Saturday, January 22, 2011

January 22 - A Grande Blog!

So at this exact moment I am sitting in a coffee shop in Toronto. I have never been on my laptop in a coffee shop before and I will tell you right now, I have no urge to ever do it again. I feel like an idiot. Very little of what I say is important, and the fact that I am writing in public seems pointless and douchey. I don’t know why people do it! Couch at home just not comfortable enough for you? Its bizarre. To make things worse, First, the only place left to sit right now is at the front with my back to the door. Second, the internet connection will only let me go on facebook and not my blog or email, so I am writing this in my word processor. Typing out paragraph after paragraph with the screen in full view of the public is the lamest thing I could be doing. Im writing the great american novel and all walking into this shitty coffee shop must see that I am doing it! Otherwise how will the world know I am its greatest author!? Third, I am sitting in a tall chair but there is no spot to rest your feet, so if I don’t want my legs to dangle awkwardly above the ground, I can use the metal bar on the side of the chair in side saddle fashion, or i can put one foot on each leaving my crotch in a “HEY LADIES! HOW ARE YA TODAY?” kind of way.

A woman just came up to me to ask me about wireless and laptops. She needs to get one she says. But ooo the macbook is expensive. This is said in a condescending “Well aren’t YOU doing well kind of way”. I just got attitude from a woman who ordered the most complicated coffee and then, when they said they didn't have carrot muffins, she got huffy. The barista said that they have Carrot Loaf, but the woman was un interested. Can we all agree that “Loaf” is a disagreeable word? I don’t think I ever want a loaf of anything. Banana Bread? Sign me up. Meat Loaf? No thanks. Though admittedly I think the problem with the name Meat Loaf is the Meat. I wouldn't eat “baked meat”, “meat square”, OR “meat cake” so I suppose Loaf is its last resort. I do love the singer though, Meatloaf, so I suppose Im full of shit. Oh! I forgot about Meat Pie! Meat Pie isn't unappealing. But lets be honest, its stew folks! What obese Canadian finished a large serving of Stew and said MAN! I wish I could eat the bowl! I know! Next time I eat meat drenched in gravy I'll put it in a pie. Canadian hero, Stew Stewson, died at age 23 of heart complications.

So mike, if you don’t want to be on a laptop in a coffee shop, why are you on it? Well I am waiting for amy to finish a job interview at a record shop down the street. She said she wouldn’t be long, but I don’t mind. I get it. Secondly I was pissed off after getting my coffee and so instead of opening my “stand up” folder on my phone and writing bits, I thought I would just bitch on here! I didn’t even want this coffee shop. I WANTED Starbucks, but it was busy and there was no place to sit so here I am. I ordered a latte and got half a cup of espresso and steamed milk topped with half a cup of foam. Why so much foam on top? This isn’t a lemon meringue pie, its a coffee. I don’t like it. Its not important what chain it is, but lets just say I wont be coming back for a Second Cup.

Its Second Cup. That’s what its called. Just making sure we are on the same page. Dont go unless you need a bad coffee and a place to check FACEBOOK ONLY!

Forever and a day ago, a friend of mine was in a coffee shop and there was a man sitting at his laptop and it turned out the guy was on a gay porn site called Silver Daddies. That’s nice. I suppose we can enjoy the fact that I am not watching porn at a coffee shop. Though Im sure my blog would be a little different wouldn’t it? You'd like it a little different would you? Yea! Yea you would! Dirty Girl!

Sorry mom.

Something I cant quite figure out is why some of the malls and food courts close on the weekends here? There is an underground mall across from my work and they are closed Saturday and Sunday. This is 2011 and downtown Toronto, not Smalltown USA in 1985! People are open on weekends. You're a mall! You have the business sense to open a Starbucks across the street from another Starbucks but not keep a mall open on a Saturday afternoon? Sometimes I wonder how people put their pants on in the morning! How they manage to survive a day without forgetting to breath because they saw something sparkly.

Anyway, Im done my shitty cold coffee and the lady isn’t finished yet so I suppose I shall pack up my cocky author materials, stop getting glares from people looking for an empty seat and noticing my empty cup, and go wander through Chapters with no plans to buy anything. That should be fun.

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