Monday, December 20, 2010

December 20 - Geriatric Mild-Speed Chase

One of my favorite activities is to see two completely separate things come together in perfect comedic harmony. Take one part man in a scooter. Take one part police car, with lights and siren ablaze, rushing by. Mix in a bowl and what do you get? That’s right, nothing. Secret ingredient? Let me tell you.

Today I saw a man across the street. He was riding in a small-motorized scooter that you see the elderly often use. He was coming up to the intersection, on the curb, quite quickly. What made this odd as I watched was the man was wearing a white ski mask akin to skiers of the 80’s or bank robbers. This alone isn’t unusual as they are common in the winter in a cold and windy town. He got to the intersection and at the light made a sharp left and took off down the street and then around the corner. I suppose the man was in a hurry for some reason. It would be the combination of that plus the fact that a police car with lights and siren on came roaring down the street and made the same sharp left at the light. Separate of one another it is simple and normal. Together it looked as though the overweight man in the ski mask was making a get-away from the police on a tiny old man scooter. The simple combination of this caused me to laugh out loud so hard on the street that I began to tear up. Nobody around me waiting to cross seemed to see what had just happened so I just looked like a crazy person standing on the corner laughing loudly with tears running down my face.

As a few of my regular readers will know, I am an avid fan of biographies and last night I picked up the autobiography of Stephen Fry. To those of you who don’t know who he is, Stephen Fry is a writer and comedic performer I think widely known for his turn on the British series Black adder but also from Fry and Laurie as well as many many other film and television appearances as well as several critically acclaimed books. I have often been likened to him, as we are both large funny men. I have always been greatly influenced by British comedy. It was at age 10 that I learned the existence of Black Adder, Faulty Towers, Mr. Bean, and Fry and Laurie. By the time I had reached my teens I could recite any Rowan Atkinson sketch by heart and often performed his material at high school open houses and things of the like. I think my style and timing comes from my British comedy influences. I think my enjoyment of comedy now often leans towards the comedy from the UK.

Right now I am about to watch Love Actually. One of my favorite movies and its always so lovely to watch during the holidays.

I am excited to go back home for the holidays. There are things I like to do at the holidays that I am glad I don’t have to quite give up yet. Just outside of the city I will be in is a place called Buchart Gardens. It’s a wonderful place and at Christmas these stunning enormous gardens are done up with Christmas lights and areas that depict each day of the song “12 Days of Christmas”

My mother sadly informed me that she would not be doing any of her traditional Christmas baking this year. A part of me was sad. That was not the part that is trying to loose weight! That part is so damn happy. My issue with food is that I am both a bored eater and a social eater. I love to go for lunch with friends. A friend of mine have joked that I am the only man who would go up and ask a girl to lunch and have no ulterior motive. It has gotten me into trouble many a time. OH MY GOD! Mike Delamont just took me to lunch!! I remember a few years ago I was chatting with a girl who hadn’t been to the local museum and I told her I would take her because every person in the world MUST at some point visit the Royal BC Museum. It is amazing. Anyways, after the museum we went for a bite to eat at my favorite pub. Why my favorite pub? Because its close and its awesome! After the meal we needed to get going because we both had to be at the theatre in a half hour. In order to save time I paid for the lunch and we left. Often I will pick up the cheque as I feel it’s appropriate for a man to do that. Long story short she told everybody in the cast that we had gone to the museum for the afternoon and then I took her to lunch at my favorite place in town and bought her lunch. Admittedly… yes that is what happened, but in reality there was no sense of a date. No closeness, no touching, no getting to know each other. Just awesome museum and amazing food…. Which should be good enough. Oh well. I just like food!

One time I took a girl to this fantastic Italian restaurant. We ate amazing food, had some great wine and the whole time she kept obviously mentioning it wasn’t a date. I agreed every time, because it wasn’t, but I think she still thinks I thought it was.

So with all this love of food its tough to fight against it when you want to drop the weight. I like the idea of being smaller. As I loose weight I like the way it looks and feels. I am happy to say I have dropped 25lbs since moving to Toronto and it is just part 1 of my 3 part goal. Part 1 is achieved. Now it will be the tough part. This first part is just… watch what you eat. Gym it a little. Walk a lot and maybe have a diet coke and half a cake. Just simple things. Small things. And that has helped. Now we get into the phase of long term “diet” and regular exercise. Now when I say diet what I mean is a proper diet. Not taking things away, just making healthy choices. I don’t need abs of steel, hell I don’t even need abs. What I need is not to die at a young age because I was stupid and lazy.

I haven’t done a drug in my life. Now lets not be children about this and say YOU DRINK COFFEE AND YOU HAVE HAD A TYLONEL. We all know what we are talking about when I say drugs. That’s right! Viagra. Not once. But in reality I have never smoked pot or done anything harder at all. I haven’t even smoked a cigarette. Odd I know. I haven’t even been a big party guy either. The odd occasion but I never had my “college” years. Seems like everybody around me loves weed but I have never seen the appeal. My girlfriend says that I get a contact high when she does it around me, but I don’t think so. The fact that Im chatty and would DIE for a bag of cheetos is just me sadly.

Well after my pointless rambling I shall bid you good night and say, as always, thanks so much for reading!


  1. Great story about the guy on the scooter - made me laugh out loud with the retelling - could just see it!

    Also would like to applaud you for your dedication in writing every day - takes a lot of discipline to do that!

  2. "My girlfriend says that I get a contact high when she does it around me, but I don’t think so. The fact that Im chatty and would DIE for a bag of cheetos is just me sadly. "

    Please put that line in a monologue. That is, as Wes would say, comedy gold.