Hello one and all!
I will say right away that there are things that I want to talk about and say today that I wont be able to. I find that really frustrating. Thats the odd thing about a blog. Its part.. article? editorial? im not sure, but mostly Diary. I try to talk about things that frustrate and annoy me, but today I am tired and upset (And my phone charger has just stopped working, thanks so much Apple)
Recently i lost my temper. Well... technically I didn't loose it. I balled it up and viciously threw it at somebody who I care about. After an odd event I felt mislead and I think more than anything, I felt embarrassed. I had been fairly honest about my feelings on a situation and then I felt foolish for being so honest. Turns out you feel much more stupid for telling the truth than lying. Interesting. Why are bad things so much easier? So instead of cooling myself down, taking steps back and looking at the situation, I blew up. And when I say I blew up I mean I exploded. Shrapnel everywhere. The frustrating thing about it is all of the things I said, I actually meant. With my logic system being filled with booze and blind anger, I phrased myself incorrectly. I used my words to get my feelings across but I chose them so that they would hurt and thats never right.
Have you ever walked into a glass window? Or... more specifically, have you ever seen somebody walk into a glass window? Its very funny. If they arent hurt by walking into the window, then the reaction is one of two things. First, is that the person will likely laugh because of what just happened. They feel silly and stupid and cant believe that they didnt see the glass. I had this happen when i went to view a condo. The realtor walked right into a huge glass window. I laughed till I cried... and so did he. We bonded. Anyways, the only other response is misplaced anger. Anger that that window was there, or that somebody should put stickers on it or make it clearer. Basically this person is hurt and embarrassed and instead of laughing they get mad at the people around them to avoid feeling like a tool. I am trying to come to a point here, but thinking about the realtor and the window again has cracked me up.
Anyways, basically I have walked into a metaphorical glass window and have flipped out because i was embarrassed. I said things in a way that I shouldn't have said them, and then when given the opportunity to take back what I said, I didnt. I meant what I said. I regret how it was said though and I worry that I wont be able to repair what I did and who was effected.
It has been a tough time being on Vacation. I will be totally honest with you and say that in Toronto I turned into a bit of a hermit, but being here I cant do that because people know me. It would appear that my honesty has turned my compassion away from Oprah, and a shoulder to cry on, to more of a Spock way of doing things. I am simple and honest with, it would seem, little care for the emotional response because HEY, I was just being honest. Turns out... Im a bit of a tool.
I know I shouldnt talk about certain personal things on here, because the people involved dont deserve to have me blab about what they are going through, but I have been kind of vague. I think a part of me wanted to tell the world that I have been a douche bag. When given the opportunity to deal with a problem I let my emotions get the better of me. Now I need to repair it, but I dont know how badly its damaged. I suppose that means that I will have more to talk about at some point. We shall see!