Friday, January 28, 2011

January 28 - Stimulate Your Senses

Im sitting in my living room (on the floor) and watching a bit of TV. Have you seen the ad for "5" gum? a futuristic setting where a person is brought, via elevator, to a platform and then in the huge dome ink is sprayed into the air like mercury. It forms shapes and designs and then at the end it said "5 Gum, stimulate your senses! Experiences may Vary". REALLY? REALLY? I don't think that is the case friend! Has anybody had a different experience with gum? You pop it in your mouth and think "Mmm minty"... or... pina colada or whatever the flavor. it should say "5 Gum, Stimulate your senses! Experiences will be nothing like this because its a STICK OF FUCKING GUM! ITS NOT ECSTASY! You haven't dropped Acid! You got this cause your breathe smells like Coffee and last nights tequila.

I like the term Dropping Acid. I think its amazing that you would name it after something terrible. No scientist has ever dropped acid and said THAT WAS AMAZING! I wish I could have that much pain and panic in tab form!

Right now I can hear the couple in the apartment below me fooling around. I dont even find it sexy! Whenever I hear that in an apartment I just think... what are they doing to make that noise? They must be on a couch or something... hmmm. Then I get bored or see something shiny so my voyeuristic side is minimal in that regard i suppose.

I was living with a girl in 2005 and we actually got a sex COMPLAINT! My building manager who was a great guy named Greg, didn't really have the heart to tell me directly. We complained all the time about the girls who lived below us because they would sing Karaoke at 3am on a tuesday, they would blast music all the time... usually it was Disney or Broadway so i didn't actually mind unless it woke me up. One day they were walking to their car and yelled at my window that I had picked a fight with the wrong girls! So I called the manager and said they had uttered a threat. They got kicked out! YEA! THATS HOW I PLAY THIS GAME! Anyway, they thought they would fight back and return the complaint that they could hear us having sex. My retort was "Im sorry that once a week I make you feel uncomfortable for 4 minutes." My girlfriend didn't find that funny, but I found it hilarious! Experiences may vary I guess. Im just kidding about the 4 minute thing too by the way. What am I a stallion? 4 minutes? Yea right! Like I could ever do it 3 times in a row.

My mom doesn't like it when I talk down about myself. She doesn't care for my self depreciating humor. When I say I'm fat she says Dont say you're fat! When I say Im a liar she says dont say you're a liar. When I say Im a giant she says dont say you're a giant! I cant wait for the awkward conversation about that last paragraph. OH MICHAEL! DONT SAY THOSE THINGS! WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE A LENGTHY AND GIVING LOVER!

Is this not the strangest blog entry ever?

I think im gonna end it there! Why not? Lets keep it awkward for everybody! Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

  1. I almost passed out laughing at this one. Greetings to your mom!