Tuesday, November 30, 2010

November 30 - CRAZY HAZEL

Welcome back boys and girls!

Today we start by talking about comedy. I would like you to open your books to page 1. A chapter entitled? Thats right! "Improv and sketch are two different things". Tonight I went and watched a sketch comedy show which featured stand up, improv and sketch. Now I understand that the lines can be blurred sometimes. Its all done in the name of comedy. Hopefully. But when you advertise a sketch comedy night... let it be mostly sketches. Lets meet half way and agree that if it is in fact a "Sketch Comedy Night"... at least 50 percent be sketch. On this occasion sadly only 1/3 of the sketches were funny, but thus is the gamble in the world of $5 comedy nights.

When I moved here a lot of the hard ass'd people in the town I came from warned me that my comedy might not fly here in the BIG CITY! They have higher standards and will let me know what they think. From what I have seen the bar is pretty low. From what I have seen there have only been 3 or 4 performers that i went... WOW! OKAY. thats something to compete against. The others just arent funny. Im not saying i AM funnier than them, but i do FEEL funnier than them. Bah. Who knows.

My eyes have been driving me crazy. I think it may be time to make the leap to the world of glasses. I will talk to a doctor... we shall see!

So yesterday I ranted about my childhood and Halloween and other things. My mom told me this morning that I should watch what I say on here. I think she should be happy that I have yet to tell any stories about her. There are many and they are all amazing. But instead I think i shall talk about another woman. I worry that I have spoken about her before... and if I have then you should skip the next paragraph.

I am currently renting a room from another actor. I live on the top floor of a 4 level house. On the 3rd floor are my other roommates as well as kitchen and washroom, and on the main floor is a character in and of herself. She is the gargoyle of our building. she checks in on us and snoops. she watches when we come and go and will often go through our mail. On my first day she informed me that she was the superintendent of the building and that if I slammed the door it would be a $500 fine. This is a part of who Hazel is. Crazy Hazel lives downstairs and somewhat resembles the witch from sword and the stone. She is not the superintendent of this building, shes a tenant, and... as you may have guessed... crazy. Hazel has informed us that she is actually not aging, she is getting younger. She will often stop us a the door by blocking our way. She reeks of an unwashed body and dirty clothes and has missing teeth. She has never been terrible to me, but she has been vicious to the others. As of late the actual landlord has had to come and tell her that she cant keep bugging us, and so we havent seen her as of late. We only know shes still alive because her lights are on at night and off during the day. Other than that... she seems to have disappeared. In my brownstone rooming house I am currently living out an Edward Albee play.

I have made oatmeal for the first time. I am an adult and i realize that its silly, but I have purchased a package of instant oatmeal and I eat it every day. Its so simple, I dont know why i never did before. I also got two packs of MR NOODLES, which I have never had. I figured I should grab some just in case I was busy and needed quick food. But one mr noodles has 62% of your suggested daily intake of sodium. Just doesnt seem like a good gamble as a gigantic man.

I hate to tease, but i may have a line on yet ANOTHER apartment. we shall see. I will keep you in the loop of if I am homeless or not. As my dear friend morgan brought up, I do still have my hobo costume here, so I should be good. We came to the realization that if you are homeless, any clothes you were are a hobo costume. Interesting that!

As I said early in the blog, my eyes are sore and tired, so I think its best that I just close my computer and try and get some sleep. Mike fact: I have never smoked pot, not once. So if you ever see me with bloodshot eyes, it means that I am very sleepy.

My eyes are currently very bloodshot.

Talk to you tomorrow


Monday, November 29, 2010

november 29 - Trick or Treat!

Hello world.

I can correctly spell "to". I can also spell "too" and hey... if im feeling naughty i can also spell "two". Am I lazy and sloppy about my spelling? Yes, I am. Do i believe there should actually be a grammar check? Yes, I do. Will I try harder as a blogger and writer to improve my skills to make your reading enjoyment more? No. No will not. We have to accept each other for our flaws and embrace them as a good! I adore you for your (Enter appropriate but totally embarrassing fact about you) I think its charming!

When I was in grade 1, I had a wonderful teacher named Ms Place. Mrs? I dont know it doesnt matter. Either way, she was fun. We turned our classroom into a rain forest and did all sorts of fun things, but i never really learned how to spell small words. It took me years to get the right there/their/they're! And every once in a while I STILL fuck it up. I was a brat when I was younger. I always had fun and when I look back I see that I am not much different now. During our in-class reading time I would sit with my back against a shelf in the corner. When it was quiet I would knock on the shelf and my teacher would get up and go open her door. 2 times was funny, 3 she was mad. In grade one she taught us about composting. In grade one i learned that if I told Riley Hunter to go up to the teacher and ask what FUCK meant that he would get in trouble and I would LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH. To be honest, It STILL makes me laugh.

Also in this same class a group of us once broke into song. The Right Stuff by New Kids On The Block. I knew it well because my cousin Paul had their tape. When I would sleep over at pauls it was always frustrating because he couldnt sleep without listening to music... OR WITHOUT THE LIGHTS ON. So it was a tape of new kids on the block and bright bedroom lights that would rock us to sleep. Grade one was also the time that one day I forgot my own name. I was about to put it onto paper and gosh if I didnt totally forget it. I sat there trying to remember what my first name was. Every day we were assigned chores in class to do and so I went over to the board and looked up what chore I had done and there is was. Michael. Thank god I remembered what chore I did, otherwise you would be reading Janessa Delamonts blog instead!

My cousin Paul and I grew up together. We were the closest in age and hung out as much as we could. After my dad died I tended to stay closer to my mom and didnt spend as much time with the Delamonts as I did before. We opted for christmas on our own with Earl and my other grandpa and I do regret not being closer. I have never felt like an outsider by any means, but i think my mom might have. Its odd what you dont piece together as a child. The delamonts remain close and I wish I could make it over there more and get to know the newer members of the family a bit more. Hopefully some day. But back to paul. Now, paul and I are about as opposite as you could get. Paul is fit and plays sports, I... am not. His parents always tried to encourage me to join in, but GOSH i dont like it. I mean, now as an adult I enjoy exercise and wish that I had done more as a child but competitive, I am not. Being called a Poor Sport is something I vividly remember being called. I understand where they were coming from but I really resented it as a kid. BUT! Off the few bad memories, i have PLENTY of good ones. Pauls birthday when he slipped in the snow and split his tongue in the middle. being 6 and not knowing about stitches I remember all the kids wondering how they would get a band aid to stay on his tongue. He and I also went trick or treating for several years before I stopped doing that and went to a heritage town to do Halloween stuff with my mom. One year I went as Frankenstein (big shocker, I was tall back then also!) and paul went as a ninja. Even then I would sweat to death before I took off a costume. Couldnt ruin the illusion! I WAS IN CHARACTER! I wore a Frankenstein head and an old suit that was small on me(I think I was 8 or 9 at this time) By the half way point I was still in costume, and paul was now in black pants and a turtle neck. He had taken the mask off because he was hot. When we would go to houses, people would comment on my costume and so he started telling people that I didnt show up with one so he gave me his and went as a ninja instead of Frankenstein. Even now it makes me chuckle.

Halloween was also a frustrating time as a child because I lived in the rocky mountains. So a puffy winter coat was either put embarrassingly over or under the costume. I can remember going as Frankenstein, a dead soldier, a karate werewolf, a vampire (those shitty white teeth didnt even stay in my mouth until the first house). And my most common costume as a child? im sure to my dads enjoyment... a witch. Green face and pointy hat. We would go to the relatives. My grandfather and my uncle john always had full sized chocolate bars which was AMAZING. A bunch of us would end up at my grandfather house sometimes. My dad LOVED chocolate bars, so I think that was part of it. I was raised to believe that 2 things are the most amazing desert snacks ever. Ice Cream, and Turtles. I thank my father and grandfather for that. My grandfather would actually hide his box of turtles if he knew my dad was coming over, but my dad would find them on his own by some divine power.

I loved being at my grand parents place. It was so big! The house is on the edge of a golf course! They had a basement crawlspace that you had to lift a part of the floor to get to and climb down wooden stairs. SOOO cool! OH! AND! haha. They had a closet under the stairs and behind the coats was a door. In reality it just lead to a storage space under the stairs, but to somebody who had just finished the Narnia stories... a door in a closet = AWESOME.

This was a strange blog. But hopefully entertaining! I will write more tomorrow, apparently I have lots to say about my childhood!

Thanks for reading


Sunday, November 28, 2010

november 28 - Foreign films and fame

So it happened today. Today I went to a small local theatre and watched a foreign film from england. It was delightful and seemed to have an okay budget and an exciting script. I saw Harry Potter. I really enjoyed it. I thought the 2.5 hours went by really fast. My roommate and I saw it at a theatre that has a VIP option. If you choose this theatre, its about 4 or 5 dollars more, but there are amazing seats, maybe 30 seats total, a nice small screen that is perfect for the room, plus they have a waitress that will bring you your pop and popcorn and they also serve booze. Nothin like a lazy boy recliner, a beer, and a movie. Will I do it again? hell yes I will.

Today was my first day off in 9 days. I slept and and relaxed and it couldnt have been nicer. Made a quick trip to the store to get gloves and shoes for the snow. I got the gloves, but the place didnt have my size for boots. I suppose its a good thing that there isnt snow on the ground. YET! I read that this year will be one of the worst years for snow in Toronto... I suppose we shall see. WHO KNOWS.

For those of you following my hunt for a place to live as of January 1st, I will update you that another place has fallen through. Found out at noon today that an AMAZING place right on the water wouldn't accept my application. Oh well. So much for all the perks of being poor! Shame.

So here we are. What should we talk about today? First off to anybody in Victoria BC who is reading this, i would like to push a show for you to see. Justin Carter will be doing a show at the Intrepid Theatre Club called Son of Africville on December 4th. Its an autobiographical show about meeting his birthmother after 20 years of seperation. He is a wonderful actor and singer and I highly recommend supporting him. Show is $10 from intrepid Theatre. Go see it!

I will be honest with you folks, I really dont know what to write tonight. Its a case of an overflow of ideas. 37 ideas when I want to have just one. Can I just say though that I think customer service is underrated? I have had bad service day after day after day! Its just not important in toronto. When I went to start up my new bank account, the woman behind the desk asked how she could help me and then didnt even listen to my response! I said I wanted to set up an account and she looked back up at me and replied... gosh its cold out today isnt it? I responded by just leaving. I went to another branch and got treated like a terrorist instead. So good for me! I have a fairly big audition in December that I would like to go well. In fact when I think about it I cant help but get a little twinkly in my eye and the tiniest amount of puke in my mouth. Its tough here. I feel like performing gives me the oxygen to live. Right now i am swimming in this pool of mundane work and meet and greets after shows and when i get on stage and get laughs its like INHALE!!!! and back in. I was worried when i came out here that nobody would want to see me perform, and if they did they wouldn't like my stuff. In the 2 stand up shows I have done, i got asked back right after... so people find me funny... now its just trying to make a lot of them find me funny. I thought about performing in a shirt that has my name on it... but that seems stupid. Its still on the table of options though.

I have a show on Dec 8th in toronto. If you know anybody who should see the show, please shoot me an email and I will happily invite them! or give you the info and you can invite them! I just want to work! hahaha.

A fuse has just blown in my place and in order to turn it back on I will have to go down to Crazy hazels in the morning. Worth it? No its not! Time to turn off the computer. More about crazy hazel tomorrow! I am going to try and sleep if I can. If there is a subject you think i should talk about, send me an email, or even make a comment. I always like suggestions. And hey, I might not know anything about it, so an uneducated rant might be fun! or get me elected to government. YES! YES that joke just happened. Hello canadian TV! Here I come!


Saturday, November 27, 2010

November 27 - Not very funny, but true!

Hi all,

About 5 years ago I had a situation that I thought was going to be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My fast lane to the big time and big money. As time went on there were some ups and downs and at the end of the day one of the biggest people involved left the table. Things happen. I understand both sides of the situation. The one sad thing was that I had left my jobs, I had spent all of my money working on what would be the next half decade of my life. And when it fell through, all of the eventual money did as well. It plunged me into an ungodly debt and meant i had to struggle to get by and lean heavily on my family and my supportive (now ex) girlfriend. It was a tough time, and in an un-mob-like way I owed a lot of money to a lot of people. After I got my next job and got back on my feet, I paid my debts and regained myself. Sadly this didnt happen before collectors started to hunt me like a dog, now my credit rating is shot to shit. I have slowly started to re build it but its no where near what it once was. In fact at one point it was so bad that I couldnt even get a debit card! You know your credit is low when a bank doesnt want your money.

SIDE NOTE: There is a condo building being put up downtown and there is a huge sign on it that says "Starting in the low $900,000" Every time I walk by it I laugh and think... really? Do they need to say low at that point? I would like to buy this condo! I have $940,000. Sorry its $950,000. What do you think I am!?!?! MADE OF MONEY!?!?! If you already have a low 900... im sure you can rustle up a high 900 my friend.

Back. So I am currently trying to rent a condo and it has become a huge fuckin ordeal. Co signers and work letters and blah blah blah. Im not a hobo! Just give me that damn condo! I have the money! Do i have proof I will have the money? no. Well fuck.

There are times when I am proud of being an funny actor and even a singer. I always try to promote myself. Hell i even have a website. But gosh, when you are trying to gain respect and get in a door where somebody needs to you be responsible, you HIDE that you are an actor. Saying your an actor to a business man is like saying I LOVE MONEY! I BURN IT TO STAY WARM! As of late I have tried to hide my actorisms harder than anything. To be honest i was going to make a jewish joke here but it seemed in poor taste. I work in a place where there are a lot of other actors. Its like pergatory. I knew that this would happen, but i still feel like that girl who was amazing in all the school plays and then graduated and went into the world only to realize she was just like everybody else. I adore my job, but holy hell I want to be a performer instead. But it gives me a good push to get on stage as much as I can, and to try and be seen by people who can help me on my way. We shall see

NEW TOPIC. I was talking to a good friend last night about addiction and alcoholism. I dont even know how it came up. Though I have kept it quiet I have had to deal with that problem within my family. My dealings with it are probably far worse than some, and far easier than many. I wont go into any detail of who this person or people are in my family or any of that as I feel its their choice to tell people or not. I was talking last night about how its interesting that all of my large characters that I do either currently drink, or had a drinking problem at one point. I have always found addiction interesting. For myself I obviously fight my own issues with food, but nearly 6 years ago I had to face an addiction that i could feel starting which was gambling. I loved going to the casino, but the thirst for "THE NEXT HAND IS GONNA BE THE WINNER" is a tough one to fight. I have never gone overboard, and since that time I have only gambled once ($20 in vegas at the golden nugget. I HAD TO! I lost $5) I dont have a drinking problem. The one and only time I have gotten drunk was Nov 22 2008. I kissed a girl (apparently) in front of a girlfriend, on her birthday, and then got a ride to a party and spent the whole time throwing up inside and outside the door of a friends car. He has very nicely never made me feel bad about it. I offered to pay to have it detailed, but I think he just wanted to forget it ever happened. After that night i said... oh... so thats what its like... no im good. Now Im a sit in a nice pub and have a pint kinda guy.

The funny thing about addiction is that, its not what you are addicted to thats the problem. Take alcohol. Most alcoholics dont get drunk cause they like the taste and want to loose their friends and family. Its a crutch. Its relief from a pain, or a way out when they dont know how to, or just cant, deal. Studies have shown that alcoholism is hereditary, but I think its that inability to deal with problems and to find a safe way out that is whats passed down from generation to generation. We as a people tend to give ourselves the quick fix for multitudes of issues and we often dont realize it does more bad than good. I am certainly as guilty of this as the next guy. I am thankful though that in my childhood my two largest influences on me were good ones. After my dad died my mom dated a man named Earl. Earl has always been like a father to me and, even if he doesnt know it, shaped who I am today. I learned to be respectful. I learned not to judge people. I learned that getting your hands dirty and working hard was something to be proud of and to value. I learned about cars and western movies. I learned how to tell a joke. And most importantly I learned to respect my mother. Like any family, her and I fight and bitch and complain about each other. But i love and respect her. When I was a boy and would yell at my mom, Earl would go up on side of me and down the other! My mother through the years grew from somebody who raised me on her own and worked hard to do so, to somebody who taught me the value of being smart, of knowing business, of networking and making friends, and most importantly, the value of being true to yourself. It has only been in the last year of so that I realized I hadn't been true to myself and that i wasnt happy with where I was going and what I was doing. If i hadn't been for how i was raised I dont think i could have stopped, looked around, and gotten back on the right path.

I realize that this blog, like a few others, hasnt been that funny. And I do promise that I will write funny ones. But its important for me to share things here. Even if nobody reads them. I can promise that on this site I wont lie or bullshit. I will try to be funny, but I will always be honest. Since I started this silly thing I have had more than 1500 people read it. I dont know how much they read, or if they enjoy it... but I appreciate them for taking time out of their day to do so.

Thanks for reading.


Friday, November 26, 2010

November 26 - Cowboys, Chick Flicks, and a Bitch

A short while ago I mentioned my steal of a deal western dvd purchase. I watched the first one last night and really enjoyed it. Its tough though as some of them, I think, will be terrible. Its tough when movies are made in the late 60's and early 70s to not have that 70's feel in the making of the film. I think thats why the good the bad and the ugly is so timeless. Side note, Eli Wallach who plays Tuco in that film (or UGLY) is also in the movie "the holiday". I hadnt really seen him in anything else and to see him in that movie as a sweet old man was wonderful. Big Lee Van Cleef fan as well. Being a younger guy, born past the golden age of westerns, its amazing to me that a man could get steady starring work for almost 40 years in mostly just westerns. I adore western movies and I would happily do one any time. I actually have a piece in my stand up about that! I would tell it to you now but its more of a visual thing. Its good though.

To those that know me, they know that I am a big fan of what is commonly called the chick flick. I have seen most of them and on several occasions it was me dragging the women to see them. I think they are cute and adorable and good fun. Are they great films? no. Are they well written? usually no. One of my top ten favorite films is Love Actually. I think its an amazing movie. Its heavy and light, well written and well directed. Its a good movie any time, but a great holiday film.

Before work today I was crossing the street. A large truck went by and it had a word on the side. "HiLite" There were two young construction workers beside me and one said the word out loud. he said "HILL TEE" to which his friend said "its HIGH LIGHT... fuckin faggot". Now I dont know how that word came into play. But it made me wonder... is this guy under the impression that gay people cant spell? because that is wrong sir! THAT IS WRONG. The gays in general have both wonderful spelling AND penmanship! I wanted to walk up to that illiterate construction worker and say... it gets better son. It gets better.

So I have been a proud client of Coast Capital Savings for a good long time now, but Toronto doesnt have a prominent Credit Union. I have been forced to open an account at a bank. The largest one in town is Scotiabank. I have friends and old girlfriends who have had accounts with them and just hated them, but here we are. I miss the days when you walked into a business and they seemed happy to have you there. In setting up an account I had an issue with the woman as she treated me like she didnt even want me there. I thought half way through of saying... I can keep my money some place else if you'd like me too. Her name plate said "Director of First Impressions" Considering she wasnt there when I walked in and then treated me like a hobo, I feel like she should change her title. Maybe something more fitting. Princess of the High Horse Brigade? Exececutive VP in charge of being a twat? I dunno... I will think of something. This woman asked me who I worked for and I told her that I work for Mirvish. And she didnt know who that was. Now I understand if you have never been to Toronto or if you have no interest or knowledge in canadian theatre, but this woman was obviously from toronto. For those of you who dont know who Ed and David Mirvish are, they are, amongst other things, major theatre producers. The first canadian producers of Miss Saigon, Les Mis and Phantom amongst others. But ALSO, along king street where 2 of their 4 theatres are (as well as this scotia bank) the name MIRVISH is on every lamp post down nearly a 10 block strip. This woman passes them EVERY DAY to get into work. It just didnt make sense.

Anyways. I am working just over 50 hours a week and need to be up bright and early for tomorrow! Good night! Talk to you tomorrow.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

November 25 - Slutty Winter Coat

I have learned a valuable lesson this week. I have worked the last 8 days in a row working about 60 hours in said days. When I work at 9 it means that, if I want to walk, I need to be out the door at 8:35ISH. which means I drag my ass out of bed at say... 7:45. On average I go to bed at around 3am. If you are a fan of math, you will see that that equals about 4.5 hours of sleep. Now, Jay Leno works on 5 hours of sleep at night. He says he cant sleep any more. he wakes up early every day. I, in many ways, am not Jay Leno. I am fuckin tired people. just exhausted. So do I stop? do I stop seeing shows and waddle my ass home at a reasonable hour? NOPE! No I do not. but I should have. And now I am. Lesson learned.

It was talked about in an article once, but I really dont like to talk to people. I will happily say hello and chat with a fan when they take the time out of their day to say hi, and my friend Rod and I will stand on a street corner and talk for hours in the middle of the night sometimes, and I will happily shoot the shit over a beer with the guys, but I cant handle the schmooze. I dont do it well. I get nervous meeting new people, and I hate hate hate being the actor that just talks about all of their upcoming shows. Its so gross! I just cant do it. I performed the other night and all I wanted to do was to leave after. I know that i should schmooze. I should push myself on these people instead of just shaking hands and introducing myself. I never know what to say! oh well. Maybe one day I will change.

I went to see Burlesque last night. The movie people! Cher! It was one of the few times that I wished I was a flaming homosexual. How a movie that is so predictable and poorly written gets Stanley Tucci I will never know. Like his friend Oliver Platt, the addition of Stanley Tucci, no matter what size the role, will greatly improve a film. What a terrible film. Terrible! And I honestly couldnt have had more fun. The audience cheered after each song. Broke out in hard laughter when Christina sang for the first time. and gave a standing ovation at the end. If you didnt get the camp of the film walking in, then this crowd would happily help you with that. It was a really great time. My only actual complaint is the total waste of talent in casting Alan Cummings as the door man. He did nothing and he is so fantastic. He has less than 10 lines in the film, and for such a good actor, its just not right. Oh well. Who knows what went on!

I have been on the hunt to find a place in Toronto for January. I had a place lined up but it fell through which was disappointing. Oh well! Trying to find a nice place in this town is crazy! I think i might have done it though. I have put in an application for a beautiful place right downtown on the lake. 46 story with a view of the CN tower. So amazing. I hope I get it. and im not gonna lie, I will blow my fucking stack if I dont. There is nothing that kills your motivation more than constant rejection! (Says the actor trying to make it in toronto. interesting)

Talked to my mom on the phone today. She read the blog last night. Notice any comments on here? Nope. Were there comments? Yes... yes there were.

I want to share something with you reader. I dont know how to say this... but...

I was raped today. I know what you think. You are a guy and a giant. how the fuck does that happen. I didnt see it coming. I was on my break at work and had to go downtown for a meeting. I took a wrong turn and went down the wrong street and bam. I didnt want it. I didnt so it was okay, and i hated every moment. The wind raped me like a whore. I turned around the corner and got the wind in my face from off the lake at -3 today. It pushed my against a wall and ruined me. My hands trembled and I tried to get away from it but couldnt. Admittedly, I was walking with my coat wide open before I turned the corner around the building so... i guess cause of the way i was dressed i might have been asking for it... but I dont think thats right. I HATE THE WIND. I HATE IT!

Thanks for the read!


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

November 24 - Minty homeless joe and the stinky town

I would first like to start with a comment about the past blog. First off. Sorry I got serious. Secondly I in no way meant that I am a bad boyfriend now. I am a very very good boyfriend now. Better than I have been! So yea. Just saying. My lady friend is awesome. And I am not a douche to her.

LETS BEGIN. Does anybody else know an old lady that for SOME reason has a computer? They have no idea how the world works and some how hurl emails into the universe. I had a woman today call me at work to say that she emailed the company i work for to ask for them to book her tickets. But then her daughter came over and did it for her. So she sent two emails to us saying she no longer needed us to get her tickets. When i tried to ask her who she emailed (complete with all her credit card info) she said she didnt know. So this woman filled an email with personal credit info and just clicked SEND! when I told her that we didnt sell tickets from email requests because we have a box office, a ticket call centre, and an online service instead, she didnt understand. I tried and tried to tell her that she wouldnt be sold more tickets, but she just COULDNT grasp it. BARELY GRASPING, i managed to get her off the phone. It was done! information had been delivered from my mouth to her ears. She called back 3 times.

My mom is alot like this. She hasnt quite figured out facebook. Instead of posting a message on your wall she tends to post one to you on hers. Next time I see he I also will need to show her how to change the ringer on her cell phone. So, at least we have plans! She will probably try to write an upset comment on this blog. I guess we will have to see what happens

Last night I performed at ETON House. A tuesday night stand up comedy bar. It was great fun. Mid day I got a call from a friend saying that a person had dropped out and so she suggested I throw my name in. Long story short I got to open. Its tough to open for an audience. Its been a real treat and a nice test to be able to walk into a bar where NOBODY knows me and make people laugh. In victoria, because they know me, a lot of audiences laugh before i even say anything. which i could take either way.

Of all the shows I have seen in Toronto i have to say that watching second city is the one that i said I WANT TO DO THAT. I enjoyed their show and I think my style... not so much my characters... would do well on that stage. I apply in January, so i suppose we shall see what happens. I will either get laughed into a job or laughed off the stage. Either way, I hope they laugh.

Toronto stinks. I mean that in the kindest of ways. It fucking stinks. But not all the time. You will be walking down the street on a nice crisp fall morning and then all of a sudden BAM! A waft of stench hits you in the face. Hits you like a stranger throwing a sponge at you. It doesnt hurt but after you say... what the hell was that? where did that come from???? Its so bizarre. I can only assume that it will get worse as the weather gets hotter. Much worse.

Today as i walked by my favorite minty breathed homelessman he said DO YOU HAVE IT? and i said have what? and the moment the words left my mouth I said Why the fuck did you engages him??? but it was to late! DO YOU HAVE IT? Do I have WHAT? do you have IT? DO I HAVE IT? YES!! DO YOU HAVE IT?? no sir. no I dont have it. THATS RIGHT!!! Because I do!

And then he walked away.




Tuesday, November 23, 2010

November 23 - Fucking Liar!


A peek into my darker side today.

I have for a long time been known as a bit of a womanizer. I really enjoy women. I like spending time with them in all of their womanly glory. THATS RIGHT! I said womanly glory. Now fortunately, almost all of the rumors are lies, though some I wish werent! If I could live half the life I do in my rumors I would be very happy... and quite possibly dead.

I don't know why I am talking about this now, but I just wanted to. I have done some bad things as a boyfriend. I have lied and I have cheated. I would never raise a hand to ANY woman, but other things I have done have hurt far more than that ever would. I had a bad break up about a year and a half ago and it caused me to re evaluate myself. I am, though it can be tough, an open and honest person. I tell people what I feel and try and express myself better. I didnt realize what an all over effect it would have, but I have never felt better. One day I will write a book about all of my likes and escapades and people will need to read it. Half will say this guy has done alot!!! and the other half will say, THATS ALL?

Tonight I did a stand up set in east toronto. It was a new room and I was first up which is always tough, but it went well. I did some old stuff and some new stuff and had a nice mix I think. The crowd seemed to enjoy me and thats really what counts. I hope that the host will have me back again sometime soon.

I am in the midst of trying to find a place in Toronto for january and MAN is it tough. There are so many and so few at the exact same time! I think we need to settle on a few things though people. Furnished does not mean an apartment with your old shit in it. Its a nicely furnished place. SECONDLY. Stop trying to sell a basement bachelor with no light as a cosy studio. Its not! Its cold and its under your house! Im 6'7 I cant live in a basement! I would die. Local comedian Mike Delamont died today after a swift blow to the head from a house support beam.

A friend of mine and i were talking the other day about goals and work. He is a very funny performer and for me to see him on TV or in movies someday soon would NOT be a surprise. He and I agreed that we both try to be humble and nice when it comes to comedy but that there is a growing part inside that says I WANT TO BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING THING THIS WHOLE PLACE HAS EVER SEEN!!!!! but as gentlemen and non-douches we try to keep that quiet. Many people say that Im on the right track, but fucked if I know what that is. I suppose just work hard and shut up! And by that i mean just work hard and talk alot... but be funny.

I hope you realize by now that I try to have a theme to my blogs. the last few days I have been so tired when I write them that I basically just bitch and moan instead of add in the funny or interesting parts. Im sorry. Since starting the new job I have had to start getting up before noon but my body isnt tired until about 3am, so when my alarm goes off in the morning my body kinda says... what the hell?!?!

But tomorrow I have a free night! WOOT people... woot. I think i will see a movie. I think maybe harry P. or to enter into the same world as all of my gay friends, maybe i will see Burlesque the new Sher movie... though I say I wont... i will. Maybe not tomorrow.... but soon.... and in theatres. OH! The other day when I say 127 Hours, a couple came late and started to walk up my aisle. And you know when that happens you just roll the dice and hope that they dont sit close to you. They did. Right behind me! And talked through the whole fucking film! I wish I had farted to scare them off before they sat down. Not to imply that my farts scare people, but who chooses to sit next to a farty guy? NOBODY.

Odd note to end on. BUT I WILL!

I will be clever and funnier from now on.



Monday, November 22, 2010

November 22 - Popped Collar Douche

Tonight as I was walking home I was checked out by 3 guys. And when I say "checked out" I dont mean oooo who is that handsome husky dark haired fellow? I mean that i got checked out as in "what the fuck are you looking at peasant?". Now, I get it! Some people think highly of themselves, and honestly, some should. But I will NOT take being looked down upon by three guys who travel together in the same car and wear sunglasses at 11:30pm! Its almost midnight boys! Loose the shades, tone down the cologne that smells like musky balls, and un pop your collar, you are a fucking adult. You wanna fuck a 20 year old college girl? Build a time machine and go back 18 years to when you were appealing to them.

I would like to extend a warm hello and thank you to my new over seas readers! This blog now has readers in Canada, United States, Britain, Singapore, Slovenia, Denmark, Ecuador, Germany, and Australia.

Speaking of Germany, I would like to promote two very dear friends of mine. Several years ago I was fortunate enough to become friends with a brother and sister in Berlin. Astrid and Otto Rot have a band and tour the world. Now if you dont know who they are, you should. Right now I am wearing one of their t shirts that I got this summer. Their music is wonderful and inventive, as musicians they are talented and inspiring, and as people they are sweet and kind. Do yourself a favor and visit itunes and listen to their stuff. look up Die Roten Punkte, or go to their website www.dierotenpunkte.com . People with that much talent need to be a household names and I want you to trust me when I say that their CD's (their newest is my favorite) are worth every penny.

Tonight I went out to see stand up comedy here in Toronto. As somebody who is trying to be funny for a living, its tough to watch comedy from the audience. For some of the performers I sit there and laugh and say GOD they are funny! and then I watch others and I say HOW THE HELL ARE THEY UP THERE AND IM NOT!?!?! Oh well. Give it time I guess.

As some of you know I am on a weight loss kick. An old friend of mine sent me an email yesterday with options to spice up my enjoyment of water. Also made recommendations on how to fix the hunger of dieting. I just want to say to all who read and take an interest in my weight loss journey that I am doing it properly. I complain a lot cause it would be much more fun and soooo easy to just eat a burger than a bowl of rice and vegetables. I have currently lost 20lbs since the start of my attempt by just dropping the crap out of my diet. Saying good bye to a lot of sweets, pop and just bad foods. Its good. Top that off with a little working out and I am on track to being happier about my health. Dropping the fat doesnt hurt my in-the-mirror pride either. Its nice when you can notice. The day you say... HEY! I have a jaw line! I thought i was born without one.

I got my lady friend something small to celebrate the birth of jesus christ and I am currently on the phone right now to change the delivery method and my estimated wait time is 30minutes! 30 MINUTES! Thats obscene. Right now I work for Mirvish selling tickets (which I really enjoy) and people on the phone seem shocked when I am nice to them. Of the things I noticed when I moved, the lack of amazing customer service was a bit one. Nobody seems to appreciate that you patronize their business. Its such an odd town. So when I am really nice to people who are buying hundreds of dollars worth of tickets, they seem surprised. Its one of those... you dont by a ticket... I dont have a job situations.

Okay. I am going to go and yell at the nice folks on the phone. Im not even mad. I just feel like I should be for the wait.

Thanks all for reading!


Side note: at the 29 minute mark the phone rang and then they disconnected me. NICE... real nice.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

November 21 - Food, movies, and dinosaurs

Here we are again.

Yet another late entry into the world of blogs.

What shall we chat about today? Lets chat about the health front. I think it may be time for Mr Delamont to head down and perhaps purchase some glasses. I have astigmatism and normally its okay, but it has gotten worse. My eyes get tired and I get head aches. Of course today I spent 7 hours working in front of a computer, then saw a movie and am now blogging and after that I plan to read the new GQ. The doctor says that i should do less of all of that... I suppose i could try.

Do you know what is refreshing? A tall drink of water! Do you know what is not entertaining, delicious or enjoyable? A tall drink of water! What do you call a handsome man standing at the bar? Steve, but there is no time for that. FOCUS! all I drink is water. No juice, no coffee, no pop, no nothing! (minus the odd pint) I have stopped drinking the sugar stuff to help drop the weight. Its helping but man is it dull. Good god. Now i wont knock that stuff forever, but i need to go cold turkey right now or I just wont stop. This is killing me. My body just wants to be fat so I have to train it. My mind and my heart are happy but my body thinks this is bullshit. Hey body... you want a chicken wrap with no salt, cheese, or dressing? NO I DONT! OKAY! I WANT TO GO HOME AND MAKE A HUGE SERVING OF PENNE COVERED IN A BEAUTIFUL TOMATO AND GARLIC SAUCE AND TOPPED WITH JUST THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF MOZZARELLA AND ASIAGO! THATS WHAT I WANT OKAY?!?! okay... but all we have is a chicken wrap... it has pickles! You like pickles... Fine I'll eat the fuckin chicken. Of course after that my body gets the kick start of protein and green colored healthy vegetables and forgets about being hungry or wanting shit food and we continue with our day... but none the less! REVOLUTION!

After work today I went 2 blocks over and watched the new Danny Boyle film "127 Hours" about a hiker for falls in the desert and gets his arm caught underneath a boulder. James Franco is in it and, as always, he is wonderful. It was a tough movie to watch due to how graphic it gets. The big plot point raised over and over again is will he survive. Of course in the opening credits it says the film is based on his book. So obviously he survives. Sorry to ruin that for you. But there is still alot of suspense. For me I had an Idea of what was going to happen. If you want to see this movie I say read nothing more about it and just go and see it. Dont read a synopsis or review. just go. The blinder the better. As a person who is afraid of falling AND claustrophobic, It was a very hard movie for me to watch. This is the number one reason why I havent (yet) watched "buried" with Ryan Reynolds. a 90 minute film shot in a coffin. I used to be afraid of being buried alive, and i realize that my fears are now simply the helplessness of a situation and the claustrophobia. So basically I will try my best not to get stuck anywhere lol

Toronto is a great city and for somebody who loves theatre, there isnt really a better place to be in canada. It hasnt started to feel like home yet though. I think it will once I have my own place, but right now as I am subletting a room it hasnt quite settled yet. The job helps. My bosses asked me yesterday... so when can you work? and I said... I dunno... All the time? What would I say? No sorry I cant work that day, i have to much nothing to do! Tickets for a certain musical about a lion come on sale tomorrow so it will be nice to work at a job thats finally super busy. Busy helps make the time fly by.

SO. The plan this week? work 40 hours. See 4 live comedy shows. and 1 European film about a young student named Harold. I shall write about all of it in the best detail I can.

I just learned that my current weight is the same weight that Tyrannosaurus Rex babies loose their feathers and hair. Thats a fun fact! Ironically when I first got to this weight, I became hairless as well. Interesting. I also have small arms and a huge head. I dont want to ruin it for anybody... but i MIGHT be a dinosaur.

Thanks for reading! Tell your friends!


Saturday, November 20, 2010

November 20 - Jews and Christmas

Welcome back and happy saturday to you one and all.

I will start by saying that I normally try to get my blog out in the early evening Toronto Time, or mid afternoon for those avid readers in the west. A part of me thinks i should write it at night and then just post it early in the morning so people can read it whenever they like... like a newspaper. I opted to say newspaper because i feel that my reader numbers sadly resemble those of the newspaper industry. Well... mine is low for a newspaper... not really for a blog. I have now said (including this one) newspaper 5 times. I think we should move on. The point of all that was to say that I am writing today's later than i normally do.

On November 3rd I met a performer named Michael O'hara (perhaps O'Hare). He sang a song at a cabaret that i went to and was just wonderful. Had a full tenor voice with great control. I think for me, singers that i really enjoy are ones that I can trust. I know they wont crack, i know they wont screw up and I can sit there and enjoy. He was an amazing singer, one of the best I have seen live. Great Broadway sound with being "Broadway. (for those non theatre folks, I know you dont know what that last sentence meant... but trust me, its a good thing and, also, all of the theatre people know EXACTLY what I mean). Anyway, after meeting him he told me about a show he had coming up on the 20th, which i decided I would go to. It was in a "club" in Toronto which, despite the websites description, turned out to actually be a restaurant. So if you didnt go early with friends to have dinner and then stay, well there was basically no seating available. I happened to snag a stool at the bar, but that leaded to the discomfort of the fact that the bar ran perpendicular to the stage, so everybody sitting there had to try and look over or beside the head of the person in front of them. This would have been a manageable task had the person in front of me not moved around like a crack head trying to combine watching the show, sipping his drink, and chatting loudly with his friends. By the time intermission came around I was so fed up and my butt was so sore that I said time to go.

SIDE STORY: One of the songs tonight was sung by a woman introduced as a Yiddish diva. She sang a holiday song and a peter paul and mary song, both in Yiddish. She was quite good. The woman beside me was chatting with her friends and informed them that Yiddish is actually a form of German (correct) and that it was invented my Jewish factory workers (incorrect) so that their German bosses wouldn't know what they are saying (SO FUCKING INCORRECT IT HURTS MY BODY) When you were a kid, after your parents taught you Pig Latin, did you ever use it to say bad shit about them forgetting that they taught it to you? Same thing. I wont go into what is wrong with what she said. Maybe she was getting it mixed up with the popular tale of the history of capoera. Who knows. But wow. The fact that she hasn't died while brushing her teeth in the morning astounds me. Just saying.

MORE JEWS: Welcome to my extra jewish content portion of todays blog. Now... since the beginning of my time on this earth, I have always liked jewish people. No reason not to! Im not jewish but my foreskin is so thats a close bond as well. Also, If you didnt laugh at that you shouldnt be reading this blog. Tonight I walked by a jewish soft-serve frozen yogurt shop. 10 flavors that change every week. Marshmallow, cookies n cream, candy cane, chocolate, etc etc etc. ALL LOW or NON FAT! once you have filled your cup to it's desired amount, you throw on any toppings you like and then they weigh it. And its affordable! Kosher Soft serve at its very finest. I adore this place and i... and my waist line... are thankful to live a good long distance away from it. But if i am ever near it, you can bet your sweet ass Im going in!

When you were a kid do you remember the Santa Claus parade being in November? Didnt it all just blur together so it seemed like a week before christmas? I grew up in Cranbrook BC and when I was young, my dad was an owner of a Nissan dealership and so i got to ride in the Nissan "float" one Christmas throwing candy canes from a snowmobile (how much more small town Canada can you get!) and apparently we werent throwing it far enough (ie to the sidewalks) and the producer told us that we couldnt throw candy anymore as she worried we wouldnt throw it far enough and kids would get caught under the wheels of the trucks. First off.. I was 6. secondly i felt we threw them far enough, and if we werent, i feel we deserved another shot, and thirdly, if you get run over by a firetruck going 5 miles an hour... I say thats your ass.

So there we go.

Chat with you all tomorrow!


Please tell your friends and if you have questions or comments please don't hesitate to send them!

Friday, November 19, 2010

November 19 - Who Gives A Rats Ass

Hello All,

Welcome back to the blog.

I'll be totally honest with you all, I have no interest in writing today. So for that reason alone, I am sitting here and writing. One of those days when you just say AHHH SCREW IT! But thats when we have to buckle down and do the things we need to do.

I certainly don't dislike writing a blog, its tons o' fun! But gosh am I tired.

I started my new job yesterday and just getting up early and doing something before 12 noon, is so new. I really like it, but its still no fun to get up early when you are a night owl. Oh well

Im a huge fan, always have been and always will be, of Western Movies. Yesterday i purchased a few westerns. I got 3:10 to Yuma (the newish one with Russel Crowe) and also got a box set of 20 old old westerns for only $10 which is a steal of a deal! thats 50 cents a film folks. You cant beat that price. Unless you are planning to buy Blair Witch Project on VHS from Honest Ed's.

Recently I had a conversation with somebody in Toronto about the new laws against Jay Walking. You can now be fined for crossing the road in the middle of a street and not at an intersection. I think thats bullshit. Im an adult. If I feel its safe and want to cross the street, i think thats my choice. If I walk out into the street and get hit by a car because I wasnt paying attention? well kids thats my own damn fault. So let me walk toronto! Let me walk!

I gotta be honest. This is a hard fuckin town to break into. I meet people all the time and I feel like it does nothing. One of the reasons why I started this blog is to have some kind of creative outlet. On the West Coast I was performing an average of 200 performances a year. So far I have performed once. And after that i have only 2 bookings. People here dont want to give you a chance, they dont want to say yea hop on stage. Its frustrating because for those small few who have given me the chance, they have seen that Im funny and have said okay... Cant wait to see you again next month! From what I have seen so far there is A LOT of shit that is getting good reactions here on stage and I just want to scream WHY!?!?! ugh. Well folks that is my rant. On this cold night, tired as can be, you just got to see a sneak peak at my new one man show" I'm Tired Of Being Poor And A Nobody". So far there are no dates booked.

Oh well! I will keep my head up, I will work as hard as I can.. and who knows. Maybe something will happen!

Anyways, Im sorry for the rathe unexciting blog. I hope you are all having a great day, and I really do appreciate that you take the time out of your life to read what falls out of my head.



Thursday, November 18, 2010

November 18 - Everybody Poops.... and wants to see Harry Potter


Harry Potter is playing at only 1 movie theatre in Toronto. THAT'S IT! There are a million movie theatres, but one of the biggest movies in the world is only at one. Admittedly tomorrow it plays 19 times in one day, but STILL!

welcome to this blog. The blog that most adults don't want to talk about... that's right... poopin! So if you don't wanna know... walk away now.

I will admit something to you that i certainly don't want to. But I will. Because this blog is, for all intents and purposes, kind of a journal... and if you cant be honest in a journal... where can you be honest?

Last week while walking with some dear friends down a busy road I got the gurgle. Now as humans we all know what the horizontal gurgle means. Its your body saying, "We need to find a washroom, and you need to clear your schedule". This gurgle often happens after you've eaten something spicy or ethnic, or even just to much buttery popcorn. As adults, most of us are to ashamed to admit whats going on inside when another person hears your stomach make that announcement. I for one like to play it off as if Im quite hungry... but we all know.

Most people I know will go to extreme lengths to not let on that they have to, or in fact that they EVER do, poop. A dear friend of mine, who will remain nameless for now, and I shared a common bond about how we both have a special bathroom at work. One that is rarely used, sometimes on a different floor, where you can do what you have to at work in total anonymity.

On my first day of work at a large theatre in Victoria BC I was cleaning the bathrooms on my first shift only to find that a woman had in fact shit on the wall. Now I can only assume and hope that it wasn't intentional. But it looked as though somebody had hit the wall with a paint gun. A shot that hit with so much force that the outline of the handle could be clearly made out on the wall. My question is... was she okay? she MUST have stayed in the stall for the whole intermission. How could you leave? And if you did leave, your sense of pride and or shame would compel you to say SOMETHING to the next person... what would that even be? OOO, You might not want to go in there, I think the person before me must have shat on the wall!

When I was walking down the street with my friends last week and I felt the gurgle, my brain kicked into full gear. Like a T-1000 I started to calculate how close I was to home, how long it would take me to get there, what way i would take, and, more importantly, an educated guess on how long I had. My mind deduced that it would take me 10 minutes to walk home. It also calculated that the gurgle alarm would go off in 2 minutes. And also that there would be no chance of a snooze button. This lead to the sad realization that it would be the TINY public bathroom in the shopping mall across the street that would be the stage for my embarrassing opus.

To make a long story short, which it hasnt been, and to cut out all of the horrifically gory details, i will simply say that I am no longer welcome in that particular Korean shopping center.

Its at this time that i would like to extend a point of thanks to the makers of no-name brand pink stomach medication. When you purchase Imodium you tell the world and everybody in line at the drug store, THATS RIGHT! I have Diarrhea! But with Pepto-Bismal, you can keep the secret. PEPTO, KEEPING YOUR DIARRHEA... AND YOUR DIGNITY... IN GOOD HEALTH.



This is the last one I will do on this subject.

SIDE NOTE: Spell Check recommended Pesto-Dismal as a correction for Pepto-Bismal.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

November 17 - Shut Shut Shut THE HELL UP!

Welcome dear friends! Today we celebrate the start of my third week in Toronto Ontario!

Last night it was so cold and windy and disgusting outside that i decided to stay in where it was warm and cozy instead of go out and brave the world. I realize that if I plan to live in Toronto, I will have to suck it up and be a big boy, but last night I didnt. I also decided that I would enjoy some warm comfort food and opted for Poutine. That was a mistake my friends. Turns out adding greasy poutine to a stomach that has been grease free for 2 weeks is a terrible idea. Lets just say it was a bad choice.

For those of you who don't know me, I am sad to inform you that I grow facial hair about as quickly and fully as a 6 year old girl. I have, in fact, seen women with better facial hair than me. AND i feel those post-op trannies who then grow goatees are just rubbing it in my face. I didn't shave for the past month, and thought i would maybe hold out until the new year to see if I could and also to see what it would look like. That was my plan until the other day a friend told me in great disgust that I needed to shave. I am now back to my clean naked faced self. Do I like it? I dont know. Is it less itchy? fortunately yes. Is it colder? sadly also yes.

Went to the Martini Bar at the Pantages the other night to hear what i can only describe as an open mic singers night. Every monday people show up with music and sing. And all of them were wonderful. Most of them had the same cookie-cutter sounds which was unfortunate. But all still very good. I would like to try out some songs there. see if there is a reaction. we shall see net week i suppose.

I have the good fortune, as a movie addict, to living a 15 minute walk from the major movie theatre in downtown Toronto. I see alot of movies. Chances are if its not a horror (I get scared easily) then I have seen it. And likely i saw it in theatres. So i would call myself an aficionado of movies, movies theatre and anything else that goes along with it. There are few things i like more than sitting with somebody, sharing a bag of warm popcorn and enjoying a movie. But GOD do I hate everybody else that goes to see movies! People in the dark, its as though they now have a license to give up everything proper! So lets go through this point by point shall we?

CELL PHONES: Lets just set up this rule. If you are so busy that you need to check your phone, text on your phone, or GOD HELP YOU answer your phone during a movie, then perhaps you shouldn't be going to a theatre. And to those of you who dont know how to turn of your cell phone ringers, and let them ring and ring until they go off... take the time and learn. It will help you out in so many situations.

COST: The movies are expensive. an average movie now costs $12 for a regular movie. $15 for a 3D, and $17 for an Imax. A large pop and popcorn will cost you about $11. We all know this. AND its posted on their screens, so after you have waited in line to purchase... dont get upset when they tell you the price. And PLEASE dont cuss out the person behind the counter. they make minimum wage to stuff us full of food we dont need and then clean up what doesnt make it in our gigantic mouths. Give them a break.

SNEAKING IN FOOD: Do it! Its cheaper, its faster, its easier. I will bring in my own water, or chocolate or what have you because i can get 2 for the same price. Now to those few of you whose only containers seem to be bubble wrap and crinkle candy wrappers.... SHUT SHUT SHUT THE HELL UP! Bring food in a quiet container! A loud paper or plastic bag just makes everybody around you mad. Also with each crinkle it screams IM TO CHEAP TO BY FOOD HERE. So be thrifty.. we all do it... but be quiet about it.

1) Once The Previews Have Stopped The Movie Has Started! SHUT UP
2) Dont Clap When The Closing Credits Roll
3) The Best Time To Tell Your Friends About What You Thought About The Movie Is After... Not During.
4) If Its Not Sold At The Theatre... Dont Eat It In The Theatre. We All Love Smelly Thai Food... AT HOME.
5) The Proper Way To Eat Is To 1) Open mouth 2) Insert Food Into Mouth 3) CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH 4) Chew 5) Swallow

Today at the movies there was an old couple in the front that was so deaf they could hear the movie but not each other. So if one would comment on the film they would have to yell to each other. A man in the back row fell asleep twice and started to snore painfully loud. My thanks to that anonymous person who threw change at him... twice.

Now I know that this whole rant has probably made me come off as a bit of an ass. And for that im sorry. I just like it so much. And if we all worked together it would be great!

SIDE NOTE: Today I saw Fair Game featuring Sean Penn and Naomi Watts, it was wonderful and if you like political films you will like this one. It looses its way a bit at the 75% mark, but its foundation as a biopic pulls it through to a strong ending. I would recommend it.

So. Tomorrow I start working for Mirvish.

I will talk to you tomorrow after that!

Thanks for reading!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November 16 - Cold As FUCK!

Welcome folks.

First off, I would like to talk about the title of this piece. Normally I write my blogs and then give them a title, but today as a tip of the hat to the City of Toronto I have chosen to name it cold as fuck. I was thinking about writing Cold As F**K, but we all know what I mean and you have to say it in your head when you read it anyways! Nobody reads it in their head as F Blank Blank K. And if you do... well then cool.

So here we are at the 2 week anniversary of my arrival in this city, and oh so much has/hasn't happened to me. Accosted by a homeless woman. Saw the museum and art gallery for free. Had an awkward chat with that girl from Score a Hockey Musical. performed stand up and now today (pretend you hear a drum roll) today I took a step forward an experienced the real Toronto. The centre of it all people! Mike Delamont visited... The CBC

That's right Canada! I walked the halls that so many famous Canadians have walked. Mansbridge. Frum. Dress-up. All the greats. In fact today I was able to experience the wonder of the CBC Television Museum featuring pieces from all of our favorite shows. The Tickle Trunk. A castle wall from Friendly Giant, and of course the Trolley from Mr Rogers. In reality this "Museum" is a small run down room in the CBC Building. It took about 2 minutes to walk though and it looked as though nobody had come to fix or upkeep anything in there. To push this point home the "Sound Effects" box where you could hear your own sound effects through a speaker was upsetting when i realized the box was full of already popped bubble wrap. So I sadly listened to the sound of my crinkling paper instead. Bull Shit you say? Agreed.

This morning I awoke to the wonderful news that I got hired on to work in the box office for the Mirvish Company. Which is very exciting. They have become such an influential company in Canadian theatre that it is a pleasure to be a part of it!

So here it is. Im gonna say it! I know there are people out there who will hate me for the words I am about to say. Since moving here I have learned that the beliefs in my heart are not shared by a few vocal people. So here it is. I like Corner Gas. I think its a fun show and I have a good time watching it. And beyond that? Two and a Half men makes me laugh. There! Said it! PHEW! That's off my chest now! I'm not gonna take it back! I feel better.

It is currently 9 degrees out and windy as shit. 30km/hr winds and 93% humidity says NIGHT IN to this man. But I shant! I shall brave the wind, the rain, and the odd occasional smells to see yet another comedy show! Tonight.... ETON House. Stand up Comedy. Lets see how it goes? Wish me luck and I will speak with you tomorrow.


Thanks for reading!

Monday, November 15, 2010

November 15 - Something Sexy, God, and Weed

Hello fair few,

So it would appear that other than my "Mile High Club" not to many folks care about this particular blog. In fact since that wonderful day, blog views have been 1/10 of what they were. So today, November 15th, I am sad to tell the world that this blog, WILL CONTINUE FOREVER!

Welcome back! Even if nobody reads my blog it will still happen every day! But to those small few who do read it.. thank you! I appreciate it!

So here we are! I would just like to say that I feel my current roommates smoke alot of weed. Now I have never smoked weed (I KNOW! Its hard to believe, but it's true!), but most of my BC friends do, but I still feel like these guys smoke ALOT. Which isnt a bad thing at all. Just saying. So as I write today's blog I would like you to know that I may or may not have a contact high. Im really hungry... but I think that is the diet talking!

There is a castle here in this lovely town. A palatial estate called Casa Loma. Casa Loma took 300 mean nearly 3 years to complete. And in 1911 when the castle was finally built it came in at a cost of $3.5 million, which is a lot for the day. Now for those of you who don't have an inflation calculator I will let you know that that cost today would be roughly $60 million dollars. Which for a castle in downtown Toronto I gotta say... that's not bad!

Its at this time that I would like to drop an unpaid for product placement into this blog. For anybody travelling to Victoria BC at this time of year, or at any time of year, one of the best things to do is to go to Garricks Head Pub, sit by the fire, have a bite to eat and wash it down with an amazing Phillips Chocolate Porter. These people have paid me nothing to say this. I say it only because i have yet to find a truly amazing pub in Toronto, and GOSH I miss it. Im sure there are many! So if you know of one please dont hesitate to tell me about it.

This week I visit for the first time the Rivoli and Eton house to try and meet and greet some folks to get some stage time. I am very excited to say that a very important person has been invited to my show on December 8th here in town! Now I dont know if they will see it, or send some lackey, but none-the-less, the fact that this very influential person in the world of Canada wide comedy knows my name? Thats a good start for me. If they show up, I will tell you all about it.

And just before we finish class and I assign homework, i would like to talk about a people who just drive me mental. Born Again Christians. Now if you are a born again, this would be the time to log off now. One of my biggest characters that I do is a Scottish drag version of GOD. This character, created by myself and the wonderful Jacob Richmond, talks about religion, history, and life in a really logical and funny way. Because of this character I am often asked what my own view of god might be. Very simply I am not much of a believer. If these is something there I haven't seen much proof of it. Now I once talked to a pastor about this who said he wished he had so much faith to believe that this world was created by accident, but that he didn't. And I understand that. But peoples beliefs are their own. I love gospel music, and some of my closest friends are quite religious. Which is great! I have no preference for what you believe. Its all personal. But I have been so fortunate as to befriend a few people in my life who are born again Christians. These few people that i have known have steered so far off the path that its both shocking and embarrassing and then stubled hung over and used back into the forgiving bosom of the lord only to get up on a high horse and hurl their beliefs at others like lightening bolts.

Here is my thing. At the end of the day, if there is a god thats great. I have been honest about be beliefs and I try on an average day to treat people as best I can. I have respect and manors and, minus a small handful of people, dislike nobody. So at the end of the day, if there is a god, and he looks in his book of sins, do you think he will notice my occasional indiscretion or your lengthy bender of sex, drugs and booze that has now erased what you would lovingly call your 20's.

I love life and thats what gets me out of bed in the morning. If for you, its the love god or something else you believe in... then thats wonderful. Just don't judge anybody else for their beliefs.

That was ALOT longer than I had planned.

I will be less preachy from now on. And maybe soon I will tell you what caused that blurb.

Stay classy world.


Thanks for reading. Tell your friends!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

November 14 - Social Deviant

Welcome back.

Comfortable? Excellent!

I had a person comment on my last blog where i intentionally miss spelled appreciate in a part of the blog where i sarcastically thanked all those who email me to tell me about my spelling flaws. I unfortunately cant tell if they are making a joke by bringing it up, or if they didn't get it. If you didn't get it... well I don't know how to fix that for you. But if you did... thanks for emailing me? I don't know.

Anyways! Thanks for letting me talk about that. My first reaction was ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT GET THAT JOKE? And then I thought... maybe they did! Don't send a rude message back and be a douche Mike! So unknown reader... Thank you for messaging!

Last night after writing yesterdays blog I went for a walk downtown and got my self a calorie/sodium/fat free beverage. MMM Water! (SIDE NOTE: Dasani water actually contains sodium... but I didn't drink Dasani. Just sharing info) as I was walking down the street I encountered a man who was very very drunk but smelled so fresh and clean, which is rare. After further watching him wander into traffic and then yell at the cars who honked I saw that the mickey in his hand was not a mickey but actually a small bottle of Listerine!

I was walking by the same spot today and there was a woman sitting there and she asked for change and I told her I didn't have any (does anybody carry actual money thats not plastic anymore? I never have cash) As I walked away this woman began to scream at me at the top of her lungs. Screaming that I was a social deviant and I had no idea what civic duty was! And that i was what was wrong in this world. It was alot to take from a drunk homeless woman. When I came back from getting a coffee, I had to pass her again, and what does she say to me? Spare any change!?! I was glad that my social deviancy was so quickly forgotten and we were friends again.

Tonight I am going to see a show which has been promised is one of the best shows in town. Something that shocks me is the ticket prices in town. If you wanna see a comedy show, or sketch the most you will pay is $12. and that's ALOT in this town. And then there is nothing. then it jumps to the $40 and up. Its insane. How do these people make a living? I have proudly performed for years with the wonderful folks of Atomic Vaudeville and if they charged $8 they wouldnt even make a dime! So strange. Oh well. I suppose I will soon find out!

The show is at a club that i have been trying to get into. A company produces 2 shows a week at this club and they manage some of the best people in town and I would love to have them represent me, so I am trying to get in with them. We shall see! I suppose I will let you know what happens tomorrow!

Thanks for reading! Tell your friends!

Love always

Mike Delamont!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

November 13 - Mile High Club

Good morning/afternoon/evening

and welcome to yet another blogcast. I dont know if that word exists but I like it anyways!

As few of you may know, one of the hardest parts of moving is the long distance between me and my lady friend. Now I say lady friend because I like it. It implies that we both have a divorce and some children under our belts and that we met and stay together for company in our old age. Nobody wants to die alone. In reality we are both quite young and are together because she is smart and pretty and i, thank god, am somewhat funny (I have a tomato can award that says so! Thanks Monday Magazine!). IM OFF TOPIC! The next time we see each other is likely to be on January 6th when she arrives at the Toronto Airport after she moves here. SIDE NOTE. Did you know that Toronto's airport is actually in Mississauga? NOR did I! MOVING ON. But today as we talked, the topic of the Mile High Club came up. Now for those of you who dont know what that is, the Mile High Club is what you may be a proud member of if you have engaged in sexual congress during a domestic or international flight. For myself this has been and, i think, never will be an option as I am the size of a full grown panda. I barely fit into the airplane bathrooms let alone have enough room to invite somebody else no matter what their size. Also it's illegal to do, which is why so few people are card holding members. All of this brings me to my final point, why if its so frowned upon, do the airport bathrooms all still sell only 4 things? Rub on Tattoos. Mint or Mouthwash. Cologne. and CONDOMS. I believe if you are making money selling frat boy starter kits in your washrooms, you should be more accommodating of peoples needs wants and desires mid flight. Just saying

Wanna take a moment to say thanks to all the folks who take the time to email me about my spelling mistakes. Just want to let you all know that I really apresiate it.

Right now im sittin on my rooftop in the dark writing this. The appeal? Its not inside, and I have been inside all day long editing video. Its nice to have fresh air. From my deck I can see the top half of the CN Tower. Its really quite something at night. Red and blue. And there are always search lights in the sky. I dont know what they are from or for... airplanes? Stadiums? Who knows. Im sure I will find out someday.

As I write this something comes to mind. I purchased my Mac laptop (PRODUCT PLACEMENT) in May of 2009 because i needed a laptop. So I got the newest and best... of the cheapest. I paid about $1,400 for it after taxes. My ex girlfriend bought hers in... i dunno... October? Same brand. Same everything except hers has WAY better stuff. Like keys that light up and a firewire and she paid $100 less than me! Thats bull shit people! BULLSHIT. I feel like I wanted an ipod and somebody got me a sony walkman. Actually my mac is still very good... so I feel like I wanted an ipod and somebody got me a Microsoft Zoom.

UPDATE: Mike Delamont's weight loss is happening. POINT: Do you know what really blows about eating properly and exercising? EATING WELL AND EXERCISING! There are a billion quick and easy pizza joints in the town. Its so simple. BUT! No pizza. Day 3. No pop. Day 1... the lack of caffeine... well lets just say Im not a huge fan of not having a daily fix. Hmm we shall see! CURRENT WEIGHT: Sorry we aren't that close yet! CURRENT WEIGHT LOSS: 5lbs

And if you want to message me and say Dont worry mike! Muscle ways more than fat. Well you know what weighs more than muscle? Lots of fat!


Please tell your friends about this blog! The more followers the better and again if you have questions of comments, just send them on by!

Thanks for reading! And if you know anybody who is looking for a giant funny man in Toronto... TELL THEM ABOUT ME!

Love always,


Friday, November 12, 2010

November 12

SO here we are. Day 3 of the blog!

Last night I went to a local comedy club to see if I could get on stage for a set. I was told that they were full but I could try my luck with the lottery slots. So I threw my name on a list and watched the show. It was an alright show. Some comics were very very good and some other... very very bad. I was called from the lottery and did just 5 minutes (If you ask any of my co performers, they will say that me on stage for just 5 minutes is either a miracle or a lie... so you decide) I did the 5 minutes, got some good laughs out of an audiences mostly full of other comics. This morning when I woke up from my slumber I was happy to find an email in my inbox (Where else would it be? The floor?) that was the host asking if I would come back for an official spot in January. So. Good news! Yay!

readers, may we talk? excellent. Gather around. Im an adult. YES I KNOW. its hard to believe. and in toronto I am subletting a place from a lovely girl named Kim. I have lovely roommates and a balcony with a view of the CN Tower (which i keep calling the Space Needle much to the anger of people) and in this wonderful, warm, and large room is a bed. NOW, its not technically a bed... its a futon. A futon on a shitty wood plank frame. Now if I had the tiny frame of Kim, then it could possibly be the greatest bed ever. As it stands, I feel like im laying on a park bench with cotton badding on it! Its brutal. Im used to having a bed where my feet hang off the end but this is crazy!

Today I was planning to go and see the amazing CBC museum, but didn't. Im easily distracted. I think.

What was I talking about?

The other day i visited a place called HONEST ED'S which is basically just an expensive dollar store with clothing and food. My mom always talked about Honest Eds from when she was living in Toronto in her 20's back in 19... 92. (love you mom) And so when I stumbled upon it the other day I went in. This is an enormous store. On some levels you have to go up to the third level to get to something down on the second level on the other side of the building. Im not going to lie people. I got lost in a department store. I ended up going in a circle trying to find my way out. The third time I went through "electronics" I said out loud "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?". OH! And in the electronics section they have a section for discount VHS. $0.25 per tape. And what tape fills up 75% of the section? Blair Witch Project. NICE. VERY nice. With a few tears and a great deal of frustration I have stumbled my was out of the store.

For those of you who may be fans of my stuff I have just begun to write a solo show called GOD IS A SCOTTISH DRAG QUEEN that will star one of my favorite characters, GOD. I will let you know more when I know more.

Thanks for reading!

Please tell your friends and if you have questions or comments don't hesitate to email!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

November 11 - Lest We forget to Blog

So here we are. Day 2 of my toronto blog. Welcome back! Or welcome for the first time.

Something that is a huge difference between small town and big town is celebrities. Now in a small town its usually a local news anchor that you see in a coffee shop and whisper to your friends about, but here its actual famous people... just... hanging out. Last night I went and saw a show and before the show went in I got to meet and chat with Scott Thompson of Kids In The Hall fame. He was very nice. After the show I met Ron Sexsmith in the lobby and got to say hello. It was a strange night but still a lot of fun.

So since I have been here I have tried to meet with folks and say hi and in the most subtle was try and say PEOPLE THINK IM FUNNY!!! PLEASE LET ME INTO YOUR SHOWS!!! PLEASE!!! but in a to cool for school non begging kinda way. I went and saw the new Second City show and had a really good time. The show was a lot of fun and I enjoyed the actors. Second City is something I would love to be a part of, and who knows! Maybe someday I will. And by someday I mean I will audition for them as soon as I can and then hope.

Since i moved I thought it would be a great idea to maybe try and loose some weight. The body mass index says that i am "Morbidly Obese" which I think its a little un called for. I get that obese is unhealthy... you don't need to include morbidly. Also when I tell people that Im obese according to BMI they often say the same thing... oh! Did you include your height? DAMNIT! Thats what it was! I put that I was a 3 foot tall woman! No wonder! So before we go any further... YES. i do include my height. And for those ultra fans... my height is 6'7. Secret fact? On my acting resume it says im 6'4. Reason behind that? people can relate to 6'4. Ive noticed that people think i am as tall as the tallest person they know. OH! I have a nephew thats your height! What are you 5'11ish? No. Sorry. But when I tell people 6'7 they cant even imagine it. Thats taller than Michael Jordan. How would you look on screen? where would we find clothes to fit you? we would need a team just to get it all done!! AH I CANT HANDLE IT!!!! BOOM!

Back on topic.

Last night I went to go and get a salad from a pizza place. I asked the girl behind the counter if they came pre made or if they were made there. It became very clear very fast that he english was minimal and she had no idea what I was asking. After an ungodly amount of loud explanations and Pictionary, she said that they were made to order. I said GREAT! Then I shall have the greek salad with no red onion please. (Side note one: Red onion is disgusting. It ruins a salad and anything else it touches! Side note 2: a little behind the scenes action: when I was writing this blog, instead of no red onion please I put No vegetables by accident. If you order a salad with no vegetables thats just cheese and dressing my friend. get help) So she said no red onion would be no problem. I paid for my salad and she left to go make it. I watch her go to the walk in fridge, come out with a salad, put it on a table way in the back of the kitchen and start to pick out all of the red onion. IT CAME WITH ONIONS! I could have picked them out myself! I was just asking if I had the option to go without. Long story short... i make non english speaking women pick stuff out of my food for me. Its how I roll.

Just before I forget, I think porn teaches us some valuable life lessons. Most noticeable life lesson? Asian women should never go outside. Dont know what im talking about? Just look it up. Asian girl on a bus. Asian girl walking down street... it wont end well.

So this being my second blog, I think I should tell you folks that I have landed my first official Toronto gig. I will be performing with the National Theatre of the World in their improv show The Carnegie Hall Show on Dec 8. It should be good fun and one of my characters will make his Toronto debut.. which one? well you will have to read this blog on Dec 9!... or read my facebook or website any other time... damnit i should have thought that through

Tonight I am off to see a stand up comedy show. I am going to see if I can get on stage and do a set. I suppose you'll find out what happened.... NEXT TIME

Mike D!

Also please tell your friends about this blog. The more people who read or follow this the better. And again if you wanna say hi or have a comment or a question just send it on down. Speaking of which HELLO to the person who was first in line to my SOLD OUT show back in may. I said hello to some folks that were there really early. I went out to get food during sound check and people were sitting there. If you were them, then I remember you! And thanks for reading!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Hello All,

As this blog is available to anybody in the world I will start by saying Hello, my name is Mike. Im an actor/comedian/singer/other now living in the wonderful and large city of Toronto Ontario.

In this blog you can read about what is going on with me on a day to day basis. Once upon a time a very pretty girl told me that the only reason a person writes a blog is because they want it to eventually be turned into a book or a movie. This blog will not become a book as I am unable to sit and create something that will take longer than a few weeks to put together. This blog will also not be made into a movie because, among more realistic reasons, i refuse to let somebody else play the role of Mike Delamont, and at current, I am 60lbs to heavy to play him on the silver screen. touche world. Touche.

Once a manager told me that, in anger and/or frustration, I tend to let out how I really feel about things and in doing so partially burn bridges. So in the Blog I will strive to conceal names of places and corporations that I may not have the nicest things to say about. I think thats silly... but as an out of work performer... well I can't really run the risk of offending! At least not until this baby gets turned into a movie! AM I RIGHT?!

So it was a week ago today that I moved from the medium sized city of Victoria, BC and made my move the Big Smoke to try and make it as an actor. Now saying you want to be a successful actor is like saying you want to be a drop of water in the ocean, but none the less its the dream/fantasy/goal.

A lot of people have asked me what the difference is between the 2 cities, and other than the population, the smog and the fact that nobody smiles, there isn't much of a change. So far I have seen almost a half dozen small comedy shows and tried my very best to get out there and meet and greet local people in the hopes of landing an audition or hell even 5 minutes of stage time. My first night I saw a wonderful 4 hander improv show which i was so amazed wasn't sold out! A group of comedians who worked so seamlessly together that it appeared almost staged, but in a really amazing way. The talent was overwhelming and grew in my mind even more the following night when I saw a different show with, lets just say, lesser talents. On my second night here in order to try and get on a comedy stage i went to a small club. I got in for free because im a performer and soon learned that there would be 10 stand ups, but it appeared there would only be about 8 audience members. I asked the guy how I could get on the stage and he went on to explain an application process i can only assume is equal to NASA. But I've applied, so I suppose we shall see! On a side note 2 were funny and 8 were not. And it was the last 2 that were funny. If you are counting thats almost 80 minutes of awkward laughs before actual talent. It was rough.

The best part of the night was when i went into the bathroom and saw an ad at the urinal for PORSCHE that read "You know you want one" and in my head I said yes of course I want one you dick! But we all came to this bar because the beer is $3! I think you are advertising to the wrong market my friend! Why dont you go advertise that new condo tower to the local shelter, i know those guys TOTALLY want a home!

It has been exactly 7 days since my day 1 in Toronto and I figured I should write a blog to tell you how its all going. I just tried to re cap the last week in this blog but will be longer and more specific in the future. If I don't write every day then send me an email and tell me Im lazy. And hey if you're already sending an email, why not throw in anything you'd like to hear about in the blog! I really have nothing else to do! Oh, and just so I can deal with this at once, don't say to me Hey! I know somebody in the entertainment business in Toronto... want me to tell them you're there? Maybe Introduce you? THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE YES! And in that vein, to those few who, out of the blue, have helped without my begging, thank you so much! and to those MANY who promised to make calls or internet and/or live introductions and just never did... thanks so much!

BLOG 1 DONE. Please tell your friends!

Love Always,

Mike Delamont