January 2 - Actually... is all around

In preparation for todays blog I decided to look up the word "love". I thought the dictionary would give me the definition i desired so as to give me a starting point. After reading the multiple definitions on love, i found that there wasn't one that I agreed with. That in itself seems odd. I look for a definition of a word in a book that most of us deem the most reliable source for such things, and once i get it... i disagree? Disagree means to fail to agree, differ in opinion, to quarrel, or to cause physical discomfort or ill effect (ie... when i eat popcorn at the movies and its the only thing i have eaten that day, it tends to disagree with my body). Strangely enough I agree with this definition. But why not the one about love? Perhaps because its emotion? Seems strange. None the less.

Love is a strange thing in that it seems to be independent of thought. A chemical response, much like chocolate or warm blankets, that makes your body crave the comfort. This is a wonderful thing but seems like it can often confuse us. For myself I have been in love a few times, but there seem to be different kinds. I love several of my friends, I love my mother, and I have loved a small handful of women. All of those are completely different kinds, which may be the source of the problem with the definition.

I have in my life met a person who I fell in love with very quickly. Of course being a man and too full of my own bullshit to let an emotion sneak past, I didnt say anything. Very sadly, and this is only the honesty of my blog speaking, I have said those words and not meant it.

Why am I on this topic? I dont know. I guess its just what was on my mind after i woke up. Normally I blog at night, but this morning I woke up, read my morning emails and said... nope... You should write it now.

I dont know that I know what love is. I know what makes me feel good, and I know that its an emotion that is quite strong, but it can also be diluted. Watered down. Thrown in an ounce of loneliness, a couple shots of booze and a pint of lust and all of a sudden that boy at the bar that reeks of "Axe" and self esteem is now the love of your life. WHY DOESNT HE LOVE ME!?!?! WE MADE LOVE!!!! Aw hun. He doesnt love you... and you dont love him. Oh you do? I will give you $20 if you can tell me his last name. There we go. I will keep my $20 then. And made love? I would hardly call a quickie on a park bench beside a hobo "making love". Though that hobo did hold your hair while you puked mid orgasm, and i think that might be real love.

I have often stayed in relationships to long. Mostly a worry of being alone. To be honest with you reader I feel there is very little of me that is worth being with. I dont think im a terrible person, but why somebody would want to be with me often alludes me. I often fear that they are the only one who feels this way and so will stay long past the expiration for fear of spending my life alone. I realize that this is an odd way to think, and I am slowly trying to correct myself, but it is often hard to see yourself as something viable. This reason has also meant that I have not always been treated the best in a relationship, but I am working on that as well.

Am I in love right now? Yes I am. I told her just the other day THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And it feels good to get that emotion off of your chest. Does she love me back? Yes she does. I dont know what my definition of love is, and I dont know if i will every have one, but in the moment of telling her, with the mix of fear, happiness, worry and impatience, i realized... that I dont really care, and I am happy to say that I have my chocolate and warm blankets.

Thanks for reading this special Oprah edition of Mikes Blog.