Monday, December 27, 2010

December 26 - JIVE TURKEY

Welcome one and all to this special boxing day edition of my blog. EVERYTHING MUST GO! IM PRACTICALLY GIVING THIS STUFF AWAY!

So to continue my apparent holiday themed blog session, in yesterdays blog I informed everybody that today I would be going out of town to meet my girlfriends family. A 2 hour car trip with her parents, then an afternoon with her family, and then a 2 hour car trip back. Could I handle it? Would they be nice? Crazy? overbearing? pleasant? WHO KNOWS! It is with great sorrow that I tell you, my faithful readers and of course my random happen-upon readers that todays road trip and family meeting was... pleasant. I KNOW! I KNOW! I had hoped for something terrible too! Something that would make me want to run away! Something like "Dear lord, we thank you for this food we are about to receive. We thank you for a roof over our heads and good friends to share this special day with. Amen. Oh yea... and thanks for no niggers" YA KNOW? Something crazy. But nothing. Other than the fact that I had to pee for the last 30 minutes of the ride up there and then mid day I went to the bathroom at their house and a turd wouldn't flush. Had to flush three times people! Perhaps my diet of Helium and pool noodles is trying to tell me something.

Now that we are being honest I am simply going to say that my feet stink. I wash them, I wear clean socks and I use all kinds of powders on my feet and in my shoes to fight the odor. It works. But if I didn't use it, many innocent people in this world would needlessly loose their lives. When I go to a party my biggest fear is if I will have to take my shoes off. If I am coming from home, we are good. All is safe. If I have to come from an 8 hour shift at work? Im so sorry! And after your sudden and horrible smell related death, I will tell the world your story. It so strange! I dont know what causes it! Oh well. I think its whats disgusting about us that unites us as a people. Dont think you're disgusting? Really? Okay then... go take a look at your pillow without its case and we will talk after.

In yesterdays blog I brought up the idea of if it was right to bring things up from my personal life and dump them onto the internet for anybody to see. I hate to tell you this folks, but im not an open book. Im like an itunes preview, you get 30 seconds to figure out if Im worth investing in. thats all. I wont lie to you, and I will try to talk about things that are on my mind, but there are certain things I wont bring up. I like to think that, while I like to share and talk about things on my mind, I do have a bit of decency! I havent mentioned a word about my recent abortion. But between you and me I didnt want to have a baby! I dont have the hips for it! Though my girlfriend says I have lovely hips for childbirth.

So I got an email from my waist line and all it said was RE: Christmas Season and then in the body of the email it simply said "fuck you". Blunt... but I get the point. I believe I have thrown back on about 10 pounds this holiday season of the 25 I had worked so hard to drop. It was easy on my own because i didnt have friends and family saying OH ITS FINE!! ITS CHRISTMAS!! My body is now confused and angry. WE DONT EVEN LIKE THOSE FOODS! WHY AM I SO FULL! THIS IS STUPID! WHAT HAPPENED TO MORNING OATMEAL, MEAL SHAKE AND THEN A VEGETABLE/PROTEIN COMBO AT NIGHT!?!?!?! HMMM?!?!?! IN THE LAST 3 DAYS MIKE YOU HAVE HAD HAM, TURKEY, MASHED POTATOES, SCALLOPED POTATOES, POUTINE!! AND ALL OTHER MANORS OF ANIMAL AND STARCH. IF YOU DONT STOP GOING DOWN THIS ROAD, I AM TURNING THIS HEART AROUND AND WE CAN FORGET THE WHOLE THING! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! GLAZED YAMS DONT COUNT AS A HEALTHY VEGETABLE! YOU ARE ON TIME OUT.

So it would seem that it is time to jump on the band wagon again and head down the bumpy and frustrating road of weight loss. Thing is, I like the discipline. It took a while to be okay with it, but now that its a habit I actually quite enjoy it. My stomach doesnt hurt when I only eat what I need and not what I want and I should have just kept on the path in order to make it through to the other side of the holidays. Oh well. At least I have caught myself! Now its time to make it all better!

So, now that we have got that dealt with... what do you say we celebrate with a nice big piece of Chocolate?

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