, here we are at the end. Have I answered the question? Nope. Did I try? I dont know.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

January 16 - Kenny G and The Faberge Egg!

Just to kick start things here, for those of you who read my last blog and didnt know my bit about the fight with the girlfriend was a joke, well it was! Im sorry to have mislead you! We didnt get in a barroom style fight. No glasses or punches were thrown and we certainly never had to go to any police... it was all a joke. And a big thanks to those who took the time to message me and ask if I actually hit her. I understand Im a giant, but what about me? No i didnt hit her, BUT YOU BOTHER TO ASK IF SHE HIT ME? you know, many men suffer in silence in abusive relationships because they are to ashamed to say that a woman physically over powers them. TAKE A STAND my friends! Be Proud... unfortunately amy doesnt beat me. Well... Not unfortunately. Its actually a good thing she doesnt. Im 6 foot 7 but i bruise like a peach!

I met Amy in September of 2010. She came to see a play that I was in. She was in fact on a kind of a date when we first met. In order to break the ice when I first chatted with her at a club afterwards, I simply said that her date (who was elsewhere) looked like Kenny G. 2 things about that comment. 1) She didnt know who Kenny G was, and so thought I was being a total asshole, 2) this guy looks exactly like Kenny G!!!

Her and I didnt break the friendship barrier for quite some time, which is rare. She agreed to get a beer with me once, which I was surprised by. Like most girls, Amy had been informed by friends, family, ex's, and the clergy that I was in fact the Whore of Babalon. That I was trouble. That one date with me would leave her raped, pregnant, and confused. I am happy to say that I only left her confused.

She has recently moved out to the East with me and I think she is having a hard time. I have never made that move for somebody. I appreciate that she has. She has left friends, family, and jobs behind to truck after a husky actor who cant get any work. The smartest move? I think no. But I still think its sweet. I think once she gets a job, and then books a visit home, she will be perfectly fine.

She proof reads most of my blogs, and edits my terrible spelling and missed words. I am an extremely forgetful person. I have so much in my mind at one time that so much has to get thrown out in order to make way for the new stuff. I wish i wasnt so forgetful and I was saying just the other day that... damnit! Nevermind. Just kidding. I was saying that I should see if I can pick up memory games or something. Something to help me fix my silly silly mind. The quickness of it serves me well on stage, but off stage its a royal pain in the ass.

I think the reason that I chose to write about Amy is that she is a little home sick right now. Its hard to leave what you know and machete your way into a new world. I know that she can as she is more than capable, but its hard to watch somebody struggle. I often dont write about her, as I figured she wouldnt like to be chatted about. Admittedly there are times when I write about things that she does NOT want me to, but I think this on will be fine.

Like all couples there are things about our relationship that are pure shit. And there are things that are pure bliss. I am glad that we can be fairly honest with each other and that we always deal with issues as soon as they arise. Very adult, yes? INDEED! Despite the fact that I am sitting on the floor in my toronto apartment because the only think we have purchased for it is a TV, I AM AN ADULT. Sorta. Will we be together forever? I dont know. We will have to see what the pregnancy test says I suppose.


She is pretty, talented and smart, and I dont know why anybody would hang around with a husky hobo like me, but I think its A OKAY!

Thanks so much for reading

I like to include faberge eggs in my comedy as a good example for something frail and delicate. I ended up finding out after a year of knowing Amy that she had no clue what the hell a faberge egg was. Figured it would be fitting to throw it in the title


Does anybody know any poor fat people? Cause I am poor AND fat. Seems like a strange anomaly.

Though this blog will say the 15th of January, its a lie and I dont want you to believe it. I am writing this from my bed on Sunday January 16th at 1:20pm eastern time. I didnt blog last night but I am putting this one up as if I did. Dont tell my readers! I couldn't do it last night because my girlfriend and I got it a massive fight. She hit me. I hit her back. We swore and actually threw glasses. Our neighbors complained and we had the pleasure of meeting the capable and direct Toronto Police. After a stern talking to, seperate of one another, it seems they believe our story of not physically hurting each other, and they let us come home. It was a long and quiet subway ride home, and to be totally honest with you, if this whole thing wasnt a lie, I would probably never forget it.

In reality it got late and I got busy but GOSH that other excuse sounds so much better.

I have something I would like to openly chat about, but I will have to be vague. I cant be as open as I like because, well, this is the internet. I will say it in a fake story instead. I have a lawn. Its a pretty lawn. small, nice shrubs and very well taken care of. I like it a lot. Its very green. My neighbor has a lawn that isnt as nice. He much prefers mine. I want to tell him that if he spends as much time caring for his lawn that he does for mine it would blossom and grow and be a lovely place to enjoy with his family. I don't know how to fix it. I dont want to build a fence, as I like my neighbor, but I want him to use his yard for relaxing in the sun and not mine. Maybe i should get some plastic pink flamingos.

I watched 6 hours of documentaries at work yesterday. Yes its that slow! As some of my readers know, I am an avid fan of the "west" and what cowboys do. I am a fan of western films, and ranchers in general. For Christmas, my mother got me a box set of documentaries about the wild west. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, Buffalo Bill Cody, Texas Rangers, and one called Spirit of Colorado: Cowboys. 3 of the 4 were fantastic! A little dated as the style of documentaries, thanks to Ken Burns, has changed since those movies were made some 15 years ago. The movies were great and informative and I learned a lot from them. My mom, and others, complains that I am a hard person to buy gifts for. I disagree. A movie, a book, a gift certificate and you will find me quite happy. The last of the 4 films, the spirit of colorado came across as more of a promo video for that state. Lots of sweeping arial shots, and little information. It was good though.

At one point in the final film they chased and roped steers. They chase them out of the shoots, jump on them, grab the horns and twist until the animal falls to the ground and then tie three of their legs together. They win buckles and money and such for skill and speed. The most entertaining thing about the whole event is the young cows face! "What the fuck was that? You didnt even say hello! You just chased me with 2 horses, jumped on my back, hurt my neck and threw me on the ground! What the shit!? You're an asshole! Why did you only tie three of my legs? ARE YOU LEAVING? HEY! ARE YOU LEAVING? yep he's leaving!! COULD YOU AT LEAST UNTIE ME? THERE ARE PEOPLE WATCHING! You know if you had taken the time to say "Hello, my name is steve, mind if I walk you out into the field and tie you up" and explained the situation I probably would have gone along with it! I get it! I saw BABE! ARE YOU COMING BACK? AWWWW you're a son of a bitch!"

Worth every penny!

Thanks for reading, sorry for the delay, and I will chat with you tonight!

Friday, January 14, 2011

January 14 - Joe Job Poverty

My urban camping trip is over! The $30 air mattress that was purchased while we waited for the bed to arrive, sadly, passed away yesterday. It expired from a torn seal. It leaves behind a queen matress, a baby balloon, and two totally annoyed owners. What the hell! That air mattress was purchased less than a week ago and already... DEAD! Time to get the money back! Thank goodness the new ultra soft and comfy bed arrived! I could hardly get out of bed this morning. Thought about calling in sick.

What ever happened to quality? Did you know that the life of your average fridge is 7 years? That isnt to much. Because of my gigantic hobbit feet, it is very difficult to find shoes. The only place that I could find affordable winter boots (ie... under $200) was at Payless. The shoes said "impenetrable", meaning that no water would ever get in. And its true. That is up until 2 weeks ago when the outer layer cracked and they now hold out as much water and snow as a coffee filter. Payless said I could go back and exchange, and I will, but gosh what a pain in the ass.

Folks from Slovenia conistantly read my blog. I dont think I know anybody from that part of the world, but I thought I would say Hello to them!... hello! and say thanks so much for reading!... anyways.

Tonight I passed by the Italian Consolate which happens to be just around the corner from our house. It has a large sign outside promoting Italian lessons. I am strongly thinking about joining! I speak a little Italian currently and I would love to speak more. Italy, specifically Rome, is one of my most favorite places in the world. All of the italian residents that I know all say "Come visit! But never live here". Im not sure why they say just visit, but I will take the advice and visit as much as I can! One of my more popular stage characters is an Italian wine maker and so I think it couldnt hurt to speak a bit more! Also I would be doing it for work! Thats a tax write off correct?

I am about to apply for a second job. I have a full time job already, and I sure like it a lot, but gosh I am tired of being poor! I dont need to be rich, I DO need to NOT be poor. Fuck that noise! Thats right readers! Fuck it! I dont like living pay cheque to pay cheque! Forget raising a family on my joe-job wage... I cant even raise ME! And I happen to be the biggest child I know! Thats a fact folks. Look it up. Oceans are cold, dirt tastes bad, and mike delamont is a giant child. Facts of life!

Nap time for this child.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

January 13 - A Foot Nooner with a Giant

They say that the fastest way to a mans heart is his stomach. Cook for him, feed him, etc. I disagree with this. I can feed myself. I can also cook. I dont need somebody to do it for me. Another popular route is through the pants. Without any detail lets just say... i can handle that on my own too. How to work your way in to this husky comedians heart is with back and or foot rubs. If you rub my back or my feet I will fall head over heels! I cant do that on my own. I cant gently rub my back, believe me! I've tried!

Since coming back to toronto I have not gone without! I got a mid blog foot massage! thats like a nooner... but better? I assume?

Men are disgusting. Can we all agree with that right now? lets just get it out of the way! I have spoken about this many many times. We are terrible. I will give a heads up to some that this will get fairly personal and... detailed. Washrooms are the worst. We live in a world where we are so separate of each other. We all have mp3 players, we dont talk to each other. And its because of this that people do things like pick their nose in their car. Are they in a moving glass box surrounded by thousands of people? Yea! Do they think of that? nope. Same thing for washrooms! Its public! there are lots of people around and yet you seem to be in your own world! I had to listen to an older man pee today. Now that seems fairly simple. It wasnt the noise of what was being expelled, it was the noise of the difficulty it was apparently taking. It seems at an age that men loose the ability to pee. They simply stand and wait. It seems that gravity and patience are their only hope. After sharing a wall of urinals with a man who spent the whole time grunting and moaning, i wanted to stab myself in the ear with a pencil.

While on vacation in europe, I spent a good amount of time, ill on greek water, sitting in a beautiful bathroom in the amsterdam airport. It was a lovely washroom. Each toilet had its own room. Sound proof, floor to ceiling walls and doors. Delightful! Save for one simple design flaw. These toilets have a censor on the back so that when you stand up, the flush 'hands free'. The issue with that is that the censor, it would appear also has a timer. A robot response to when it feels you should be done on the john. This response came after about... 2 minutes or so. And again at un even intervals. This would be fine were it not for the fact that these toilets flushed with the speed of a jet engine and re filled with just as much speed. For the gents in the world this means that certain parts of the body are unexpectedly blasted by cold wind and then VERY cold water. Even on the best of days thats not great. I will proudly say that after the 4th click of the toilet i was able to jump up and off, keeping myself warm and dry... unlike the previous, and unexpected, last three times.

New Topic!

In an attempt to adjust how i was sitting i just knocked over a bunch of stuff. I hate being a giant sometimes. I mean, there are times when I enjoy being big and tall, but there are times when I just hate it. I realize it will effect my getting roles and work, but its more the day to day things. Trying to find shoes! Doing simple things where I stumble like a clown. I also have bad knees which i have had since the 6th grade! HOW FAIR IS THAT? Hmm? anybody? I was as tall as my brother by age 11, and I was the tallest person at my elementary school when i finished grade 7. When I say tallest person, I dont mean tallest student. I mean taller than EVERYBODY! Teachers included! Oh yea. Thats real appealing. Nothing like trying to hit on a girl and have her say, awww... you remind me off my dad! Yep! That happened folks! I was 18. Real proud moment for me!

I have decided to put in an application as a Movie Reviewer to a local television network that is currently looking for new talent. Do I want to be on tv as a movie reviewer? No! No I do not! Do I want a pay cheque for seeing movies? Oh yea! Do I want a press pass for the Toronto International Film Festival? Oh yea! Could I do the job? Yea I think I could. To be honest, I really feel nervous about publicly reviewing. There are some films i hate! The only problem is that I want to work with these people at some point in my life! Im a nobody right now and to publish that i thought they were shit seems like a stupid idea! constructive criticism! Oh well... I suppose we shall see!

Thanks for reading! tell your friends!

January 12 - Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, and Fiction

Tonight I was able to see a show that I have seen many times, but today was different. Admittedly the show is an improv show so its always a little different, but today was something special. When seeing a comedy show, one of my favorite things is to see people Corpse or Break. This means when they start to laugh and then cant continue because they are laughing too hard. Its fun and frustrating when it happens to you, but its a blast to watch on stage. It means the performers are in the moment and more importantly that they are enjoying what they are doing. A new popular thing coming out of the UK right now is a fake corpse, where the uncontrolled laughing is planned. It gets the point across, but its frustrating if you start to notice.

I have very happily never used a "plant". Somebody in the audience who is pre planned and knows whats going to happen. Many times after I perform, because of how often and how much I talk to the audience, people ask me if those people knew I would talk to them. They dont. They never do. And I never do either. I never know what they will say. I like it that way. Its a tough gamble to avoid the people you know, but if it works its a huge pay off. Cirque du Soleil, whom I adore, likes to use plants. Some of their shows, I wont mention which ones, use their plants to great effect. Sometimes you dont know, and others, once the reveal happens you are so impressed and amazed. The one show of theirs where is doesnt work is their Las Vegas water extravaganza "O". A man is pulled out of the audience, forced to climb a rope latter several stories in the air and then free fall from the ceiling into a pool. At no point do you believe its not a plant, but gosh its fun to watch.

Its nice to be back at home in Toronto. Working and seeing all of my favorite shows. I missed the "east coast". I say east coast because I havent been any further east than Toronto. I was born in Winnipeg, and then 4 days later I was flown (with my new adopted parents) to British Columbia. Other than that I havent been further east than that in Canada. I am fairly sure that most Canadians dont get to see most of their own country. I know that had I not moved to Toronto, there is a good chance I wouldnt be able to see most of the east. Now I am an hour flight from most major towns on this side of the country and I cant wait to explore. Even if its just for a weekend, I look forward to new adventures.

Today, my self and another producer applied for a spot in a festival for my new one man show. We didnt get in, but we now sit happily on the waiting list in the hopes that enough people take a walk and drop out. As I continue to write my new show, I will admit that my knowledge of religion (a major part of the new show) is limited at its best. It has been fun to read up on a lot of it, but GOSH there is so much to read. So much of it is like reading a childrens book that adults read. Did a man build a boat and try and save some of the animals around him when the valley started to flood? Likely. Was he 500 years old and saved every animal? Unlikely. Is he portrayed drunk and incestuous on the ceiling of the sistine chapel? Oh you bet your sweet ass he is.

Tonight i saw an actual business that said "medical Pharmacy". Isnt every Pharmacy a medical pharmacy? If its not... chances are you just purchased oxycotton from a man in a white lab coat. Good luck with that! And thanks so much for reading!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

January 11 - Boring Long Fucking Cupcake

It has been brought to my attention that in my last blog, While on a supportive rant of Sophia Coppola's work, I forgot to include her actual last film which was Marie Antoinette. There are many reasons why I forgot about this movie, but rather than tell you straight or in song, I prefer to tell you in a short story. Please join me in the next paragraph

Welcome. One time i bought a decadent cupcake from a grocery store. I was very excited for it. It had a vanilla cake base and an endless tower of icing atop it. It looked wonderful. Once I got it, I put it away until after I had eaten a meal, and promptly forgot about it. a week later when i went to enjoy this small but decadent treat, that all my friends told me was amazing, i found it small, stale, and dull. Oh so pretty on the outside, and a waste of money on the inside.

There we go.

I am currently waiting for a mattress to arrive for my new place. I mean, im not actually waiting waiting, I know when it will arrive. It gets here on thursday. In the mean time I have been sleeping on an air mattress. Its good fun! Sort of an urban camp site. A conversation was had about if we get a "I can hardly tell its not a real bed" air mattress, or one less fancy. With a price difference of more than $75 for an AIR MATTRESS, we chose to go cheap. I have no regrets. Its very comfortable. I wouldnt want to do it forever, but then again if you are camping for more than a week... chances are you dont have a job or a home.

The homeless in Toronto are quite smart. On the west coast they tuck themselves into doorways and the like to stay warm. In toronto there are air vents that pump the warm air out of the ground. The kind of vents that women dont like to walk over in high heels. Following? Good. They set up camp on these grates and sleep in the middle of the sidewalk. But they stay warm and toasty! Its very smart! I would rather a home... but if I had to, now i know what to do!

I always tell my self to remember ideas to blog about, but when i sit down to actually write it, i've forgotten it. Oh well. I find out in the next 2 days if I will be taking my one man show to the west coast at all. That should be fun. I have asked a very funny man to take the helm as the director and I would be very happy if he did. I dont know if he will, and if he doesnt, well thats the way the world works! Will I cry? yes! Was I already planning a good cry around the time he happened to tell me no? Of course, you always have to plan for a good cry. But we shall see. I have hope, but low expectations. That should be my campaign slogan.

The other day I watched Oprah. I watched an episode about amazing animals. A stray dog from afghanistan that saved the lives of 40 soldiers, a story about a dolphin with a prosthetic tale, a story about a rhino and elephant orphanage!! I will tell you right now world readers. I cried. Happy happy tears, but big fat lady tears none the less.

I dont normally blog in the morning but i felt i should. The comment about being a Marie Antoinette denier got me going. I wont deny the woman, but i will deny the movie. Its okay though I find most entertainers like to think they can forget about a certain show. I have many! OH dont worry! That James Bond Corporate gig where you re wrote the lyrics to the bond theme song and played goldfinger never happened mike! NEVER!

I was doing an event once, and often when i have a drink in my hand on stage it is a real drink. This night was not the case. I didnt want to stay so plying myself with booze was not a good idea, plus i had another booking right after this. I had a real bottle of jack Daniel's but in my glass was diet pepsi and water (yes, yummy). I was on a break and somebody broke into my dressing room and stole my GLASS of booze. Did they take the bottle of Jack, the water or the pop? Nope! Just a full glass of "whiskey". I like that! Its criminal justice! When I was a young kid growing up in the rockies there was a guy who would steal christmas gifts out of the back of people trucks once they dropped them off and went to get into the vehicle. So then a man took the time to gift wrap garbage and leave it in the back of his truck. It was stolen too. I like the idea that this guy was stealing a big heavy gift wrapped box only to get it home and realize it was garbage. Oh vigilante justice, are you ever wrong?

No is the answer to that question.

Thanks for reading!

I finished this blog at 1:11pm on 1/11/11. Cool huh?

January 10 - Pretend Nazis

Woo! Happy and proud to announce that I have officially lost a follower of my blog! Who they were and why they left Im not sure, but BOY am I glad they did. If my computer would tell me who they were I would email them and ask. I will assume that they are a nazi and are going back into their time machine to fight the russians. I appreciate them following me for the past 2 months, but I am sure that you are needed back in 1945. I wish you all the best! And good luck with the war, Im sure the germans do well in the end.

Speaking of germans! When I was flying to Victoria BC, I was in the airport and bumped into a girl that I hadnt seen in several years. Her and I had some classes together in high school, and then I think the last time I saw her was on a ferry going from Vancouver to Victoria. Her and I grabbed some food and a drink as we waited for our flights to the west. She informed me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. She had broken it off for several reasons, one of which being that he didnt know what the holocaust was. He wasnt denying the holocaust, he wasnt saying that is didnt happen, he was simply saying that he didnt know what it was. How do you make it through 25 years of life and not know about it? I knew about it when I was 10! I often tell my friends to pick up a copy of the book 'Night' by Elie Wiesel and if they dont like it, then I will buy it back from them for the price they paid. I do suggest that you read it also, but I wont buy it back from you. Actually I have never met a person who didnt love the book! This girls ex boyfriend has his masters degree in Canadian History folks! Good thing no canadians had a part in world war two! Good thing we stayed out of that bad boy! On June 6 we dont celebrate D day, we celebrate the birth of famed actor Paul Giamatti! We call it P Day in canada.

How do you go through life and not know about it?! It boggles the mind, and this guy wasn't even kidding. Did he not see Schindlers list? The Pianist? What did he think? OH! WONDERFUL FICTION FILMS! How clever! How do they come up with those story lines! Classic work.

For future reference the attacks on 9/11 didnt happen. That was just David Copperfields newest trick. Neat huh? All done with mirrors, smoke, and a world in mourning. CLASSIC copperfield!

A girl today told me that she wasnt superficial but that her new boyfriend was much fitter and better looking than her last and thats why she dumped the last one. I like that starting a sentence with informing us you arent something is supposed to stay with us when you then say the total opposite. Im not a racist but black people steal! It doesnt work! Now I didn't sleep with your mom... but there is a chance I could be your dad. Do you see where I am going with this? If we were okay with people doing that there would be no stopping us! Now... Im not a bank robber, but give me all your money!

I went to the movies (as usual) the other day and I would like to say that noisy internal gas is one of the most frustrating things in the world! The whole damn film! It sounded like my stomach was moving furniture! Would it quietly come out? No! Would it come out noisy? NOPE! Just rumble rumble rumble, as if my stomach had dropped a bag full of potatoes and steel drums down a flight of stairs. So annoying.

Yesterday I saw the new Sophia Coppola film "Somewhere". This movie is not for the average film goer and I will say right now that if you did not really enjoy Lost in Translation and the Virgin Suicides (her last two films) then I would not recommend this film to you. It is quiet and simple. It is a bit drawn out but that nicely serves to illustrate how lonely and dull the main characters life is. Excellent and simple performances by Stephen Dorff and Elle Fanning. It was nice to see Stephen take the helm of a lead role again as it has been quite some time since the public has seem him do so. This film also features an unexpectedly honest and subdued performance by Chris Pontius of Jackass fame. Be prepared for the slow paced style of Coppola and the wonderful, naturally drawn out chemistry between the films two lead characters. I would happily give this film 3.5/5

Thanks for reading, and please follow my blog if you like it! Hell... follow it even if you hate it!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

January 9 - Banana God

There are days when I cant wait to sit down and blog and then there are days when I cant wait to dump out whatever crap is floating around in my head. I rarely plan what I am going to write. I was actually going to say I rarely pre plan... but pre plan seems incorrect... planning is already "pre"... other wise it would be unplanned. hmm. Shit that floats in my brain.

So what should we talk about today? I dont know. in all seriousness I was hoping that by the time I finished writing that question I would be filled with ideas. Turns out, when Mike Delamont is pushed to choose fight or flight he chooses nap.

My last name, as I have said in previous blogs, means "of the mountain". Its a fairly easy name. Its not common, but its not difficult. Its spelled like it sounds, and it sounds like its spelled. You would be surprised how many people miss spell my name. Delmont, Delamonte, and the most common Del Monte. I am not a banana! For a while I thought about changing my name to suit the world of acting. I also threw around the idea of making it more french. de Lamont. My family is not french, but I thought it would be nice to have it spelled right. As you can tell I have chosen to keep my own name. I figured is Schwarzenegger can keep his, so can I. And PS... that is the correct spelling! I have been able to spell his name since age 10? Something to brag about? no not really.

I have started to put together my god show. Its tough to make the full show come together. Its mostly finished but will go through many many re writes. Plus, the chances that my current political and hollywood references will be out of date is fairly good. So it will always change.

I was having a conversation about the character of GOD. I have always been very quick with responses to things like hecklers. Its a skill I have, but wish I didnt need to use. Because of how often people like to chat with me while Im on stage I often tend to leave at least 20% totally unplanned to accommodate that. I like it. Most of the time it goes extremely well... sometimes it doesnt. Most people want to be a part of the show, some of them are just ass holes. Its rough when they are the second and just want to interrupt. You turn down the fun and turn up the mean... which I will admit... sometimes is fun.

It is time to say good night! MTV cribs is on... I have no plans to watch it... I just thought I would mention it. When I watch the show, I get angry because its full of rich nobodies! Who are these people!?!?! Its terrible. ALSO, with how many people are wanting to be famous, it drives me crazy that for a star to get their picture in a gossip magazine is to simply just not wear make up. I DONT WEAR MAKE UP EVERY DAY! What the hell! I would like my photo in a magazine! Oh well. Maybe one day.

Thanks for reading!

January 8 - Beige Explosion!

Today met me with a snow fall of 6 inches and a temperature of -10c. Good first full day back home.

As some of you may know, I am a husky gentleman. Amongst the wonderful world of breaking a sweat when I tie my shoes, wanting to die when I climb stairs, and wearing a T-shirt when I swim up until the age of 17, I also happen to stay fairly warm when the weather is chilly. At -10c even I get a little chilly. Being a saturday night, there are tons of women out in the smallest, skimpiest skirts I have ever seen. How do they survive? I saw one run across the street tonight and all i could think was "Gosh this wind is cold... lets run so it hits us harder and faster!" I dont want to try and put somebody in a box, but no smart women are dressing like barbie in freezing weather! It just doesnt happen. They have more sense! Oh well.

Today I watched a wonderful car commercial. It goes on to say that of all the cars tested that honda, can get from over 100-mph to 0-mph the fastest and in a much shorter distance. It has 4 different cars and then transforms to a mom with a child in the back stopping behind a mini van. The commercial says It stops faster and earlier and thats important to me, and then the mom who stops behind the mini van says... and its important to me. Really? This is what that commercial says to me, MOTHERS WHO DRIVE AT MORE THAN 100-mph SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN IN THE CAR!!!

I emailed my landlord to ask what his feeling were of a "feature wall" being painted in the apartment. He said that he would be fine with it and even offered to pay for the cost of paints, rollers etc etc etc. He then added that all of this was providing it was a neutral and warm color. What the hell? Who does that? Who paints a feature wall a calm color? The whole apartment is beige! Tan floor and Beige walls? Wow! how original and special. I think he was less thrilled when I planned to paint it Ox Blood Red. Am I still gonna do it? Oh you bet your ass I am!

A friend of mine who moved to toronto from victoria bc has now started his own blog. Well sir... now we must fight to the death.

Tonight I went to the movies and before it started I went to the washroom. Once I was done I was standing at the sink washing my hands. Out of the stall came a young woman. Once she saw me she said kindly "Sweetie, I think you are in the wrong washroom". I replied "I just peed in a urinal... I think you are in the wrong washroom"... she simply said "Oh well! Cant go back in time!"... I enjoyed it very much

Thats about it for me! thanks for reading and please tell your friends!

Friday, January 7, 2011

January 7 - Bohemian Adventures

Toronto Apartment? Check! Hydro? Check! Cable and internet? Check! Brand new bed purchased that wont arrive until next week? Check! Small but stylish and very affordable TV set up? Check! Furniture and dishes? NOT Checked! Blow up air mattress being blown up? Check.

Let Bohemian Toronto life BEGIN!!!

In front of me right now is the new 90210. A re hash of the oh so popular hit of the early 90's. This show is terrible! Why is casting 35 year old men appropriate to play 17 year old boys. Having gone to school, I have met more than one 17 year old boy... they are not dreamy, toned, or smooth. They are awkward and overflowing with testosterone. They are sex starved pimple machines and, sadly, not wrapped up in any charm.

I love to swim. I always have and, i think and hope, always will. There is nothing better than floating around. Not much that calms me down. What don't really like about the swimming is the oh-so-comfortable naked men. Now, dont get me wrong. Im not afraid of penis. I have one. And I have seen at least three. I once had a man who said he and his girlfriend were big fans of my work. I am all for a fan saying hello, the only problem is that I was sitting on the change room bench putting on my shoes and he was standing beside me, one leg up on the bench, drying his hair, a foot from my face, totally nude. Who needs to see that. Flaccid penis has no place in society. I say we ban them! Lets protest! Form a march! It can be sponsored

It is nice to be back in Toronto. Today has been a long day. I wasnt able to sleep on the red eye flight last night and so I am working on about 2 or 3 hours in the past 2 days. 2 hours of sleep plus the overbearing smell of the rubber from the newly inflated air mattress I think will make for a strange blog and even stranger dreams.

Went to buy a bed today and the first woman I spoke to ended up being that douchey pressure salesman that nobody likes. Instead of listening to what was being asked she just kept trying to promote the most expensive beds available. I hate people like that. I have been a sales man before and you dont have to be smarmy. I know a commission sales guy and he is one of the greatest salesmen I have ever seen. He makes an impressive amount of money and I think is the tope sales agent within the company. As Conan says... you can still be nice AND successful. Oh well. One say people will figure that out.

So after about 8 hours of walking, my feet are gently crying and its time to conserve my heat and sleep.

Thanks for reading!

January 6 - West Jet East

Welcome to my blog.

To bring you up to speed, I am currently sitting in the Calgary Airport waiting to connect to my flight home to Toronto. I am currently writing this blog in my word processor as the wonderful people at this airport wont allow me to log on to my blog. Just facebook. OR I can get a full 15 minutes of internet browser. Its like a congical visit.

This airport had 2 large towers with planes on top that spin. It seems an odd choice. Though I come from a city that thinks large fiber glass whales are a good choice for city art. To each his own I suppose.

I would like to take the time to thank all of those folks who wished me well in my trip back east. And by wished me well I mean that they told me not to hurt Amy and that if I did they would be hurt, or find me or insert whatever you think appropriate. The first time it happened it was cute and I joked that it had taken so long, the last half dozen? yea... I get it! Thanks so much. Thanks for the concern. Thanks for feeling the need to say it! and thank god you did! If you hadn't... I was going to beat her. I will gladly accommodate her safety and I appreciate the concern

I feel grumpy about it and that was the nicest way to express myself. The amount of times that it happened seemed to be a little bit to much. Shakes a guys confidence a little.

Can we talk a little bit about Airplanes? Listen... I love the free television and the Pay Per View Movies... but is the TV screen on the back of the seat in front the best choice? Do we need to take in all that color and action as close as we would hold a book? I was all fine and dandy until the man in front of me chose to recline his seat pushing the screen from mild discomfort to 100% "OH COME ON!" I will say that even at this close, the films I watched were mediocre.

At this exact second there is a young child running around the terminal. little children are fast! We should race them! Fuck the Kenyans! Who cares that they win every race (thats an Olympic track reference... not an obama one) I would pay good money to watch half a dozen kids book it in a full on race. These kids are amazing? When did kids get this fast? I am told that as a child I strongly felt that when I got new shoes I was much faster than when I was in the old ones. I dont know if I was fast, but I was certainly quick enough to get away from my parents and plunge myself new-shoe-first into any puddle I could find.

It is now almost 24 hours later. I am in toronto. Day 1 of being back. My cable and internet is now installed. Blog number 2 on its way shortly!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

January 5 - You Got a Friend In Me

So, tonight, Amy and I bid farewell to our friends in Victoria BC. And when I say that what i mean is her friends and "our friends" came out to say goodbye to Amy. When I left Victoria to move out east I simply slipped out the door and disappeared. No big goodbyes, no sad farewells. Amy is not that type, and I can respect that.

Through my life I have never had many friends. I have always had a few good friends here and there, but nobody particularly close. I have always been more of a boyfriend kind of guy in that I find my best friend is often the person I am dating at the time.

I dont know why i dont cultivate friends, I suppose i just never saw the need or had a want. I like being by myself, and I have a hard time trusting people enough to let them in. There are a few gents who I respect and share the stage with who I would call close friends... and they are it. From the way-back days I have a friend named Matt. He and I met in high school when I was in the 8th Grade and he was in the 11th. I was best man at his wedding and I was at the hospital not long after his little girl was born. Because of work, family, and life in general, Matt and I see each other very rarely, but I would still consider him one of my oldest and best friends. I would happily do anything for him... other than move... that card has already been played.

Tonight at the going away shindig, one of my friends told me he thought I would do really well in Las Vegas as a performer. He was quick to say that he didnt mean that as an insult, but that he thought i would do quite well in that town. i adore Las Vegas and would happily do a show there anytime. It has been a dream of mine to work for Cirque du Soleil for quite some time, so who knows! Maybe fortune will smile upon me!

Tonight I began a hand shake agreement with a man who is going to help in producing my new one man show. There is a wonderful video of Kevin Costner going off on his anger of investors who want so badly to put their name next to a star's but rarely seem to back it up with the cash. He gets nice and angry, its wonderful. Tonight though, a man I know and care about offered to help in the financial side of my show and I couldnt be happier! Its so good to have somebody say HEY! I think you are worth it! Here ya go! Means a lot when somebody makes that gestures.

At this exact moment I find myself drifting off to sleep which would explain the running together of words

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

January 4 - Manly Man

Today we talk about men. Men, and what it is to be masculine... or what it is to be un masculine. The definition of a manly man has changed over the years. At one point it was the frilly bloused men of the french court, at another it was the bed-sheet-clad-boy-loving greeks, and of course the lowly, but built and sex starved, farmhand.

Today I was standing in a mall near 3 young twenty-something men, and at one point a girl came up to join them and offered one, who was clearly her beaux, what appeared to be a coffee cup. He asked what is was, and she said that it was the Caramel Apple Spice he asked her to get so they could share. He denied asking for that and suggested that she drink it. It seemed obvious, to me at least, that she hadnt ever really wanted the drink and had mostly gotten it for him. He, in the eyes of his friends, continued his protest and then left to purchase a strong black coffee. I thought it was funny that he would deny a drink. Was it because it sounded like something a young girl on a cold wintery day would order? I personally love that drink. Its the most affordable AND enjoyable drink at christmas time. I dont know why you would be embarrassed about a drink, and I guess thats what got me onto the subject of masculinity. What makes a person "Un masculine"? Is it the appreciation of Carmel, Apple, and Spice? My vote is NO.

I got an email from an ex of mine letting me know how to charge a car battery. I will be the first to say I know sweet fuck all about cars, but on this day it appeared that I knew what I was doing and that my mom seemed to proud, that this girl didnt seem to want to chime in with the right answer. I have, in my head, always called this girl "cosmo girl". I felt that she often did things according to cosmo magazine style advice. Let him appear to be the man of the house and try to charge the car... dont tell him how to... let him be masculine. I would much rather have a girl tell me how to do something right, than "look manly" and not get it done. I will however say that this girl gained various skills with advice from cosmo which, without getting too personal, far outweigh the bad advice. If I have to take the sadness of receiving the bad advice shes got to get the happiness of receiving the good advice shes got... I say bring on that bad advice and god bless you Cosmo. Being told what to do by a girl is Un Masculine? I vote no

I have been known for being a masculine guy that lives a fairly un masculine life. I am a mommas boy, I cant grow a beard! Unless you include the occasional random nipple hair, I have no chest hair to speak of! I know nothing about cars and have never even driven one. And sports? Oh holy hell! I know nothing about any sport, and I could ACTUALLY care less about them. I DO however love action movies, i have an unhealthy obsession with guns, I love politics, I enjoy cigars, I have... at a time... been a bit of a womanizer, and I like a cold beer. At the same time I like chick flicks, cigarette smoke makes me cough, a like home renovation (thats a split vote though folks) and oprah has made me cry.

So what makes somebody masculine? I dont know. What is Manly? I cant seem to figure it out. It seems like the only way to measure it is to compare it to things that are commonly seen as feminine, or uncommon for a man. The only issue with that is that in some point in history, that wasnt considered "unmanly". Dressing up as a woman? Some of the greatest shakespearean actors of the day walked the stage as beautiful women to great acclaim. Sex with men? Many of the strongest greek generals took male lovers and as you will see in some literature, preferred them. If I see a man in a pleated leather skirt chances are he is a little gay, but change it up a bit and picture a strong roman soldier in a pleated leather skirt off to fight the barbarian hoards... well... probably still a little bit gay.

But even the gay men of this world are manly. Have you seen Brokeback Mountain? That sex scene is manly! Not really my thing, but you have to at least agree that it is a masculine occurrence.

I will tell you right now, that this sentence you are reading is an edit. Originally this paragraph went on to say that the one thing that proves a lack of masculinity is a Feather Boa. Nobody has ever looked masculine with a feather boa... but I was wrong. Hulk Hogan has been using one for years and if a world famous wrestler cant pull off a manly look then who can... so thats out!

The only thing I can think of that is manly is hunting. The ability to raise a weapon and end the life of an animal is viewed by most to be quite manly. I view it as a lack of compassion and heart. Now if you are doing it to survive, thats different, but for sport? Well I just dont know what to say to you.

I suppose, in my mind, what is truly masculine is survival. The ability to provide. The caveman definition of finding food and shelter and surviving. So in life its survival... but in society? I dont know. Any ideas? Do share with me what you think. At the start of this I had a hope that I would come around to something good and poignant... turns out... nope!

Thanks for reading.